Year of Firsts - Part 2

The new year came with the hope for better things and a fresh start. I had a new job in Milwaukee with an apartment to provide some down time from the family in Manitowoc. With the new job came new challenges, new boss, new friends, new life. It was great at first as it took my mind off the loss and kept my brain busy with all of the newness. As I settled in though the reality that I was still grieving was just as real. In fact one morning I had a dream where Mom and I were walking and enjoying our time together. Without even notice or explanation Mom turned around and started walking in the other direction. I called out to her but she did not respond. She didn't even turnaround to acknowledge me. I kept calling to her and she just kept walking away. As I started crying in my dreams I awoke and was bawling. Dave was in a panic as to what was wrong. When I shared with him, he didn’t know how to respond but asked if I was ok and then walked away. He didn’t say it, but I am sure he thought I might be losing it. I think I was.

I knew I was not in a good place. During the year I also experienced for the first time a moment…a long moment of being mad at God. During the whole time with Mom, it was my faith that kept me strong. It was my reliance on God that I could face the next day. It was instant after Mom’s passing but it was gradual and subtle. My Bible study time started to become just reading words in a book, the praise songs were merely words to a harmony and my prayers were void. I finally had to admit that I was mad at God. Not that I had any reason to be as I could point to all the good. It was good that Mom passed so quickly so she did not have to force herself to work hard and possibly get more sick, or be miserable because she couldn’t work. She got the best of care while in the hospital and not had to rely on dad or I through hospice. It was also good that Mom passed before Dad because of financial reasons. Fortunately God has big shoulders and is patient. It was sometime in April that I had a long drive home and I had the long talk with God. I shared that I understood and appreciated that Mom did not have to suffer or spend a long time planning her death. Yet I was just sad and I missed her and just mad. I heard that small voice that said it was ok and that I was not alone and when I was ready God would be there. I knew being mad at God did no good. I know anger is just a part of the grief process, but the longer I hung on to the emotion the longer before healing. I cried out to God to help me overcome the sadness and the anger. I was still here and obviously still have work to do. I am still sad sometimes, but the anger has evaporated. I still feel weaker in my faith, but the words I read during my Bible study once again now speak to me, the songs I sing offer hope and my prayers bring me peace. I never thought such a simple thing like losing my Mom would throw me for such a loop. I am grateful though that God is full of grace and mercy. He met me where I was at, waited for my heart to heal and helped in the process. I still don’t feel as if I am always on solid footing, but for the first time in a long time I experienced that separation from God and pray that it will be the last. It was lonely and I was lost. But now I am found and can see, that for all things I still need and want God to be in the center of my life.

Another big holiday for our family much like Christmas is Easter. Just like Christmas, Easter was not the same without Mom’s laughter and presence and another first holiday we would need to overcome. I got Aunt Jeri flowers like Mom did every year. Aunt Jeri put me in charge of the deviled eggs which Mom was responsible for each year. Trying to keep some of the same things in place seemed important but did not make the time any easier. Although we got through Easter, Dad and I both agreed that it was difficult. We knew it was good for us to be there, but we could have just as easily stayed at home and ignored the world. One thing I was surprised by was for as long as a drive it is to the Easter celebration for the first time Dad and I were able to find things to talk about the whole way both ways. We were definitely getting used to this talking thing between us.

The next first to overcome which seemed to be very difficult was my birthday. I did not expect to struggle as much as I did on this day. I received a text message from the ladies that worked with my Mom wishing me a happy birthday and for whatever reason that was my trigger. It was very sweet of the ladies, but it was a reminder that there would be no happy birthday wish from my mom. I cried that morning. In fact I cried a lot. My poor boss stopped by in the morning to wish me a birthday and commented how I didn’t look good and asked if I was ok. I started to cry again. Embarrassed by this lack of control of my emotions, my boss was understanding and comforted me. She was great and then I pulled myself together and went back to work. I tried to ignore the world that day. I just wanted to get to the end. This day and many days amaze me how our brains our wired that can cause such extreme emotions in just moments.

The year had gone by and now there was just my parent’s anniversary, remembering the times in the hospital and the anniversary of Mom’s passing. I wasn’t sure how I would handle the anniversary of Mom’s death. I decided I would write the blog to help me process my emotions, maybe help others and to tell our story. So another first was writing this blog which has been helpful and therapeutic.

For the one year anniversary, I went home that weekend to be with Dad and had dinner with him, Grandma, Rita, Garry and Elissa. We had breakfast with Mike and Darla. It was nice to be with family. I am constantly thankful for my family and the blessing and support they have been through all of this. The actual anniversary date was also my wedding anniversary. So Dave and I celebrated and I kept myself busy with errands and projects. So the day itself was manageable and it has passed. The year of firsts are over.

Dad has done better than expected. I am sure still very difficult as he has had to learn his life without her. Together we have grieved and learned how to enjoy the life we now have apart from Mom. Dad is trying to find things to occupy his time, is learning how to cook for one and managing a whole house the best he can. I have the new job in Milwaukee and am going back to school for my Master’s in business.  

Although the year of firsts are over I don’t doubt there won’t be moments that I will start to call Mom to talk about life to only be reminded that she is not there.  I am sure I will have more moments like I did today when I overheard a song that Mom and I used to sing together on our way to church and wish she were there to sing-a-long. I also know I will have moments that what I do will only be because of what Mom taught me in values like sending a card or remembering people’s name.

It is hard to believe it has been a year. Unfortunately Mom is gone, but she is not forgotten. She was an amazing woman who has taught me so much. She provided so much joy and went out of her way to make a difference in her family and community. It is an honor to call her Mom. Although I wish I had many more years with her in my life, I am appreciative and blessed by all the years I did have her in my life. To this day I am a better person because of the love of my Mom and I will always love her. I can’t wait to see her again in heaven and spend eternity together.

Written in loving memory of Carolyn Pollard Nov. 8, 1951-Aug. 4, 2013

Year of Firsts - Part 1

So it has been over a year since my Mom has passed away. Everyone said the “year of firsts” is the worst. With this in mind I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best when those firsts were coming.

My first- first was after the death and the funeral it was time for me to head back to Manitowoc. It is a four hour drive. A long drive to allow for a lot of time of thinking. I knew if I thought too much I could drive myself crazy. So I turned on the radio and sang my heart out. I am a really good singer when I am by myself, or at least I tell myself that. As I reached Milwaukee though the songs were not strong enough to overcome the thoughts and the emotions building inside. In the past besides my husband, my Mom was the other person I would call when I was having a bad day. In fact I would usually call her first and then if she was not available call my husband. There is nothing more comforting and satisfying as having Mom listen to me, say she understands, provides advice and then tell me it will be ok and that she loves me. That is what I needed at this moment. I had just experienced one of the most traumatic events in my life and I wanted to tell Mom about the events. Sure she was there during the events, but she wasn’t there now to comfort me. Milwaukee to Manitowoc was much of a blur as I cried at the loss of my Mom and all the times from that moment on that I would need be able to receive her comfort in those crazy moments. Even as I write this the tears begin to fall recognizing how often I have wanted to reach out and talk to Mom. We used to talk two to three times a week. Sometimes for just a quick check in and others for hours as we shared about the challenges of the week. Fortunately for her the challenges are done, mine have continued and even more so because one of my main challenges is just not having her. Yet I seem to manage every time. I have had to turn to my faith more, my husband more and quite often just keep it to myself more.

The next first was receiving a call on my cell-phone that said “Mom.” When I saw that for a slight moment I got that emotion of excitement when I knew Mom was calling, until I realized this time it would not be her. It was Dad calling to check in on me. It was nice that he did, but it forced me to face the fact that Mom was gone. No more would the calls from home be from Mom. I was with Dave when this happened and he provided the comfort I needed as I erased the name mom from my phone and replaced it with home. I do have to say since Mom’s passing Dad and I have definitely gotten closer. My Dad is not always that talkative. In fact many times when I would call home and he would answer we would talk about the weather and what was for dinner. As soon as we got the two surface questions out of the way he would say, “do you want to talk to mom?” Sometimes I would let him know that I wouldn’t mind talking to him, but he would still just hand the phone to Mom. Dad and I have had to learn to talk to each other beyond the weather and dinner. We have had our moments where we have not seen eye to eye or moments of misunderstandings. However for the most part it has been nice to get to know and talk to my Dad more than we have talked in all my years.

We had Mom’s birthday to overcome. It was nice as the whole family came together for dinner to celebrate the life of Mom and the legacy she had left behind. Speaking of legacy….Mendota High School where Mom had worked purchased and dedicated a plaque in Mom’s honor. All of the staff were welcomed to donate and attend the ceremony. It is a beautiful plaque that hangs just outside the cafeteria doors. The plaque includes her picture and reads, “a dear friend, dedicated co-worker and true Trojan Hero.” The high school volleyball team even raised money in memory of Mom to be donated to the American Cancer Society.

Mom was a big supporter of the American Cancer Society and the Relay for Life. This year she was only part of the team in Spirit. I did join the team this year and am still upset that I have never participated with Mom, Aunt Rita and the others in the past. This year though the team hosted a 5k. The race went past my parent’s house and some of our team decorated the yard in her memory. One runner even put Mom’s name on her number bib, so Mom could run the race with her. Aunt Wanda made a beautiful quilt to auction off and donate the money to Relay for Life. On the quilt is a label with the words, “in memory of Carolyn Pollard.” Although many still thinks it wasn’t legit, but I am sure it was fate, my Aunt Jeri won the quilt and donated it back to me which now rests on Mom’s quilt rack in my living room. Our Relay for Life shirts displayed Mom’s initials on the sleeve. Plus the event was moved from outside to inside Mendota High School. Because of the weather and the move to the high school, I was able to give my talk on being a caretaker in the very cafeteria that Mom had helped design and worked in for many years. I was able to walk the very halls and the gym that she walked many days. Relay for Life is always fun outside, but this year it was nice to be in the place that her spirit resonated with so many everywhere we would go in the building.

Other firsts in 2013 was Dad’s birthday. Thanksgiving was another, but wasn’t as difficult for me since I barely ever went home for Thanksgiving. I fed an army so to distract me from the emotional turmoil. Christmas though…was another holiday. Christmas is a big thing in my family. We all get together, have dinner, go to church and come home to open presents. We have a big family but I could always here Mom’s laugh among the voices. This hear the room seemed silent as the laugh was not there…Mom was not there. I usually say grace before the meal and I was prepared to keep it short. However Elissa read this beautiful poem of lost ones at Christmas time. As she read I kept telling myself to not listen, don’t cry. I repeated that to myself probably twenty times, but it did no good. I could only get a few words out for the prayer and could not compose myself. Rita took over. As soon as we were done with prayer, Dad and I headed to the other room and cried. The only gift I wanted that year and the only gift I will never receive until I pass is to just see my Mom, get her big hugs and be able to sit by her side as we talk until we are too tired to talk. Another first though that Christmas, Dad went to church. That had not happened for quite some time. I enjoyed having him there. I know Mom was smiling and I hope it becomes a new tradition.

One more first in 2013 that I can’t forget to mention was what happened that first weekend home after the funeral. The first night I got home after the funeral I was so excited to be in my own bed with the ability to sleep and not open my eyes until my body was rested. However that next morning at 4:30 am I heard a rooster do its cock-a-dooling. Then I heard another and it went on. I remember not opening my eyes, but simply saying, “really?” I thought for sure they would end soon. Yet it kept going on. So I finally opened my eyes and noticed it was 5:10am. I thought maybe the roosters just wanted out of their cage, so I threw the covers off, put on my slippers and went to go open the cage. I came back to bed and hoped for the best. Yet instead of them quitting they just got louder as they walked over by our bedroom window to make their presence known. I decided to get up. Before Mom got sick the roosters were still just babies and were not vocal at all. So I was not prepared at all for the loud commotion in the morning. The second morning was no different and the roosters would not shut up. As I laid in bed frustrated by the inability to sleep in, I exclaimed the roosters would have to die. This was on Friday. Saturday, with Dave’s desire to please his wife. Gathered the roosters. As I looked out the window and saw he had a rooster in his hand, for a brief moment I felt sorry for the fate that awaited the rooster. But then I heard that loud noise in the morning in my head and my moment of sorrow passed. So this was the first time I experienced a real-life killing of a chicken, making fresh chicken stew, and lacking the care for eliminating an animal’s life. I still care for all the other animals, the roosters had to go though. 

The visitation..funeral

The day of Mom’s visitation was a lot of errands and getting last minute details together for the funeral. A few nights before Dad and I went through the pictures to create photo boards. What I realized was Mom was great at taking pictures with all the family, but she avoided to be in any of them. She also liked to get doubles of everything. As I looked at the duplicates of all the photos, I was reminded of the time when my family went to South Dakota. Dad was getting tired of us making him travel to all the waterfalls. When asked to go see yet another waterfall, he commented, “You’ve seen one waterfall you’ve seen them all.” He made the same comment about the buffalos. So as I looked at all the scenery photos from that trip and then realized I was looking at the doubles of those scenery, all I could think was I seen one scenery photo, I have seen them all. I knew if Mom was there we would have just laughed about that time and so many of our other trips together.  

Among the pictures I also found a beautiful picture of Mom, which I later found out was for the church directory taken only a few years earlier. It was gorgeous and I was somewhat miffed that Mom had never shown me the picture. So I was able to find enough pictures for a few photo boards, that Elissa was willing to put together.

Dad also tried to help. He wanted to get the headstone picked out right away. He had brought poem after poem to be added to the tombstone. It was explained to him that space was limited. Not convinced, Dad and I had stopped at the monument to start to determine options. This helped Dad understand more of what was needed on the tombstone. However then Dad shifted to the casket. He kept bringing up things after things to put in the casket. I had mentioned this to Rita and Grandma and they both started laughing with the thoughts that we may have to get extra pallbearers to carry the casket. Dad then brought out a crock that we thought he was asking to put in the casket. For at least this item it was just to put out on a table as decoration, because painted on it was the front view of Mom’s restaurant she had owned. Grandma, Rita and I were all relieved as we weren’t sure how we would have told him “no.” Hindsight we should have put a lot of stuff in the casket since now Dad won’t let me get rid of anything.

At the visitation a lot of people came. It was non-stop of people. Fortunately I stood next to Grandma who was able to introduce me to people or remind me who they were. For the most part I kept my composure. The only times I would lose it is when someone would mention how much Mom loved me or was proud of me. That was so important because in the end that is all I wanted to know is that she loved me and that she was proud of me. Her approval was all I cared about.

That night Dave arrived but was completely sick. On Wednesday getting ready for the funeral Dave decided he just couldn’t go as he was so sick. I was disappointed and I don’t think Dad completely understood, but I was more concerned of just getting through the funeral.

The funeral was nice. Pastor Sam did a great job and it was obvious that he was just as much impacted by the loss as the rest of us. Pastor Sam did ask for comments from those in the audience. People said nice things. I then felt led to speak. As soon as I started to speak I got chocked up, but I pulled myself together and was able to speak all my thoughts. I think the hardest part of the funeral was when we sang Amazing Grace since Mom and I had sang that so often. I tried to keep my composure though as I just needed to remain strong for Dad.

After the funeral Dad and I took one last look at Mom and said our good-byes. It was still almost surreal that we were burying Mom. How did we get to this point? I was supposed to have about another year with her. I was not in control though and so I had to just accept the situation. Dad and I traveled to the cemetery. Pastor Sam said some great words and led us in singing Jesus Loves Me. Another song Mom and I would sing a lot. It was time to leave to go back to the church. As I got into the car it hit me that I was leaving Mom. I had spent almost the last six weeks by Mom’s side and now I am leaving her behind for good. No more talks, no more walks, no more singing, no more hugs, no more anything. I lost it. I just started bawling. All the tears and emotions I had held inside for those six weeks came out in this one moment. I wasn’t ready to leave and I wasn’t ready to let go.  Dad comforted me during this time. I knew he felt the same way. Trying to help each other during this time we drove away to have lunch with all the friends and family. It was a nice time, but I was ready to go rest at my parent’s house. Dad and I spent some time talking about the day. I knew I would need to get back home, but was concerned to leave Dad alone. I think Dad was afraid to be alone. That night I spent a lot of time thinking how will I make this work to be there for my job and family, but be there to support my Dad. I realized how quickly my time worrying about Mom shifted to worrying about Dad. I was exhausted and finally fell asleep.  

The day after

The day after Mom’s passing was filled with getting things checked off on the “to do list.” Rita was humored by my many to do lists. However those lists were critical to keep me on task and focused on the work and not my emotions.  Looking back on this time I realized I was very good and still am at filling my days with work to keep me from addressing my feelings. Knowing Dad was very emotional I sent him with Uncle Mike to go get a suit.

I along with Rita worked on submitting the obituary, finalizing funeral details, and picking out Mom’s outfit. We then met up with Grandma and Elissa to choose the flowers. With the help with the flower shop we decided to add some cooking utensils, like a rolling pin, whisk and a cookbook opened to one of Mom’s recipes.

After the work was done Rita, Elissa and I took a break and went to go get a pedicure. I felt bad for the gentleman who had me, because he kept asking me to lift my leg or put it in the water. My thoughts were everywhere but there and so he had to keep repeating everything. It was nice to get treated though. While getting my nails done I was reminded how Mom would say for as much as the hospital bills would be she should at least have received a pedicure. Mom did not get her pedicure while in the house, but Jeanne who did Mom’s makeover gave her a manicure. It was such a simple thing, but not necessary. It put a smile on my face and I am sure even on Mom’s.

I am sure what else put a smile on Mom’s face is what I came home to. I had asked Dad how his shopping went. He began to laugh and I could only imagine what that was about. Dad then explained that when he got home Mike and him realized that his jacket with blue and his pants were black. All I could do was laugh and knew Mom was laughing right along with me.

I then got a call from the funeral home needing a different shirt to hide the marks from all the tubes and possibly a hat or scarf to cover her head as she had lost too much hair. Rita again came to the rescue to help me pick out a different shirt. Going through Mom’s closet it was evident of her efforts as she had plenty of Mendota High School and Relay for Life t-shirts. The Mendota High School polo won out.

As the evening came I realized that Dad had his outfit, but I had nothing. I did not pack anything for a funeral, that wasn’t even a thought when I was packing. So I decided to take some time for myself to go get an outfit. When I arrived in the store, the lady asked me if I needed help finding anything. I don’t normally ask for help, but at this moment I realized I just needed some support. I started to get teary eyed as I explained I needed help to pick out an outfit for my Mom’s funeral. The clerk was very compassionate and gladly helped me. I felt fat and ugly as I just sat in a hospital room for six weeks. So every outfit looked awful. As I stood in the dressing room I just started to cry. This is a moment Mom should be with me. She would encourage me that the outfits are ok and I am ok. She would have suggested outfits. Then when I would come out to show her she would have poked, pulled and shifted the clothes to tell me what she honestly thought. She was not there though and I simply had the sales clerk who although was nice, was not Mom. I finally found the outfits and headed home. As I drove, I was not ready to go home and sit in a quiet home with Dad.

I decided to call Jeanne who graciously allowed me to come out to her home. She comforted me and allowed me to share my heart. She recognized how well I held it together. I tried to do this the best I could so I could be the strength my Dad needed. It was nice to just share with Jeanne though. Renewed I headed home and enjoyed another night in a real bed. 

The final day

When I awoke on Sunday morning August 4, 2013, Mom was still alive. August 4 is my wedding anniversary. I remember earlier that week I said I hope Mom doesn’t die on my anniversary. Yet that morning seeing her struggle, I told her it would be ok for her to pass on my anniversary.

Mom was struggling. It was evident that she was not comfortable and breathing was more difficult. Although she was not responding, we decided to start administering pain medication to ease any pain she may be experiencing. I was constantly soaking her lips to prevent sores. Constantly brushing the hair off the pillow and her clothes. I was constantly watching her breathing to see if she still had breath.

After church a few members came to check in on Mom. I am sure they were taken back by her condition. Jeanne Rapp came and played a song for Mom that expressed that she did her best, worked her hardest and now the work was done. I tried not to cry as it was time to be the hostess for all of these people. Appreciative from the break of just sitting there, it was also tiresome to put on a face of contentment when deep inside I was weary and despaired.

Then the Pastor came in with a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal to lay by Mom’s side. He had heard how one of the last things she spoke was the singing of the Mickey Mouse song. Pastor then prayed with Dad and I which again was a big deal for my dad to remain and pray. The Pastor also provided communion for us, because Mom had asked for that while in Peoria hospital. Again Dad partook in this as well. Although it was hard to let go of Mom, it was great to see how Dad was receiving this new sense of hope and peace in Jesus Christ. My Dad accepted the Lord and that provided some peace and comfort to what otherwise would be a miserable time of my life.

After a constant flow of church members, there remained just family. The hospital staff was extremely great during this time as the last few days they brought in refreshments to provide to family and visitors. They understood that it really was just a sit and wait for that dreadful moment. By dinner the family persuaded Dad and I to go get dinner. Neither one of us wanted to leave…just in case. After much convincing we headed to the usual Cindy’s diner. I love my Dad but our conversations were getting harder. Mainly because we didn’t have much to talk about. We had spent the last six weeks together in a hospital room focused on Mom. I didn’t have work or family to talk about or heck even the weather. Our attention had been on the care for Mom. So after six weeks of that and then adding the emotions of despair, defeat and distraught, what else was there to say. Plus neither of us were really hungry. We had been sitting for so long and we were too tired and anxious to eat. So we ate a few bites and tried to make conversation, but it was just getting to be too much.

We got back to the hospital and I met up with Grandma who shared that she knew of others with similar situations. She said I should prepare myself as this could go on for a few weeks. I thought to myself, Lord please no. It was hard to watch Mom struggle for breath. Plus I expressed to the family that I didn’t know how much more I could handle especially the dinners with Dad. We just didn’t have anything else to say to each other. The family was gracious and showed support. We then sat there for about 20 minutes and I realized I needed to go to get a drink of water. As I stood up I looked at Mom to see how she was doing and as I looked, I saw her breathing wasn’t right. With three hard breaths, she took her last one. I said something like, I think Mom just passed. The family all got up and confirmed that she was no longer breathing. We went to go get the nurse and she came to confirm and pronounce her time of death. 6:42 pm. The last time Mom would breathe a breath here on earth.

Dad just cried and the family held us and comforted us. The nurse was gracious and gave us all of the time we needed to say our good-byes. The family stayed with us for a little while and then shared that they would see us in the morning to finalize funeral plans. Dad and I stayed behind. As we stood by Mom’s bed, Dad asked me to say a prayer. It was the first time I could remember Dad, Mom and I praying as a family. Even though Mom was gone, I knew she was there in Spirit and I appreciated the moment to allow God to be the center of this very difficult time. Dad then expressed that just seconds before Mom’s passing, he had held the trinket the Pastor left behind and asked Jesus to take her so she would no longer suffer. I assured him, that Jesus had answered and during the good and bad Jesus would help him time and time again if he will just ask for the help.

We then packed up all of Mom’s cards, flowers and other items as we emptied the room to leave behind the woman we had hoped to bring home. I remained comforted that the home she went to was much more peaceful, with no more sorrow and no more pain. She had lived a good life, and made an amazing difference wherever she went. For all her years she had given so much of herself and took care of so many. God had seen her work and decided she had given enough. Her work here on earth was done and it was time for her to rest.

Dad and I kissed her one last time and said good-bye. It was a quiet walk to our cars and even more quiet at the house. Exhausted and with nothing left to say, Dad and I hugged one last time, gave each other a kiss and then retreated to our beds. This time I only had a clock to stare at. Mom was not in the room for me to watch her breathing. I had no family to talk to and no friends to entertain. I simply just had my thoughts, my tears, and my faith. I processed through it all and then closed my eyes. The day was over, my Mom was gone and I was done.

The week of memories and business

After learning that Mom’s time here would be limited the week was spent putting affairs in order and enjoying the few moments we had left.

Wednesday morning Mom woke me up saying, “I figured it out.” At first I was trying to understand what she was figuring out. She continued by saying, “It is the red dye from the M&Ms. That is how the government is getting us.” I then just laughed to myself as I realized she was half dreaming. I thought yes if the answers to all of our problems was as simple as the M&M’s red dye. After her brief words of wisdom, she went back to bed and so did I.

Wednesday afternoon Mom did get into the wheel chair and I took her for a short trip outside to enjoy the sunshine and the flowers. We went for a long walk around the whole hospital. It was really nice just to spend some quality time outside with Mom. She talked about school, the flowers, and even the weeds at the hospital. Again another moment looking back that I wish I would had asked her more questions. Yet it just seemed to be when we would enjoy our moments, of a somewhat normal life, I just didn’t want to talk about death or life without her.

For the business side, I met with hospice to see if that was the direction to take. Dad and I had to go make sure bank accounts, wills, and other important paper work was all in order. After meeting with hospice and even talking about potential nursing homes, the hospital was nice enough to let us stay there. Many of the staff knew Mom and was willing to help anyway they could. They also recognized that it would be just a few days and it was not worth all the paperwork and turmoil for transition. This really was a God blessing, because I have no idea how we would have done hospice or even the nursing home. Mendota Hospital and its staff really shined during this week.

Wednesday night Mom had gotten very quiet. She seemed to be sleeping, but Dad and I sensed that she was still awake. So I had mentioned that Mom was probably just fake sleeping and was hearing everything we were saying. Dad laughed. I then said I bet if we mentioned that we were going to get ice cream she would tell us what she wanted. She perked up and said, “Yes strawberry sundae please.” Dad and I just laughed. I of course then went to go get ice cream. At that point we were willing to get her whatever she wanted. We did not need to be concerned about diabetes numbers, calories or health of anything. If she wanted to eat something, we were going to let her have it. That night it was a strawberry sundae.  

It was moments like these that I clung to in order to keep the joy. In fact, the next door neighbor added a lot of humor too. He was a feisty old man who didn’t want to be there. He would be yelling for the nurses and they would come and then he would get mad that they came into his room. He was also supposed to ask for help when getting up and as he would say, “I don’t need no damn nurse to help me up.” Whether he wanted the help or not the alarm would go off and you could hear him grumbling. I am sure he was a pain for the staff, but he was my entertainment.

Thursday morning, Mom awoke wanting to speak to Zonnie, who was taking over for Mom at the school, so she could thank Zonnie and give her last minute pointers. Unfortunately Zonnie had just taken off for a long vacation and wasn’t available. I did though get everything out of the house that was “school” related and took it to Mendota High School for Zonnie to have when she got home.

Later that afternoon Mom mentioned to Grandma that she missed having coffee and rolls after church. Grandma said she would bring coffee and rolls in the morning. Mom every Sunday would go to church and then have coffee and rolls with Grandma and Rita. However because Mom had been in the hospital for the last month, these moments had not happened. Mom was anxious to have the breakfast. She woke up at midnight, 2am, 4am and 5:00 asking if her Mom was there with the coffee yet. I had to explain that it was still too early. After being awoken yet again at 6:30am I was called Grandma, because I knew she would be up to ask if she was coming. I told her that her daughter was anxious to have coffee with her Mom. Grandma said she was on her way. That morning Mom and Grandma shared their last cup of coffee and sweet roll together. I watch the two of them and thought how difficult this must be for a Mother to lose her daughter. It was an endearing moment to watch these two share a moment of such simplicity and yet how bitter sweet for this to be how it would be in the end. After that Mom did not eat or drink much. Her body was starting to shut down. They had to put a catheter in her. We had to give her most of her drinks through a straw. We also had to start really making sure to shift her side to side so she did not get bed sores.

Interestingly enough that Mom and Grandma celebrated their tradition, Dad and I had started our own. Every morning he would arrive about 7am with chocolate milk and breakfast pizza. To this day when I am feeling sad and missing my family I will hit the convenience store for my chocolate milk and breakfast pizza.

That morning Rita agreed to go with me to pick out the casket and start putting the obituary and other pieces together. Dad said he couldn’t handle it, which understanding how emotional it was, I was glad it was Rita who went with me anyways. This was no easy task, but having Rita there was a huge blessing. I had never done anything like this and I couldn’t have imagined doing it by myself. Fortunately Mom had a lot of stuff done too, from when she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She had written things, just in case. We did realize that I did not know what songs or bible verses Mom wanted and when I asked, a few too many times, she expressed her displeasure in me asking so many times. So we figured those out on our own.

After sitting most of the day without any response from her, she woke up around 1pm and said she wanted to go to the high school. Grandma and I were taken back that not only did she wake up so abruptly but by her first request of doing something. We convinced her a trip to the high school, might be too much but at least we could go for a walk. The staff once again willing to help, utilized the lift to get her in the chair. I wrapped her up and took her outside. This time on our journey we sang some songs and I shared with her how much I loved her. I did not mention that I would miss her or wonder how life would work without her. I just wanted to make sure I told her about my love for her and the various moments I appreciated. I could have gone on for a year talking about all the times she helped and the moments I enjoyed. I could have also shared all the times I appreciated her hugs, words of wisdom or gentle reminders of her love.  I kept it simple though and it was just a few words of love and appreciation. She got tired quickly and we only made it half way around the hospital. As we came up to the window to her room, she saw Grandma and waved to her. Grandma put a smile on Mom’s face. I am sure the relationship between Grandma and Mom were similar to my relationship with Mom. The bond of love, family and friendship has always been evident.

In fact Friday night many of the family members came to see Mom. They were all taken back by how bad Mom seemed to be. As we sat there telling stories, Mom then spoke. At first it seemed to be a bunch of gibberish, but then some things were more comprehensive. She mentioned something about brothers and chicken coop. The boys then confessed to their moments of harassment on Mom inside the chicken coops. She then said, “Buettner. Yes.” Dad and I now at her side. We asked if she heard her dad calling. She said yes and she heard the angels singing. We told her it was ok for her to go home. Dad and I both expressed that we would miss her but we didn’t want to see her in pain and that she should go sing with the angels. I had looked over at Dad and asked if he now believed in Jesus. He said yes. Up until this point Dad had claimed that he wasn’t sure he could believe in all that Jesus stuff. I would bring it up every once in a while at the Peoria hospital, but he said he just couldn’t talk about it. This time though he knew Jesus was real and would take care of Mom.

As Dad and I continued to express our love for Mom, the family decided to leave. Dad went out with the family and I stayed with Mom. She and I sang Amazing Grace together. I thought for sure this was it. I thought Mom was going home. I sat by her side waiting for her to take her last breath. Dad went to go lay down on the futon. Mom then woke up and started counting from 56-61. She passed away at 61. Was she counting her years? She then started to sing the Mickey Mouse song. We told her it was ok to go to sleep and she did fall asleep. Dad slept that night at the hospital. I was at the hospital, but did not sleep much. If she passed away I did not want her lying there all night without us knowing. So I would keep watching her as she breathed to see if she had quit. I had finally just fallen asleep when the Pastor came in and woke me up. The first thing I said was, did she pass away. I then realized it was the Pastor who scared dad too. The Pastor was away all week at a conference and wanted to check in as soon as he got back. It was very much appreciated how much he cared and loved Mom. He just really scared, two very tired peopleJ.

Saturday, Mom said nothing. Her hair was really falling out from the radiation. I had to wet her lips with a sponge and force a sponge in her mouth to keep her from getting mouth sores. We had to keep turning her and doing the best to keep her comfortable. Family came to visit and the day just seemed to go by so slowly. That night Rita and my cousins Elissa and Sara came by to keep me company. We shared some great memories, and figured Mom was enjoying the company and the laughs, even if she couldn’t express it. I really appreciated the girl time and the humor. Rita decided to stay that night which was nice, but I again did not sleep much to watch Mom breathe. Plus I was afraid I would snore really loud and then Rita would not get any sleep.

I did eventually fall asleep and when I awoke, Mom was still breathing. Rita was still there and Dad had arrived with the chocolate milk and breakfast pizza. Another day had passed and Mom was still alive.

The day of defeat

When the doctor told us that the cancer was too invasive, I remember just feeling overwhelmingly defeated. We had been on such a journey of ups and downs and I thought we were back on the upside. This news was totally devastating.

Mom was not completely comprehending everything. What we said to her is that she did not have to fight anymore. While in Peoria, she would mention how she was ready to die. We would explain to her that it was just an infection. We encouraged her to keep fighting because once the infection was cleared she would feel much better. Dad would ask her to hang on so we could get her home to enjoy her garden. She complied, but maybe she already knew. Now Dad and I knew too. Plus I would have to let everyone else know too.

After the Doctor shared the news we were then asked to think about signing the Do Not Resuscitate form and think about taking Mom home and bringing in hospice. It was a whirlwind of information, decisions and emotions. Dad and I decided to include others in these decisions. We called Rita to come and we knew Grandma was on her way. Rita and Grandma had really been a big part of the journey and had been there for all the pivotal moments and decisions in the past and Dad and I wanted to ensure they agreed with these final choices. While we waited for family, Dad being distraught went outside. I stayed with Mom but unable to hold back my emotions. I started to cry. Mom said quit crying and you need to get back to work. Typical Mom. Forget the pity party and get back to work. So I explained to her again that unfortunately she was not doing well and so I was just going to stay with her. I then said I had to go to the bathroom and went to the chapel to continue my cry and pull myself together.

I was desperate to tell especially Rita and Grandma. They had been there through it all. Not only were they supportive and encouraging to Mom, they had been my support. I needed their support more than ever. My whole life when things were difficult and I had big decisions to make I had always turned to my Mom. Although I had my Dad, I really wanted and needed my Mom to do what she does best…give me a hug and tell me everything will be ok. Since she could not do that I really appreciated to have other amazing, loving women in my life who could give me that motherly hug I yearned.

Rita had made it to the hospital. I was going to wait until Grandma got there so I could tell both of them at the same time. Yet I couldn’t keep it inside so I told Rita. Then I saw Grandma walking to the hospital front door. I decided I would meet her in the lobby to tell her, so she could compose herself before seeing Mom. I met Grandma and asked if we could sit in the lobby. We sat down and one of Grandma’s previous neighbors came over to talk about her garden and gossip about another neighbor. As I listened to this lady go on, inside I was screaming. I was thinking, really this is your issue? My Mom is dying and I have to tell her Mom that she will need to say good-bye to her daughter. Yet then I heard Mom in my head, saying focus on the woman and take time for others. I did the best I could.

The lady then left and I had to tell Grandma. That look, that demeanor, that face of defeat was familiar as it was exactly all I had gone through just a few hours earlier. Grandma kept saying, oh no and the tears began to form. I held her hands and then we hugged. That hug that we both needed to help each other during such a difficult moment. It was as if time stopped and we were the only ones in the room. Then as we started to compose ourselves I looked up and realized that life did not stop. Something I have had to learn that although I wish the world would stop or that everyone would comfort me since I was losing my Mom, I realized the world did not stop and other people had their own lives and their own problems.

I took Grandma to the room and she was such a trooper as she said hi to her daughter and asked how she was doing. Dad and I then asked Grandma and Rita if they agreed with our decision to end all treatment and sign the Do Not Resuscitate. They did agree.

In those few short hours my focus still on caregiving for Mom, but also now was about taking care of Dad and business. I had to call my job to share that I would not be back to work for a while. I called my husband to tell him what was going on and to start planning to come home for a funeral. I had to call each of the family members as this was not something to text. I also had to call Mom’s boss to let him know that she would not be coming back to work. Each call was difficult. As I spoke the words it was hard to say and difficult to admit that the end was near.

Some of her friends had started to come to see Mom. We had told the church and school on Monday that people could start coming over the next few weeks thinking she had plenty of time for visitors. Unfortunately one of her friends had come early that morning and I sent them away as I just couldn’t face the public and speaking the words of her new diagnosis.

Then that dreaded time came where the nurse came to get Dad and I to sign the Do Not Resuscitate form. The nurse explained the details to us and left us as we signed the form. Dad and I knew it was the right thing to do. Signing the form though seemed so final. It was the signature that admitted defeat. It was a signature that although we were not, felt as if we were giving up. We knew we were not. We knew it is what Mom would have wanted. It is what we all agreed upon. It was what we needed to do. Dad signed the form and then he went outside for some more time to himself.

I stayed that night with my Mom. She asked me to lay with her. I really couldn’t since she was in the bed all propped up, but I put my head on her chest and lay as much as I could by her. I sang Amazing Grace. When she fell asleep I laid on the futon. I would have enjoyed sleeping in the bed with her and talking about the journey we had and plans for the future like we used to do. But what we used to do would be no more. Our nights together would be limited as well as our conversations. This night was the first night to many of learning how I would do life without my Mom and without my Best Friend. 

Great support...rough summer

We were in the Peoria Hospital for four weeks as the doctors tried to identify the source of the infection and how to address the infection. Mom was allergic to penicillin and so doctors had to try various medications. Mom was always a fighter, but the infection really took a toll on Mom. She struggled with reading, writing, walking, eating and all the basics of life.

The first time Mom said she was ready to die was something I don’t think I could have ever prepared myself for. As quickly as she said it was as quickly as I dismissed it and told her not to talk that way as she was going to get better. However as time went on, she would say it often and sometimes I would then continue the talk with her. She would share that she was ready and knew dad and I were in good hands. I would try not cry as I would share how much she meant to me and how blessed I was by her love and friendship. I never got to say everything though, because it was too much to bear. Besides this was just an infection and once the right medicine was administered she would be healed and released home. Hindsight I wish I would have asked so much more and shared more with her.

One day Mom said, “I am having a self-pitty moment.” Considering how well she had handled everything we granted her that time. Dad got her a stuffed animated lion that spoke words about love and care. She sat there and held the lion for a good amount of time. This was a new site as I had never seen Mom in so much despair. Not to make lite of the situation, but she did get fairly pitiful. There was a point where she said she just couldn’t do anything and she couldn’t see. At first I was very concerned that with everything that now her eyesight was going. So I quickly retrieved the nurse to have Mom’s eyes checked out. Testing her, the nurse put a colorful saying on the back of the clipboard. As she walked in Mom started reading the quote. I guess she was ok. She then said she was too sad to eat and she just didn’t want to go on. I then pulled out a chocolate bar and commented that she must not even be hungry enough to eat the candy that I brought. She quickly changed her mind and decided that she could handle at least the candy…lol. Overall though Mom was such a trooper. She got poked so many times in her hands, feet, ankles and arms. She had to get test after test and was getting daily radiation treatments. She was limited what to eat and all of her basic skills were being affected. She was definitely granted a day of self-pity and even her moments to get some extra compassion.

During that time family continued to come and were a huge support and help. Friends, church family members and community members were also so supportive. The number of cards people sent surpassed what I could have ever imagined. The prayers, words of concern and encouragement always provided an extra lift. Pastor Sam came to Peoria to visit twice. They were always timed perfect as they were times Mom would be getting very depressed. He would speak words of encouragement and health. Mom was always worried that she wasn’t good enough to go to heaven (really?). Pastor Sam would calm those fears and remind her how much God loved her. Aunt Darla had come to stay with Mom one night when Dad and I really needed a break. Darla had helped Mom practice writing her name and even danced with her to get her up out of bed.

An unexpected moment of encouragement came from one of the housekeepers. Veronica came into the room to wipe down the room. She overheard Mom wanting to quit and not feeling that anything could help her. Veronica immediately told her to hang in there and that God was not done with her. Veronica sang songs with us and prayed with us. Mom called Veronica the angel God knew she needed for the day.

Singing provided uplifting moments. Although Mom had difficult time talking, reading and remembering, singing songs she was able to do. The doctors said that was common and the power of the songs and melody are easier for the brain to recall. When I was younger, as Mom and I would drive to church we would sing songs. She would sing the main vocal and I would sing back up. Duke of Earl, My Girl, and Blue Moon were some of our favorites. We did not miss a beat and sang away in the room. We also sang You are my Sunshine, Amazing Grace, Jesus loves me, and the Old Rugged Cross. (Thank God one of the cards she got had the words to the Old Rugged Cross, because we botched the words on that one).

The songs really seemed to bring comfort to her. I am sure because it was the moments she did not struggle to articulate the thoughts in her head. The songs also helped me remember the good times and forget for the moment all the challenges we were facing.

We would also joke about day lilies. Mom and Dad had come earlier in the spring to visit me in Manitowoc. Mom helped me plant flowers. She had transplanted many of her Day Lilies. I had asked why they were called Day Lilies. She replied that they only bloom a day. At first I thought she was serious and spoke how bogus that would be to put in all that work just for a day of blooms. So we laughed as the days went by in the hospital that I would miss the one day of blooms. Fortunately the one weekend I went home to pay bills and do payroll, the flowers were in full bloom. I took pictures and showed Mom when I got back to the hospital.

It was imperative to find the glimmers of joy and hope, because that round of four weeks in the Peoria hospital were intense. It was up and down with trying to find the right medicine. There were many sleepless nights and days. It required being there for Mom and Dad and still somehow trying to manage things at my own home and work. It was emotional seeing Mom struggle with life and Dad and I feeling so hopeless. I barely left the room unless it was to take Dad to get something to eat, connect with family and work, or to take a shower. I once in a while stayed at the family care house, but because Mom could not manage much on her own, I would stay with her to help if she needed to go to the bathroom, get something to drink, or if she needed company.

Summer passed by and I wish it would not have been spent in the hospital. However I was blessed to have had so much vacation time and an understanding boss and husband that I was able to be with Mom and Dad every step of the way. It wasn’t easy, but I would have not wanted it any other way. Family, friends, church and hospital staff were a huge part of helping us manage such a difficult time.

Thanks to everyone who helped along the way.

I still don't understand

After three weeks in the hospital trying to recover from the infection, it was time to go home. Mom still had a few weeks on an intense schedule of medicine treatments. Plus the infection had taken a toll on Mom and therapy was needed to help her with walking, writing and reading. We were able to get a room at the Mendota Community Hospital in their Bridge to Home program. This allowed us to go home, be close to family, church members and community support. She wasn’t 100% better, but for us it was a sign of us moving in the right direction. Because of the long drive, we had Mom transported by ambulance. While Mom was in the hospital she had gotten her radiation treatments and the focus had really been on dealing with the infection, that addressing the cancer was almost second in thought.

However before we left I met with the doctor and asked for clarification of what extent the cancer was at. The doctor explained that we probably had a year or a little more. I helped load Mom in the ambulance and then got in my own car to follow. As I settled in I thought about that statement…”a year or a little more.” I processed that more and thought, do I tell anyone? How would Mom take the news, or Dad or anyone? Would Mom give up or work really hard to get everything done? Then I thought what will I do? Do I come home every weekend, take more time off or go back to life like normal? Overwhelmed with emotions and questions I called Dave to ask him to help me process. My husband was so patient and understanding during this difficult time as he let me take care of family things as he took care of things at home. In that moment he said he would support whatever I felt I needed to do.

Still not knowing what I would do, I decided for that time it would be important to just be present in the moment, enjoy the time I had and be positive to keep Mom strong. We got to the hospital and Dad, Grandma and Rita were there to greet us. The nurse had a series of questions to answer and I rattled off all the details, medicine and expectations for therapy and treatments. Mom was also visited by the doctor who would be taking care of her. The doctor seemed somewhat surprised that she was there, but at the time we did not know what that meant.

Then lunch was delivered. Rita asked if she could have the brownie. Mom gave her a dirty look and said “no.” It was funny to see her so determined for her food. Who could blame her though as she had the same menu for the last 4 weeks so it was nice to have some other options? We then sat around and talked and celebrated that Mom was back in Mendota. As everyone got ready to leave I asked Mom if she wanted me to stay. She at first said I should go home and get to sleep in a bed. Then I responded that this room was nicer than all of them as it had a futon I could sleep on and I was planning on staying until Monday anyways so I could stay. She then looked up at me with these sad eyes and whispered, “Could you stay with me?” I responded of course and gave her a kiss on her forehead. I was grateful she was going to let me stay. I had only been away from Mom for such a limited time over those five weeks. I was just as desperate to stay with her as I was happy to know she wanted me there as well. The futon was a welcome addition too.

Sunday not much had happened, but Mom did not seem to be doing very well. However we just figured it was because she finally wanted to rest from the long journey. Sunday night I did go stay at my parent’s house but was back early to meet with the doctor on Monday morning to discuss the plans.

Monday Dad and I got to the hospital and Mom was not doing well at all. Her diabetes numbers were all over the place. The Doctor said she was running tests but may not have results until later. I once again questioned what I should do…stay or head home. I decided to stay until the test results were back.

Monday afternoon the doctor came to share that her liver was shutting down. They would administer other medicine to see what could be done and if her body would respond. We were all shocked. How could this be? We just got done with the infection and the liver was never a concern. However earlier that week still in Peoria, we had pointed out to the doctor how yellow Mom’s eyes seemed to appear. The doctor at that time said they did some checks and did not mention any concerns with the liver. So how could this happen?

On Tuesday the Doctor came back and said the cancer was too invasive and with medicine we could keep Mom alive for a few more weeks. Dad and I knew we were done…the fight was over. No more medicine. No more tests. No more poking, prodding, guessing, fighting. We were done. That is how Mom would have wanted it.

To this day out of all that had happened this is what I question most. How did we go from having a year to a week? How did we recognize the yellow in her eyes while in Peoria, but they found nothing and then in a few days the cancer had taken over the liver? How did we go from a celebration of being to home, to the realization she was really going home to heaven? I can sometimes drive myself crazy trying to figure this out. What brings me comfort is that if we would have known about the liver malfunction in Peoria, we would have had to figure out how to take care of Mom in my Parent’s house instead of having the first class care at the hospital. If Mom would have had a year she would have either been miserable because she wouldn’t have been able to work, or overworked herself to get everything in place. Mom never wanted to be in pain and that was achieved. I had questioned how Dad and I would change our lives and now I didn’t need to figure that out.

I will never understand what went wrong, what did we miss and how could Peoria have been so wrong. Yet I keep looking to the good that came out of this to help keep the tears at bay and the questions quiet. My heart still aches, but in the end I trust that God had a plan and I can see the good. Most of all I am grateful that God protected Mom, Dad and I from having to make some of the most difficult decisions during the end of life process, since He made them for us. 

Relay for Life

We had been back in the hospital for a few days. Mom was there but not very responsive. However the day of Relay for Life she woke up and said, “Relay for Life, Relay for Life.” That whole day she would talk about her team “Breast Friends” and of course felt bad that she was missing out. She had hoped people would understand why she was not there. Which of course they did.

This year I joined the team to walk in memory of my Mom. I am mad at myself that I hadn’t been part of the team sooner. However I have had to remind myself many times this year that I can’t live in regret but continue to find ways to bring honor to my Mom and live out her legacy.

Not only was I able to be a part of the team, but I was asked to speak on behalf as a caregiver. Fortunately I had a four hour drive to think of what I would say, and also to process the reality of that time. Writing this blog has been healing, but speaking it added a new dimension. During my talk I shared how I had to help Mom with the little things like remembering her birth year. Then I had to assist with more skilled pieces such as remembering how to read and write. Yet the hardest thing to help with is when I realized I was helpless because there were no more medication or treatment options. I did make it through giving the presentation without a bunch of tears. All my family was there to support me. I also know my mom was there. The weather outside was bad so the event was moved to the high school. Mom had worked for the high school for over 20 years. The place where I presented was in the cafeteria. In this very room is where my Mom spent most of her time and where the plaque honoring her hangs. So although we were inside Mom’s spirit was all over the event.

I made it through the speech, but that first caregiver lap was very difficult. I saw the rest of my family walking with those who had survived and half of the lap I walked alone. A reminder that Mom was truly gone. The reminder of how I should have been there all the years in the past to spend time celebrating her survival. Now I can only celebrate her memory. My family recognized I was struggling and came to walk by my side. A great imagery of this whole journey. From the moment Mom was in the hospital, my family was there to help. Grandma was wonderful in helping me understand some of the billing and provided that hug I always needed. My Aunt Billie and Uncle Mike helped me but was the extra support my Dad needed. My Aunt Jeri and Wanda and Uncle Leon, Garry and Ron came many times to entertain my mom and provide words of comfort. My cousins just loved and comforted me. My Aunt Darla took care of Mom one night when Dad and I really needed a break. Although I am so blessed by all my family, my Aunt Rita was my angel. She was there every step of the way. She was my safe person for me to talk to about logistics and even me true emotions. She helped manage the bills, some of the paperwork and communication with Mom’s work. Rita is also the person I still call when I just need to vent or cry or really need a friend. I do also talk to Grandma sometimes about the things I am not sure what to do or how to help my Dad. Everyone in my family played a role then and continues to provide great love and support. I am grateful for each of them as they all are valuable to me.

After that first lap, the walk got easier. I would see the bags in memory of my Mom. People would come up and thank me for speaking and then share memories about Mom. Her spirit continued to shine throughout the evening. Aunt Wanda had made a beautiful quilt to raffle. On the quilt was a label sharing that she made the quilt and was in loving memory of Carolyn Pollard. Supposedly Aunt Jeri told cousin Janell that if she won the quilt she would donate it to me, but never expected to win since she never wins. However Aunt Jeri’s name was drawn and I was rewarded this beautiful quilt. How wonderful that this beautiful quilt will stay in the family and be a reminder of the love of my two aunts and in memory of my Mom.

After 12 hours the night was over. Our team advanced to the Gold level raising almost $6000.00. It was a difficult, fun, and healing evening. I was able to spend time with my family, honor my Mom and raise funds to help other families celebrate another birthday with their loved ones.   Relay for Life is a great event and I am glad I was a part of it. 

We're Back.

I was only at work for a day and by the second morning, I received a call from Dad….Mom is not doing well. Her glucose numbers were way off and she was even more disoriented than he had ever seen. Being so far away was so frustrating. I suggested to see if things got better as the mornings are rough as she wakes up and gets something in her stomach.

In the afternoon I got the second call. Dad is taking Mom back to the emergency room. Then I got the next call. The hospital is rushing her back to Peoria. I decided to wait until the morning to head back to Peoria. That evening I tried to get as much work done as possible. Then I went out to dinner with my husband since that had been only the third night I had been home.

That night I cried as Dave asked me if I am ready to let my Mom go as this may be her time. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to admit it. Yet hindsight it was good to have that discussion to prepare my heart for what I was about to face.

As I drove back to the hospital on Thursday I had plenty of time to think, process and pray. I picked up Grandma along the way. Fortunately Aunt Rita was able to go down the night before to help my Dad. When we got there, Mom was not good. She kept saying she was tired. We tried to comfort her, but it was like talking to a young child who could not understand but just knew she did not feel good. This time the doctor did not provide promising news, but did admit that it was not clear what was all going on, so more tests were needed. Mom got to lay down as we waited for the tests. I sat with her as we waited in the hallway. Nothing was waking Mom up and I prepared for another few days of limited sleep. I tried to stay hopeful but how frustrating to feel like we were back to square one. As Mom was getting the test done, news came from Mendota hospital. A viral infection was detected in the blood tests taken before Mom was rushed to Peoria.

Good news as we know what is wrong. Bad news was there was no indication of the source of the infection and so determining the correct treatment was still unknown. Mom seemed worse than before. She struggled with walking, eating, drinking and even understanding anything that was being said. Everything was now a challenge for her. Dad and I became her voice and reason.

What awaited us next is the Patient Care Coordinator. Taking us to a separate room, she mentioned the “do not resuscitate.” Trying to remain calm and polite I wanted to listen, but inside screaming that this was not an option. My Dad showing less constraint did tell her that she was out of line and that was not even an option to be discussed. He stormed off. I remained and listened only to be curious. Yet I kept thinking, you don’t know my mom. She is a fighter. She has more to offer this world. There is more I want to do with her. This is not the end.

I thanked her for her time. I apologized for my Dad but explained how difficult and sudden this has been. She understood. When I found Dad he was upset. Understanding, we hugged and cried. How did we get here? Just last week was almost surreal, but we were home with hope for more years to come. Now we are back at the hospital with things appearing almost worse than before. Thinking of signing a do not resuscitate was just too much for both of us. All I could do was comfort my Dad as I saw the despair on his face. As we embraced I recognized how much we have had to start leaning on each other. I have always loved my Dad, but he is not much into talking or sharing especially on such deep matters. When it came to conversations of substance it was always Mom and I. So even this was foreign to us both.

That night we were both faced with the truth that not everything was fine. Life was taking us on a new path which neither of us really liked.  Trying to find the good, a lesson learned from Mom, I was grateful for the rollaway bed I got to sleep in versus those uncomfortable hospital chairs. Other than that I could not see the good in this. What I really wanted to do is scream to get everyone to stop what they were doing and put all focus on healing my Mom. I wanted to cry and have Mom do what she does best by giving me a hug and telling me it will all be ok. Those were not options. So I faked the smiles, worked to be patient and tried to stay strong.

What was most frustrating is the fact that we were back to the hospital. We were back to the unknown. We were back to square one. Not the place we had hoped we would be. 

Back to Manitowoc

When we brought Mom home, we had no idea that would be the last weekend Mom would be in that house, sit at the table on the back patio, or see her garden. If we would have known I am sure I would have used that weekend much differently. I would have asked about life insurance and bills. I would have also made Mom help me know what to get rid of and what to keep. Before the summer Mom and I had planned to take some time late that summer to declutter and clean the house. How convenient that she got out of that chore.

Since we thought that weekend was just a start to a long journey of radiation treatments and end of life planning, we took the weekend to rest. On Sunday Mom and I went to have coffee and rolls at Grandma’s house. We all noticed that Mom was having some difficulty with conversations again. She would get frustrated when she could not think of the words or say the words. She also slept a lot that weekend. Dad and I did not think much of it though, because we understood she had just been a lot.

On Monday though something was definitely off. As we got ready to go meet with the Oncologist to discuss radiation treatment, she struggled to get ready. I asked her to take the medicine and she wasn’t sure how to take it. I would tell her we need to go and got her up and then she would sit back down. I basically had to pull her to the car.

When we got to the Oncologists they had not received all of the test results from Peoria and so there was little they could tell us about treatment options. We did discuss Mom’s recurrence of disorientation and concern that the brain lining may be swelling again. We left the doctor’s with little of new information or direction.

When we got home I tried to get all things in order before heading back to Manitowoc. I could tell Dad was nervous with me leaving. Mom had a lot of medications to manage, including shots for her diabetes. Plus with Mom’s disorientation I was just as anxious to leave. Yet I had to get home. I kissed both my parents good bye and headed to Manitowoc. 

As I drove home I thought about the week and how fortunate I was to have so much vacation time that I could home often to help during this difficult time. When I arrived in Manitowoc it was nice to sleep in my own bed and try to get back to somewhat back to normal. Who knew that my time at home would be so short and my time with Mom would be so limited.  

We are going home.

The team of doctors would always arrive early. Since this was the first morning that I was not waking up by Mom’s side, Dad and I got up early to head over to the hospital. Peoria has this “family house” for families with members in the hospital to stay at. It is a nice building with 30 some hotel rooms. They also have laundry, shower and kitchen facilities. It is only a few blocks from the hospital and $25 a night. It is really a nice place and was a blessing to my family for many nights while we were there.

When they doctors came in they expressed how much better Mom was doing. They wanted to check a few more things, but she would probably go home that day. Excited to hear the news, my parents wanted to do something special for the staff. So Dad and I went to Wal-Mart and got cookies and cupcakes and one of those large Thank You cards. By the time we got back Mom said they had already started to put in the paperwork for her release. Dad and I started to pack things up while Mom started to write her comments in the card. She took time to recognize each nurse for their contribution. As I sat down beside her to help remember all of the nurses, I noticed her struggle with her writing. Yet we were both excited to be going home so we just ignored the obvious and kept going. Once the card was done my family went out to the nurses’ desk to give the tokens of appreciation and to thank each of them. Many of the nurses came and gave us hugs and said we would be missed but were glad we were able to go home. My Dad even made sure that the housekeeping staff got their own desserts and a thank you card. Everyone at the hospital was great. We were definitely glad to be going home, but it was sad. We became very attached to the staff. But you didn’t have to ask us twice. When the release papers were in hand we were out the door.

Before leaving I did get to talk to the physician assistant to just confirm next steps. She showed me the brain scan and said that fortunately the mass was manageable. Getting Mom started on radiation immediately was the critical next step. I asked if there was something we should have done or things we would have noticed. The PA said that many times those surviving breast cancer, the next growth area is the brain. Concerned knowing many other women who survived breast cancer and knowing that insurance is not likely to cover a brain scan we discussed strategies to get that covered. The PA also shared that her mom had breast cancer and then the mass on her brain. She explained how her Mom lived for a few years after the diagnosis of the brain tumor. She encouraged me to enjoy my time with my Mom and to know how lucky we were that the mass was still small and hopefully detected early. With these words of wisdom, I went back to the room to finishing loading things up to leave.

We all piled into the car and the first thing Mom asked is if we could stop and get ice cream. The food at the hospital wasn’t that bad, but it was the same thing over and over. So ice cream was a special treat that hit the spot for all of us. After the ice cream, Mom and I slept the way home. It was a long week.When we got home we had to go get her six different medications. Mom and I then sat there at her chair trying to write in her calendar when and how much of each medication so we could keep it all straight.

That night we were all exhausted. We barely got through the nightly news and we were all in bed. No late night conversations for Mom and I. No words were needed. We had spent the last week in a hospital trying to make sense of this all. We knew that there would be much discussion moving forward as major decisions would have to be made.  Tonight it was a time to just enjoy the fact we were at home and being able to sleep without machines and nurses. Yes, we all slept good that night. 

Fireworks

For whatever reason I have never been a big fan of fireworks. Mom and Dad however love fireworks. No matter where they were for the fourth of July, they would find out where the biggest firework show was at and attended. Fortunately the staff at Saint Francis Peoria hospital helped carry on that tradition.

On July 3^rd there were fireworks being shown down the block from the hospital. When the staff heard how Mom loved fireworks they came in the evening to rearrange the room so Mom could the fireworks outside her window. Unfortunately they were hard to see, but every once in a while you could see a firework or two through the tree branches. As I saw Mom get excited by the few glimpses of fireworks, I started to get teary eye. I realized this could be the last time I watched fireworks with my mom. The nurse Jenny, leaned over and gave me a hug. I wiped the tears from my eyes and went back to helping Mom find the fireworks through the trees. Once the fireworks were done, we moved all the chords and equipment back so Mom could go back to bed and sleep. I didn’t sleep much that night as I thought of all the things I wish I would have done with my mom.

July 4^th was another party in Mom’s room. More family came to visit which we all appreciated. Mom was doing better and she was able to keep up with the conversations. She was definitely healing and it was great to see. July 4^th was the night for the big fireworks over the bridge in Peoria. On the other side of the floor Mom was on provided a great view of the display. Mom, Dad and I went to the other side to watch the fireworks. I have to admit they were quite impressive. Mom would comment about a few of them. Dad and I stood behind Mom holding hands and appreciating the family time together enjoying a simple activity. Life almost seemed back to normal. Because she was doing better that was the first night I did not stay with Mom, but went back to the family house with Dad.

I am still not a big fan of fireworks, but now when I see them I think of Mom and our last time doing something together as a family. I remember how happy she was to see the display and how Dad and I stood by to enjoy the moment together.  

Happy as Can be Anniversary

July 3^rd, the day of my parent’s anniversary. Although last year they had planned to spend it in St. Louis, they celebrated in Peoria at the hospital. This was the fourth day in the hospital and Mom was still struggling with her words and thoughts, but she was definitely getting better. Mom asked me to go get something for Dad out of the gift shop. Candy it was for him. Then dad asked to me to go with him to get her something. Flowers were not allowed on the Intensive Care Unit. So Dad found this animated frog with an umbrella and raincoat stating “Hope you feel better soon.” It would tap its foot, move side to side and sing the song “Singing in the rain.” I mean the whole song. Mom appreciated the gift and showed it and played the song to everyone; family, staff and even the housekeeper. I think it made Dad feel good as it brought some joy to Mom’s face.

That day was good to because many family members came to visit. Rita brought cupcakes for the celebration. We had to get more chairs and the nurses were all invited to come get a cupcake and celebrate. Fortunately Mom’s room was at the end of the hallway, because we were quite loud. It was good to see Mom laughing and enjoying family. This was the Mom I knew. Not only did we have a good time, but I think the staff really enjoyed our family get together as well.

Mom and Dad met at the Octave Restaurant. Mom was a waitress at the time. They married young. They were not rich, but they gave freely. They were opposite in nature, but completed one another. They were not flashy in their relationship, but their love was genuine. They had their struggles, but they stuck through it. They were also faithful to one another. However that day as we were talking about Mom and Dad’s anniversary, Mom started a sentence with, “When I cheated.” We all were like, what? She then continued, “Cheated off the board to know it was July 3^rd and her anniversary.” We all just laughed as we thought maybe this was her moment of confession. During this time she also mentioned that I had only screwed up once in my life. I guess I am glad that she didn’t know or recognize the 500,000 other mistakes I have made.

As Mom was giving me advice for my own marriage, she said it was important to marry my best friend and someone who would make me laugh. Then Mom jokingly said, “I have been married for 35 years and I am just starting to like your Dad.” This was to remind me that there will be the bad and good days.

I have many memories of the good days. Some of the most memorable included the numerous trips we took together. Every year we would go on a family vacation. One year my parents didn’t have a lot of money, but they were still going to have their family vacation. We got into the car and drove as far as we could. We got to Omaha, Nebraska. We had an ice cream cone and then got back in the car and drove back home. I can’t say that the ice cream was special, but the trip left an impression. One year we went to Southern Illinois. Mom and I decided we would walk the two miles to see the “little grand canyon.” When we got there it was of nothing worth seeing. Yet we were determined to make Dad jealous that he did not go with us. We were going to tell him how great it was, but we were laughing so hard it was quite obvious to Dad that it was a big joke. Another time that Mom and I always laughed about was this hotel that we went to. Dad would normally always let Mom and I carry in the luggage and he would already be in the room laying down. This one hotel was different. He was the last in to the room with the luggage. The room had mouse traps in it and I don’t think there were any springs in the bed. The bathroom light sounded like a jet ready to take off. We did not stay long in that room.

Mom and I had our own special trips too. One time she took me and three of my friends to Lake Geneva so we could see Def Leppard. As my Aunt would say how can they know what they are playing if they are deaf. Another year when I was really young, Mom chaperoned a trip to the Chicago Zoo. While having lunch a guy came into the cafeteria screaming and throwing trays. We thought we were going to die. We obviously did not. Mom and I had talked in the last few years to go to Springfield and Door County. We did not make it.

There were many good days between my Mom and Dad and I was fortunate to be part of many of those. This year Mom and Dad would have celebrated 44 years. Today the frog that Dad gave to Mom sits on top of the TV cabinet. The chair that Mom always sat in now sits empty. Pictures of her adorn the living room. Her stuff remains in the drawers and closets. The plants she planted are in full bloom.

As hard as it is for me to lose my Mom, I can only imagine how much more difficult it is to lose your spouse. Dad is doing better than I expected, but obviously struggling as everywhere he turns he is reminded of her. So as much as I write these to bring remembrance and honor to my Mom. Today I want to recognize my Dad and the strength he has shown during this time. It cannot be easy and especially on this day as he spends his first anniversary without the one he loves the most. Please pray for him.

It's Cancer

Because Mom went to St. Francis in Peoria over the weekend we did not get much information of what was wrong with her. When she first was admitted it was under the assumption that she was having a stroke. On Monday we got the answer that it wasn’t a stroke but a mass on her brain and that the lining of her brain was very inflamed. However the doctors wanted to do more tests to get a more accurate picture of all that was going on in her body. This was only one of many tests she would endure. In fact we joked that by the time she was done she probably had utilized every machine that provides some kind of test.

Not fully sure ourselves what the results meant and worried that Mom would be devastated by the news, we decided to wait to tell her everything until we knew the whole diagnosis. This was our first hard decision of many more to come. There was much discussion of whether we should just tell her what the doctors found out or wait until there was a better analysis of the problem. We didn’t want to lie to Mom, but we also didn’t want her to give up and limit her ability to heal. Honestly, I think most of us were just trying to deal with the news ourselves. My Aunt after hearing the news started to cry a little, Mom asked her what was wrong. She responded that she just stubbed her toe. Good cover up. I know for me I was hesitant to say anything, because secretly I was hoping the doctors would come back with better news. Information that would that would include what was wrong but how she could overcome this. So in the beginning we just told her that she was sick and that her brain lining was swollen which was causing her difficulty in speech. 

As the week went on it was confirmed that the cancer had come back and besides the tumor on her brain, they had also found a spot on her chest, liver and spine. Their main focus for now though was the mass in her brain. They did offer hope and said with radiation, it could extend her time. They put her on steroids to help with the swelling and monitored that closely because they would release her once the swelling was down. Then she would be discharged to go seek treatment back home.

One of the nurses, Janet, comforted us by sharing how her mom had a tumor on the brain and cancer on the spine and lived a few more productive years before cancer took her life. I remember praying after that conversation and asked that God would guide us in the way we should go and spare my Mom any pain. That when it was her time to go to let her go peacefully. He definitely answered that prayer just not according to my time table.

The diagnosis received was not the best news but it wasn’t the worst. There was still hope. When we finally told Mom she received the news fairly well. She said she would try to get better as long as she only had to do radiation and not chemo, because she would never do that again.

Mom had already gone through radiation and chemo once. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. Just like this time she was a trooper than. She never complained, still tried to work as much as she could, and trusted with God’s help she would fight this awful disease. She did. That year cancer did not win. In fact in true Carolyn fashion, she made friends wherever she went, encouraged others in their healing and went out of her way to show appreciation to those who helped along the way. My Mom fought hard and arose the victor. Studies say that 7.6 million people die from cancer each year. That year she was not one of those statistics.

During that time of cancer, she wrote a journal which I found while cleaning out her stuff. In that journal she wrote how she was scared but wanted to be strong for everyone else (typical). Her sister and friend who had previously survived breast cancer were a big help as they guided her through the steps. She then shared how she hoped for the best but prepared for the worst. She wrote her obituary, had copies of certificates, and documented logins and passwords for her files. Fortunately she had done that to help in this new crisis. She also wrote in the journal how grateful she was for her friends and family and the support of work and church. She then shared how she had dad start paying bills so he could learn about that process. She felt he would be fine without her because he already knew how to cook, clean and do laundry. The most meaningful piece for me was when she mentioned said she was proud of me and considered me her best friend. That was the best, because I wanted her to be proud of me and I shared in the same sentiment…she is my best friend as well. She also said I would be fine because I had a good husband and a nice home. I am not sure how “fine” Dad and I are doing. Life is definitely different without her, but we are managing.  

After her first stint with cancer, Mom along with my aunt and others, participated in Relay for Life on the team they formed Breast Friends. I am not sure why I was never more active with my family regarding this, but this year I will participate and walk in memory of my mom. In the past I had known many affected by cancer but survived. This year is different. This year I lost three amazing people to cancer and one more family member was diagnosed and overcame. This year I am participating as a member of Team Breast Friends. I will help raise money to support research to help other families defeat the disease and enjoy their loved ones. I will walk in honor of my Aunt Rita and my Uncle Leon. I will walk in memory of two great mentors, Milton Rapp and Gary Cleveland. I will also walk in memory of my best friend and mom, Carolyn Pollard. 

Leaving an Impact.

As my Mom continued to struggle with names, dates and other simple facts, she was still determined to treat everyone with respect. A lesson that she had instilled in me since I was little.

When I worked at Mom’s restaurant as a waitress and had difficult customer’s she taught me to kill them with kindness so only they would have to feel bad about their actions. I had learned that Mom would provide free meals to one of the ladies in the community who was fairly poor. She provided opportunities for the kids in the Special Education classes to work in the cafeteria and be part of the team. She would go out of her way to recognize students for their accomplishments. Plus she would never say anything bad about anyone and always willing to go out of her way to help others, was stated over and over in the sympathy cards sent to us. Yes Mom was a remarkable woman who lived a life of kindness, generosity and respect.

Despite her limitations in speech and illness, she still found ways to make the doctors and nurses feel appreciated. It started with their names. Mom believed in calling people by their first name. She was always better at that than me. That tradition continued as every nurse, doctor, housekeeper or other support staff came in she would ask them their name. Even if they were only there probably for one visit to collect blood or transport her for tests, she wanted to know their first name. When she couldn’t remember she would get frustrated. So I soon realized I would need to know everyone’s name as well to help my Mom when she could not remember, but to also show the same respect to the staff.  

Another way Mom would honor the staff is to get to know their stories. She never wanted to have attention directed on her or her problems and instead focused on everybody else. We learned about Holly who didn’t look 40 at all who was planning her son’s wedding. There was Janine who had a cute little boy Tristen. Jeremy worked for the navy for 8 years. Then there was Dr. George.  Her goal was to get him to laugh which she accomplished. With Dr. Mackey she would comment about his ties. Dr. Ruben she would tell him that he was her favorite, because when he talked to her she knew he was telling her the truth and she was in good hands. The list could go on and on as she had teams of doctors, nurses and other support staff that we knew every single one of their names and many of their life stories. Because of Mom’s care for others, Holly came in to see my Mom on her day off. Janine brought her son in so we could meet him. Nurses who were scheduled for other rooms, would still stop in to see how we were doing. Everyone loved my mom and really, how could you not?

Mom was also always good at finding joy and making the best of the situation. Case in point, when one of the guy nurses came into the room. She asked him his name and then asked if he was single. Looking shocked by her question, Mom quickly explained that she wasn’t asking for herself but thought she would use her time in the hospital to find her niece a boyfriend. This became the joke among all the staff. In fact one time the nurses were looking out the window and told Mom that a single guy was walking by but would not recommend him as dating material. My other single cousin then asked for Aunt Carolyn to start looking for her as well. We even sent a photo of one male nurse, but it didn’t amount to anything.

Both of my parents has also taught me the virtue of gratitude. Thank you goes a long way which we would say all the time when staff would help us. When later discharged, my dad brought treats for the whole staff and personalized messages of appreciation were sent to many of the staff as well.

That time in the hospital Mom reminded me of valuable lessons…get to know people’s name, care about people and their stories, laugh at life, make the best of the moments, and show gratitude. Mom might have had difficulties with her words, but not in her ability to touch people’s lives. Before her time in the hospital, Mom gave all she had to her coworkers, church members, community and family. During her time in the hospital her light continued to shine and reached the hospital staff. Even after her passing her legacy lives on and continues to have an impact on lives, especially mine. Thanks Mom.