The week of memories and business

After learning that Mom’s time here would be limited the week was spent putting affairs in order and enjoying the few moments we had left.

Wednesday morning Mom woke me up saying, “I figured it out.” At first I was trying to understand what she was figuring out. She continued by saying, “It is the red dye from the M&Ms. That is how the government is getting us.” I then just laughed to myself as I realized she was half dreaming. I thought yes if the answers to all of our problems was as simple as the M&M’s red dye. After her brief words of wisdom, she went back to bed and so did I.

Wednesday afternoon Mom did get into the wheel chair and I took her for a short trip outside to enjoy the sunshine and the flowers. We went for a long walk around the whole hospital. It was really nice just to spend some quality time outside with Mom. She talked about school, the flowers, and even the weeds at the hospital. Again another moment looking back that I wish I would had asked her more questions. Yet it just seemed to be when we would enjoy our moments, of a somewhat normal life, I just didn’t want to talk about death or life without her.

For the business side, I met with hospice to see if that was the direction to take. Dad and I had to go make sure bank accounts, wills, and other important paper work was all in order. After meeting with hospice and even talking about potential nursing homes, the hospital was nice enough to let us stay there. Many of the staff knew Mom and was willing to help anyway they could. They also recognized that it would be just a few days and it was not worth all the paperwork and turmoil for transition. This really was a God blessing, because I have no idea how we would have done hospice or even the nursing home. Mendota Hospital and its staff really shined during this week.

Wednesday night Mom had gotten very quiet. She seemed to be sleeping, but Dad and I sensed that she was still awake. So I had mentioned that Mom was probably just fake sleeping and was hearing everything we were saying. Dad laughed. I then said I bet if we mentioned that we were going to get ice cream she would tell us what she wanted. She perked up and said, “Yes strawberry sundae please.” Dad and I just laughed. I of course then went to go get ice cream. At that point we were willing to get her whatever she wanted. We did not need to be concerned about diabetes numbers, calories or health of anything. If she wanted to eat something, we were going to let her have it. That night it was a strawberry sundae.  

It was moments like these that I clung to in order to keep the joy. In fact, the next door neighbor added a lot of humor too. He was a feisty old man who didn’t want to be there. He would be yelling for the nurses and they would come and then he would get mad that they came into his room. He was also supposed to ask for help when getting up and as he would say, “I don’t need no damn nurse to help me up.” Whether he wanted the help or not the alarm would go off and you could hear him grumbling. I am sure he was a pain for the staff, but he was my entertainment.

Thursday morning, Mom awoke wanting to speak to Zonnie, who was taking over for Mom at the school, so she could thank Zonnie and give her last minute pointers. Unfortunately Zonnie had just taken off for a long vacation and wasn’t available. I did though get everything out of the house that was “school” related and took it to Mendota High School for Zonnie to have when she got home.

Later that afternoon Mom mentioned to Grandma that she missed having coffee and rolls after church. Grandma said she would bring coffee and rolls in the morning. Mom every Sunday would go to church and then have coffee and rolls with Grandma and Rita. However because Mom had been in the hospital for the last month, these moments had not happened. Mom was anxious to have the breakfast. She woke up at midnight, 2am, 4am and 5:00 asking if her Mom was there with the coffee yet. I had to explain that it was still too early. After being awoken yet again at 6:30am I was called Grandma, because I knew she would be up to ask if she was coming. I told her that her daughter was anxious to have coffee with her Mom. Grandma said she was on her way. That morning Mom and Grandma shared their last cup of coffee and sweet roll together. I watch the two of them and thought how difficult this must be for a Mother to lose her daughter. It was an endearing moment to watch these two share a moment of such simplicity and yet how bitter sweet for this to be how it would be in the end. After that Mom did not eat or drink much. Her body was starting to shut down. They had to put a catheter in her. We had to give her most of her drinks through a straw. We also had to start really making sure to shift her side to side so she did not get bed sores.

Interestingly enough that Mom and Grandma celebrated their tradition, Dad and I had started our own. Every morning he would arrive about 7am with chocolate milk and breakfast pizza. To this day when I am feeling sad and missing my family I will hit the convenience store for my chocolate milk and breakfast pizza.

That morning Rita agreed to go with me to pick out the casket and start putting the obituary and other pieces together. Dad said he couldn’t handle it, which understanding how emotional it was, I was glad it was Rita who went with me anyways. This was no easy task, but having Rita there was a huge blessing. I had never done anything like this and I couldn’t have imagined doing it by myself. Fortunately Mom had a lot of stuff done too, from when she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She had written things, just in case. We did realize that I did not know what songs or bible verses Mom wanted and when I asked, a few too many times, she expressed her displeasure in me asking so many times. So we figured those out on our own.

After sitting most of the day without any response from her, she woke up around 1pm and said she wanted to go to the high school. Grandma and I were taken back that not only did she wake up so abruptly but by her first request of doing something. We convinced her a trip to the high school, might be too much but at least we could go for a walk. The staff once again willing to help, utilized the lift to get her in the chair. I wrapped her up and took her outside. This time on our journey we sang some songs and I shared with her how much I loved her. I did not mention that I would miss her or wonder how life would work without her. I just wanted to make sure I told her about my love for her and the various moments I appreciated. I could have gone on for a year talking about all the times she helped and the moments I enjoyed. I could have also shared all the times I appreciated her hugs, words of wisdom or gentle reminders of her love.  I kept it simple though and it was just a few words of love and appreciation. She got tired quickly and we only made it half way around the hospital. As we came up to the window to her room, she saw Grandma and waved to her. Grandma put a smile on Mom’s face. I am sure the relationship between Grandma and Mom were similar to my relationship with Mom. The bond of love, family and friendship has always been evident.

In fact Friday night many of the family members came to see Mom. They were all taken back by how bad Mom seemed to be. As we sat there telling stories, Mom then spoke. At first it seemed to be a bunch of gibberish, but then some things were more comprehensive. She mentioned something about brothers and chicken coop. The boys then confessed to their moments of harassment on Mom inside the chicken coops. She then said, “Buettner. Yes.” Dad and I now at her side. We asked if she heard her dad calling. She said yes and she heard the angels singing. We told her it was ok for her to go home. Dad and I both expressed that we would miss her but we didn’t want to see her in pain and that she should go sing with the angels. I had looked over at Dad and asked if he now believed in Jesus. He said yes. Up until this point Dad had claimed that he wasn’t sure he could believe in all that Jesus stuff. I would bring it up every once in a while at the Peoria hospital, but he said he just couldn’t talk about it. This time though he knew Jesus was real and would take care of Mom.

As Dad and I continued to express our love for Mom, the family decided to leave. Dad went out with the family and I stayed with Mom. She and I sang Amazing Grace together. I thought for sure this was it. I thought Mom was going home. I sat by her side waiting for her to take her last breath. Dad went to go lay down on the futon. Mom then woke up and started counting from 56-61. She passed away at 61. Was she counting her years? She then started to sing the Mickey Mouse song. We told her it was ok to go to sleep and she did fall asleep. Dad slept that night at the hospital. I was at the hospital, but did not sleep much. If she passed away I did not want her lying there all night without us knowing. So I would keep watching her as she breathed to see if she had quit. I had finally just fallen asleep when the Pastor came in and woke me up. The first thing I said was, did she pass away. I then realized it was the Pastor who scared dad too. The Pastor was away all week at a conference and wanted to check in as soon as he got back. It was very much appreciated how much he cared and loved Mom. He just really scared, two very tired peopleJ.

Saturday, Mom said nothing. Her hair was really falling out from the radiation. I had to wet her lips with a sponge and force a sponge in her mouth to keep her from getting mouth sores. We had to keep turning her and doing the best to keep her comfortable. Family came to visit and the day just seemed to go by so slowly. That night Rita and my cousins Elissa and Sara came by to keep me company. We shared some great memories, and figured Mom was enjoying the company and the laughs, even if she couldn’t express it. I really appreciated the girl time and the humor. Rita decided to stay that night which was nice, but I again did not sleep much to watch Mom breathe. Plus I was afraid I would snore really loud and then Rita would not get any sleep.

I did eventually fall asleep and when I awoke, Mom was still breathing. Rita was still there and Dad had arrived with the chocolate milk and breakfast pizza. Another day had passed and Mom was still alive.