Year of Firsts - Part 2

The new year came with the hope for better things and a fresh start. I had a new job in Milwaukee with an apartment to provide some down time from the family in Manitowoc. With the new job came new challenges, new boss, new friends, new life. It was great at first as it took my mind off the loss and kept my brain busy with all of the newness. As I settled in though the reality that I was still grieving was just as real. In fact one morning I had a dream where Mom and I were walking and enjoying our time together. Without even notice or explanation Mom turned around and started walking in the other direction. I called out to her but she did not respond. She didn't even turnaround to acknowledge me. I kept calling to her and she just kept walking away. As I started crying in my dreams I awoke and was bawling. Dave was in a panic as to what was wrong. When I shared with him, he didn’t know how to respond but asked if I was ok and then walked away. He didn’t say it, but I am sure he thought I might be losing it. I think I was.

I knew I was not in a good place. During the year I also experienced for the first time a moment…a long moment of being mad at God. During the whole time with Mom, it was my faith that kept me strong. It was my reliance on God that I could face the next day. It was instant after Mom’s passing but it was gradual and subtle. My Bible study time started to become just reading words in a book, the praise songs were merely words to a harmony and my prayers were void. I finally had to admit that I was mad at God. Not that I had any reason to be as I could point to all the good. It was good that Mom passed so quickly so she did not have to force herself to work hard and possibly get more sick, or be miserable because she couldn’t work. She got the best of care while in the hospital and not had to rely on dad or I through hospice. It was also good that Mom passed before Dad because of financial reasons. Fortunately God has big shoulders and is patient. It was sometime in April that I had a long drive home and I had the long talk with God. I shared that I understood and appreciated that Mom did not have to suffer or spend a long time planning her death. Yet I was just sad and I missed her and just mad. I heard that small voice that said it was ok and that I was not alone and when I was ready God would be there. I knew being mad at God did no good. I know anger is just a part of the grief process, but the longer I hung on to the emotion the longer before healing. I cried out to God to help me overcome the sadness and the anger. I was still here and obviously still have work to do. I am still sad sometimes, but the anger has evaporated. I still feel weaker in my faith, but the words I read during my Bible study once again now speak to me, the songs I sing offer hope and my prayers bring me peace. I never thought such a simple thing like losing my Mom would throw me for such a loop. I am grateful though that God is full of grace and mercy. He met me where I was at, waited for my heart to heal and helped in the process. I still don’t feel as if I am always on solid footing, but for the first time in a long time I experienced that separation from God and pray that it will be the last. It was lonely and I was lost. But now I am found and can see, that for all things I still need and want God to be in the center of my life.

Another big holiday for our family much like Christmas is Easter. Just like Christmas, Easter was not the same without Mom’s laughter and presence and another first holiday we would need to overcome. I got Aunt Jeri flowers like Mom did every year. Aunt Jeri put me in charge of the deviled eggs which Mom was responsible for each year. Trying to keep some of the same things in place seemed important but did not make the time any easier. Although we got through Easter, Dad and I both agreed that it was difficult. We knew it was good for us to be there, but we could have just as easily stayed at home and ignored the world. One thing I was surprised by was for as long as a drive it is to the Easter celebration for the first time Dad and I were able to find things to talk about the whole way both ways. We were definitely getting used to this talking thing between us.

The next first to overcome which seemed to be very difficult was my birthday. I did not expect to struggle as much as I did on this day. I received a text message from the ladies that worked with my Mom wishing me a happy birthday and for whatever reason that was my trigger. It was very sweet of the ladies, but it was a reminder that there would be no happy birthday wish from my mom. I cried that morning. In fact I cried a lot. My poor boss stopped by in the morning to wish me a birthday and commented how I didn’t look good and asked if I was ok. I started to cry again. Embarrassed by this lack of control of my emotions, my boss was understanding and comforted me. She was great and then I pulled myself together and went back to work. I tried to ignore the world that day. I just wanted to get to the end. This day and many days amaze me how our brains our wired that can cause such extreme emotions in just moments.

The year had gone by and now there was just my parent’s anniversary, remembering the times in the hospital and the anniversary of Mom’s passing. I wasn’t sure how I would handle the anniversary of Mom’s death. I decided I would write the blog to help me process my emotions, maybe help others and to tell our story. So another first was writing this blog which has been helpful and therapeutic.

For the one year anniversary, I went home that weekend to be with Dad and had dinner with him, Grandma, Rita, Garry and Elissa. We had breakfast with Mike and Darla. It was nice to be with family. I am constantly thankful for my family and the blessing and support they have been through all of this. The actual anniversary date was also my wedding anniversary. So Dave and I celebrated and I kept myself busy with errands and projects. So the day itself was manageable and it has passed. The year of firsts are over.

Dad has done better than expected. I am sure still very difficult as he has had to learn his life without her. Together we have grieved and learned how to enjoy the life we now have apart from Mom. Dad is trying to find things to occupy his time, is learning how to cook for one and managing a whole house the best he can. I have the new job in Milwaukee and am going back to school for my Master’s in business.  

Although the year of firsts are over I don’t doubt there won’t be moments that I will start to call Mom to talk about life to only be reminded that she is not there.  I am sure I will have more moments like I did today when I overheard a song that Mom and I used to sing together on our way to church and wish she were there to sing-a-long. I also know I will have moments that what I do will only be because of what Mom taught me in values like sending a card or remembering people’s name.

It is hard to believe it has been a year. Unfortunately Mom is gone, but she is not forgotten. She was an amazing woman who has taught me so much. She provided so much joy and went out of her way to make a difference in her family and community. It is an honor to call her Mom. Although I wish I had many more years with her in my life, I am appreciative and blessed by all the years I did have her in my life. To this day I am a better person because of the love of my Mom and I will always love her. I can’t wait to see her again in heaven and spend eternity together.

Written in loving memory of Carolyn Pollard Nov. 8, 1951-Aug. 4, 2013