It's Cancer

Because Mom went to St. Francis in Peoria over the weekend we did not get much information of what was wrong with her. When she first was admitted it was under the assumption that she was having a stroke. On Monday we got the answer that it wasn’t a stroke but a mass on her brain and that the lining of her brain was very inflamed. However the doctors wanted to do more tests to get a more accurate picture of all that was going on in her body. This was only one of many tests she would endure. In fact we joked that by the time she was done she probably had utilized every machine that provides some kind of test.

Not fully sure ourselves what the results meant and worried that Mom would be devastated by the news, we decided to wait to tell her everything until we knew the whole diagnosis. This was our first hard decision of many more to come. There was much discussion of whether we should just tell her what the doctors found out or wait until there was a better analysis of the problem. We didn’t want to lie to Mom, but we also didn’t want her to give up and limit her ability to heal. Honestly, I think most of us were just trying to deal with the news ourselves. My Aunt after hearing the news started to cry a little, Mom asked her what was wrong. She responded that she just stubbed her toe. Good cover up. I know for me I was hesitant to say anything, because secretly I was hoping the doctors would come back with better news. Information that would that would include what was wrong but how she could overcome this. So in the beginning we just told her that she was sick and that her brain lining was swollen which was causing her difficulty in speech. 

As the week went on it was confirmed that the cancer had come back and besides the tumor on her brain, they had also found a spot on her chest, liver and spine. Their main focus for now though was the mass in her brain. They did offer hope and said with radiation, it could extend her time. They put her on steroids to help with the swelling and monitored that closely because they would release her once the swelling was down. Then she would be discharged to go seek treatment back home.

One of the nurses, Janet, comforted us by sharing how her mom had a tumor on the brain and cancer on the spine and lived a few more productive years before cancer took her life. I remember praying after that conversation and asked that God would guide us in the way we should go and spare my Mom any pain. That when it was her time to go to let her go peacefully. He definitely answered that prayer just not according to my time table.

The diagnosis received was not the best news but it wasn’t the worst. There was still hope. When we finally told Mom she received the news fairly well. She said she would try to get better as long as she only had to do radiation and not chemo, because she would never do that again.

Mom had already gone through radiation and chemo once. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. Just like this time she was a trooper than. She never complained, still tried to work as much as she could, and trusted with God’s help she would fight this awful disease. She did. That year cancer did not win. In fact in true Carolyn fashion, she made friends wherever she went, encouraged others in their healing and went out of her way to show appreciation to those who helped along the way. My Mom fought hard and arose the victor. Studies say that 7.6 million people die from cancer each year. That year she was not one of those statistics.

During that time of cancer, she wrote a journal which I found while cleaning out her stuff. In that journal she wrote how she was scared but wanted to be strong for everyone else (typical). Her sister and friend who had previously survived breast cancer were a big help as they guided her through the steps. She then shared how she hoped for the best but prepared for the worst. She wrote her obituary, had copies of certificates, and documented logins and passwords for her files. Fortunately she had done that to help in this new crisis. She also wrote in the journal how grateful she was for her friends and family and the support of work and church. She then shared how she had dad start paying bills so he could learn about that process. She felt he would be fine without her because he already knew how to cook, clean and do laundry. The most meaningful piece for me was when she mentioned said she was proud of me and considered me her best friend. That was the best, because I wanted her to be proud of me and I shared in the same sentiment…she is my best friend as well. She also said I would be fine because I had a good husband and a nice home. I am not sure how “fine” Dad and I are doing. Life is definitely different without her, but we are managing.  

After her first stint with cancer, Mom along with my aunt and others, participated in Relay for Life on the team they formed Breast Friends. I am not sure why I was never more active with my family regarding this, but this year I will participate and walk in memory of my mom. In the past I had known many affected by cancer but survived. This year is different. This year I lost three amazing people to cancer and one more family member was diagnosed and overcame. This year I am participating as a member of Team Breast Friends. I will help raise money to support research to help other families defeat the disease and enjoy their loved ones. I will walk in honor of my Aunt Rita and my Uncle Leon. I will walk in memory of two great mentors, Milton Rapp and Gary Cleveland. I will also walk in memory of my best friend and mom, Carolyn Pollard.