Year of Firsts - Part 2

The new year came with the hope for better things and a fresh start. I had a new job in Milwaukee with an apartment to provide some down time from the family in Manitowoc. With the new job came new challenges, new boss, new friends, new life. It was great at first as it took my mind off the loss and kept my brain busy with all of the newness. As I settled in though the reality that I was still grieving was just as real. In fact one morning I had a dream where Mom and I were walking and enjoying our time together. Without even notice or explanation Mom turned around and started walking in the other direction. I called out to her but she did not respond. She didn't even turnaround to acknowledge me. I kept calling to her and she just kept walking away. As I started crying in my dreams I awoke and was bawling. Dave was in a panic as to what was wrong. When I shared with him, he didn’t know how to respond but asked if I was ok and then walked away. He didn’t say it, but I am sure he thought I might be losing it. I think I was.

I knew I was not in a good place. During the year I also experienced for the first time a moment…a long moment of being mad at God. During the whole time with Mom, it was my faith that kept me strong. It was my reliance on God that I could face the next day. It was instant after Mom’s passing but it was gradual and subtle. My Bible study time started to become just reading words in a book, the praise songs were merely words to a harmony and my prayers were void. I finally had to admit that I was mad at God. Not that I had any reason to be as I could point to all the good. It was good that Mom passed so quickly so she did not have to force herself to work hard and possibly get more sick, or be miserable because she couldn’t work. She got the best of care while in the hospital and not had to rely on dad or I through hospice. It was also good that Mom passed before Dad because of financial reasons. Fortunately God has big shoulders and is patient. It was sometime in April that I had a long drive home and I had the long talk with God. I shared that I understood and appreciated that Mom did not have to suffer or spend a long time planning her death. Yet I was just sad and I missed her and just mad. I heard that small voice that said it was ok and that I was not alone and when I was ready God would be there. I knew being mad at God did no good. I know anger is just a part of the grief process, but the longer I hung on to the emotion the longer before healing. I cried out to God to help me overcome the sadness and the anger. I was still here and obviously still have work to do. I am still sad sometimes, but the anger has evaporated. I still feel weaker in my faith, but the words I read during my Bible study once again now speak to me, the songs I sing offer hope and my prayers bring me peace. I never thought such a simple thing like losing my Mom would throw me for such a loop. I am grateful though that God is full of grace and mercy. He met me where I was at, waited for my heart to heal and helped in the process. I still don’t feel as if I am always on solid footing, but for the first time in a long time I experienced that separation from God and pray that it will be the last. It was lonely and I was lost. But now I am found and can see, that for all things I still need and want God to be in the center of my life.

Another big holiday for our family much like Christmas is Easter. Just like Christmas, Easter was not the same without Mom’s laughter and presence and another first holiday we would need to overcome. I got Aunt Jeri flowers like Mom did every year. Aunt Jeri put me in charge of the deviled eggs which Mom was responsible for each year. Trying to keep some of the same things in place seemed important but did not make the time any easier. Although we got through Easter, Dad and I both agreed that it was difficult. We knew it was good for us to be there, but we could have just as easily stayed at home and ignored the world. One thing I was surprised by was for as long as a drive it is to the Easter celebration for the first time Dad and I were able to find things to talk about the whole way both ways. We were definitely getting used to this talking thing between us.

The next first to overcome which seemed to be very difficult was my birthday. I did not expect to struggle as much as I did on this day. I received a text message from the ladies that worked with my Mom wishing me a happy birthday and for whatever reason that was my trigger. It was very sweet of the ladies, but it was a reminder that there would be no happy birthday wish from my mom. I cried that morning. In fact I cried a lot. My poor boss stopped by in the morning to wish me a birthday and commented how I didn’t look good and asked if I was ok. I started to cry again. Embarrassed by this lack of control of my emotions, my boss was understanding and comforted me. She was great and then I pulled myself together and went back to work. I tried to ignore the world that day. I just wanted to get to the end. This day and many days amaze me how our brains our wired that can cause such extreme emotions in just moments.

The year had gone by and now there was just my parent’s anniversary, remembering the times in the hospital and the anniversary of Mom’s passing. I wasn’t sure how I would handle the anniversary of Mom’s death. I decided I would write the blog to help me process my emotions, maybe help others and to tell our story. So another first was writing this blog which has been helpful and therapeutic.

For the one year anniversary, I went home that weekend to be with Dad and had dinner with him, Grandma, Rita, Garry and Elissa. We had breakfast with Mike and Darla. It was nice to be with family. I am constantly thankful for my family and the blessing and support they have been through all of this. The actual anniversary date was also my wedding anniversary. So Dave and I celebrated and I kept myself busy with errands and projects. So the day itself was manageable and it has passed. The year of firsts are over.

Dad has done better than expected. I am sure still very difficult as he has had to learn his life without her. Together we have grieved and learned how to enjoy the life we now have apart from Mom. Dad is trying to find things to occupy his time, is learning how to cook for one and managing a whole house the best he can. I have the new job in Milwaukee and am going back to school for my Master’s in business.  

Although the year of firsts are over I don’t doubt there won’t be moments that I will start to call Mom to talk about life to only be reminded that she is not there.  I am sure I will have more moments like I did today when I overheard a song that Mom and I used to sing together on our way to church and wish she were there to sing-a-long. I also know I will have moments that what I do will only be because of what Mom taught me in values like sending a card or remembering people’s name.

It is hard to believe it has been a year. Unfortunately Mom is gone, but she is not forgotten. She was an amazing woman who has taught me so much. She provided so much joy and went out of her way to make a difference in her family and community. It is an honor to call her Mom. Although I wish I had many more years with her in my life, I am appreciative and blessed by all the years I did have her in my life. To this day I am a better person because of the love of my Mom and I will always love her. I can’t wait to see her again in heaven and spend eternity together.

Written in loving memory of Carolyn Pollard Nov. 8, 1951-Aug. 4, 2013

Year of Firsts - Part 1

So it has been over a year since my Mom has passed away. Everyone said the “year of firsts” is the worst. With this in mind I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best when those firsts were coming.

My first- first was after the death and the funeral it was time for me to head back to Manitowoc. It is a four hour drive. A long drive to allow for a lot of time of thinking. I knew if I thought too much I could drive myself crazy. So I turned on the radio and sang my heart out. I am a really good singer when I am by myself, or at least I tell myself that. As I reached Milwaukee though the songs were not strong enough to overcome the thoughts and the emotions building inside. In the past besides my husband, my Mom was the other person I would call when I was having a bad day. In fact I would usually call her first and then if she was not available call my husband. There is nothing more comforting and satisfying as having Mom listen to me, say she understands, provides advice and then tell me it will be ok and that she loves me. That is what I needed at this moment. I had just experienced one of the most traumatic events in my life and I wanted to tell Mom about the events. Sure she was there during the events, but she wasn’t there now to comfort me. Milwaukee to Manitowoc was much of a blur as I cried at the loss of my Mom and all the times from that moment on that I would need be able to receive her comfort in those crazy moments. Even as I write this the tears begin to fall recognizing how often I have wanted to reach out and talk to Mom. We used to talk two to three times a week. Sometimes for just a quick check in and others for hours as we shared about the challenges of the week. Fortunately for her the challenges are done, mine have continued and even more so because one of my main challenges is just not having her. Yet I seem to manage every time. I have had to turn to my faith more, my husband more and quite often just keep it to myself more.

The next first was receiving a call on my cell-phone that said “Mom.” When I saw that for a slight moment I got that emotion of excitement when I knew Mom was calling, until I realized this time it would not be her. It was Dad calling to check in on me. It was nice that he did, but it forced me to face the fact that Mom was gone. No more would the calls from home be from Mom. I was with Dave when this happened and he provided the comfort I needed as I erased the name mom from my phone and replaced it with home. I do have to say since Mom’s passing Dad and I have definitely gotten closer. My Dad is not always that talkative. In fact many times when I would call home and he would answer we would talk about the weather and what was for dinner. As soon as we got the two surface questions out of the way he would say, “do you want to talk to mom?” Sometimes I would let him know that I wouldn’t mind talking to him, but he would still just hand the phone to Mom. Dad and I have had to learn to talk to each other beyond the weather and dinner. We have had our moments where we have not seen eye to eye or moments of misunderstandings. However for the most part it has been nice to get to know and talk to my Dad more than we have talked in all my years.

We had Mom’s birthday to overcome. It was nice as the whole family came together for dinner to celebrate the life of Mom and the legacy she had left behind. Speaking of legacy….Mendota High School where Mom had worked purchased and dedicated a plaque in Mom’s honor. All of the staff were welcomed to donate and attend the ceremony. It is a beautiful plaque that hangs just outside the cafeteria doors. The plaque includes her picture and reads, “a dear friend, dedicated co-worker and true Trojan Hero.” The high school volleyball team even raised money in memory of Mom to be donated to the American Cancer Society.

Mom was a big supporter of the American Cancer Society and the Relay for Life. This year she was only part of the team in Spirit. I did join the team this year and am still upset that I have never participated with Mom, Aunt Rita and the others in the past. This year though the team hosted a 5k. The race went past my parent’s house and some of our team decorated the yard in her memory. One runner even put Mom’s name on her number bib, so Mom could run the race with her. Aunt Wanda made a beautiful quilt to auction off and donate the money to Relay for Life. On the quilt is a label with the words, “in memory of Carolyn Pollard.” Although many still thinks it wasn’t legit, but I am sure it was fate, my Aunt Jeri won the quilt and donated it back to me which now rests on Mom’s quilt rack in my living room. Our Relay for Life shirts displayed Mom’s initials on the sleeve. Plus the event was moved from outside to inside Mendota High School. Because of the weather and the move to the high school, I was able to give my talk on being a caretaker in the very cafeteria that Mom had helped design and worked in for many years. I was able to walk the very halls and the gym that she walked many days. Relay for Life is always fun outside, but this year it was nice to be in the place that her spirit resonated with so many everywhere we would go in the building.

Other firsts in 2013 was Dad’s birthday. Thanksgiving was another, but wasn’t as difficult for me since I barely ever went home for Thanksgiving. I fed an army so to distract me from the emotional turmoil. Christmas though…was another holiday. Christmas is a big thing in my family. We all get together, have dinner, go to church and come home to open presents. We have a big family but I could always here Mom’s laugh among the voices. This hear the room seemed silent as the laugh was not there…Mom was not there. I usually say grace before the meal and I was prepared to keep it short. However Elissa read this beautiful poem of lost ones at Christmas time. As she read I kept telling myself to not listen, don’t cry. I repeated that to myself probably twenty times, but it did no good. I could only get a few words out for the prayer and could not compose myself. Rita took over. As soon as we were done with prayer, Dad and I headed to the other room and cried. The only gift I wanted that year and the only gift I will never receive until I pass is to just see my Mom, get her big hugs and be able to sit by her side as we talk until we are too tired to talk. Another first though that Christmas, Dad went to church. That had not happened for quite some time. I enjoyed having him there. I know Mom was smiling and I hope it becomes a new tradition.

One more first in 2013 that I can’t forget to mention was what happened that first weekend home after the funeral. The first night I got home after the funeral I was so excited to be in my own bed with the ability to sleep and not open my eyes until my body was rested. However that next morning at 4:30 am I heard a rooster do its cock-a-dooling. Then I heard another and it went on. I remember not opening my eyes, but simply saying, “really?” I thought for sure they would end soon. Yet it kept going on. So I finally opened my eyes and noticed it was 5:10am. I thought maybe the roosters just wanted out of their cage, so I threw the covers off, put on my slippers and went to go open the cage. I came back to bed and hoped for the best. Yet instead of them quitting they just got louder as they walked over by our bedroom window to make their presence known. I decided to get up. Before Mom got sick the roosters were still just babies and were not vocal at all. So I was not prepared at all for the loud commotion in the morning. The second morning was no different and the roosters would not shut up. As I laid in bed frustrated by the inability to sleep in, I exclaimed the roosters would have to die. This was on Friday. Saturday, with Dave’s desire to please his wife. Gathered the roosters. As I looked out the window and saw he had a rooster in his hand, for a brief moment I felt sorry for the fate that awaited the rooster. But then I heard that loud noise in the morning in my head and my moment of sorrow passed. So this was the first time I experienced a real-life killing of a chicken, making fresh chicken stew, and lacking the care for eliminating an animal’s life. I still care for all the other animals, the roosters had to go though. 

The visitation..funeral

The day of Mom’s visitation was a lot of errands and getting last minute details together for the funeral. A few nights before Dad and I went through the pictures to create photo boards. What I realized was Mom was great at taking pictures with all the family, but she avoided to be in any of them. She also liked to get doubles of everything. As I looked at the duplicates of all the photos, I was reminded of the time when my family went to South Dakota. Dad was getting tired of us making him travel to all the waterfalls. When asked to go see yet another waterfall, he commented, “You’ve seen one waterfall you’ve seen them all.” He made the same comment about the buffalos. So as I looked at all the scenery photos from that trip and then realized I was looking at the doubles of those scenery, all I could think was I seen one scenery photo, I have seen them all. I knew if Mom was there we would have just laughed about that time and so many of our other trips together.  

Among the pictures I also found a beautiful picture of Mom, which I later found out was for the church directory taken only a few years earlier. It was gorgeous and I was somewhat miffed that Mom had never shown me the picture. So I was able to find enough pictures for a few photo boards, that Elissa was willing to put together.

Dad also tried to help. He wanted to get the headstone picked out right away. He had brought poem after poem to be added to the tombstone. It was explained to him that space was limited. Not convinced, Dad and I had stopped at the monument to start to determine options. This helped Dad understand more of what was needed on the tombstone. However then Dad shifted to the casket. He kept bringing up things after things to put in the casket. I had mentioned this to Rita and Grandma and they both started laughing with the thoughts that we may have to get extra pallbearers to carry the casket. Dad then brought out a crock that we thought he was asking to put in the casket. For at least this item it was just to put out on a table as decoration, because painted on it was the front view of Mom’s restaurant she had owned. Grandma, Rita and I were all relieved as we weren’t sure how we would have told him “no.” Hindsight we should have put a lot of stuff in the casket since now Dad won’t let me get rid of anything.

At the visitation a lot of people came. It was non-stop of people. Fortunately I stood next to Grandma who was able to introduce me to people or remind me who they were. For the most part I kept my composure. The only times I would lose it is when someone would mention how much Mom loved me or was proud of me. That was so important because in the end that is all I wanted to know is that she loved me and that she was proud of me. Her approval was all I cared about.

That night Dave arrived but was completely sick. On Wednesday getting ready for the funeral Dave decided he just couldn’t go as he was so sick. I was disappointed and I don’t think Dad completely understood, but I was more concerned of just getting through the funeral.

The funeral was nice. Pastor Sam did a great job and it was obvious that he was just as much impacted by the loss as the rest of us. Pastor Sam did ask for comments from those in the audience. People said nice things. I then felt led to speak. As soon as I started to speak I got chocked up, but I pulled myself together and was able to speak all my thoughts. I think the hardest part of the funeral was when we sang Amazing Grace since Mom and I had sang that so often. I tried to keep my composure though as I just needed to remain strong for Dad.

After the funeral Dad and I took one last look at Mom and said our good-byes. It was still almost surreal that we were burying Mom. How did we get to this point? I was supposed to have about another year with her. I was not in control though and so I had to just accept the situation. Dad and I traveled to the cemetery. Pastor Sam said some great words and led us in singing Jesus Loves Me. Another song Mom and I would sing a lot. It was time to leave to go back to the church. As I got into the car it hit me that I was leaving Mom. I had spent almost the last six weeks by Mom’s side and now I am leaving her behind for good. No more talks, no more walks, no more singing, no more hugs, no more anything. I lost it. I just started bawling. All the tears and emotions I had held inside for those six weeks came out in this one moment. I wasn’t ready to leave and I wasn’t ready to let go.  Dad comforted me during this time. I knew he felt the same way. Trying to help each other during this time we drove away to have lunch with all the friends and family. It was a nice time, but I was ready to go rest at my parent’s house. Dad and I spent some time talking about the day. I knew I would need to get back home, but was concerned to leave Dad alone. I think Dad was afraid to be alone. That night I spent a lot of time thinking how will I make this work to be there for my job and family, but be there to support my Dad. I realized how quickly my time worrying about Mom shifted to worrying about Dad. I was exhausted and finally fell asleep.  

The day after

The day after Mom’s passing was filled with getting things checked off on the “to do list.” Rita was humored by my many to do lists. However those lists were critical to keep me on task and focused on the work and not my emotions.  Looking back on this time I realized I was very good and still am at filling my days with work to keep me from addressing my feelings. Knowing Dad was very emotional I sent him with Uncle Mike to go get a suit.

I along with Rita worked on submitting the obituary, finalizing funeral details, and picking out Mom’s outfit. We then met up with Grandma and Elissa to choose the flowers. With the help with the flower shop we decided to add some cooking utensils, like a rolling pin, whisk and a cookbook opened to one of Mom’s recipes.

After the work was done Rita, Elissa and I took a break and went to go get a pedicure. I felt bad for the gentleman who had me, because he kept asking me to lift my leg or put it in the water. My thoughts were everywhere but there and so he had to keep repeating everything. It was nice to get treated though. While getting my nails done I was reminded how Mom would say for as much as the hospital bills would be she should at least have received a pedicure. Mom did not get her pedicure while in the house, but Jeanne who did Mom’s makeover gave her a manicure. It was such a simple thing, but not necessary. It put a smile on my face and I am sure even on Mom’s.

I am sure what else put a smile on Mom’s face is what I came home to. I had asked Dad how his shopping went. He began to laugh and I could only imagine what that was about. Dad then explained that when he got home Mike and him realized that his jacket with blue and his pants were black. All I could do was laugh and knew Mom was laughing right along with me.

I then got a call from the funeral home needing a different shirt to hide the marks from all the tubes and possibly a hat or scarf to cover her head as she had lost too much hair. Rita again came to the rescue to help me pick out a different shirt. Going through Mom’s closet it was evident of her efforts as she had plenty of Mendota High School and Relay for Life t-shirts. The Mendota High School polo won out.

As the evening came I realized that Dad had his outfit, but I had nothing. I did not pack anything for a funeral, that wasn’t even a thought when I was packing. So I decided to take some time for myself to go get an outfit. When I arrived in the store, the lady asked me if I needed help finding anything. I don’t normally ask for help, but at this moment I realized I just needed some support. I started to get teary eyed as I explained I needed help to pick out an outfit for my Mom’s funeral. The clerk was very compassionate and gladly helped me. I felt fat and ugly as I just sat in a hospital room for six weeks. So every outfit looked awful. As I stood in the dressing room I just started to cry. This is a moment Mom should be with me. She would encourage me that the outfits are ok and I am ok. She would have suggested outfits. Then when I would come out to show her she would have poked, pulled and shifted the clothes to tell me what she honestly thought. She was not there though and I simply had the sales clerk who although was nice, was not Mom. I finally found the outfits and headed home. As I drove, I was not ready to go home and sit in a quiet home with Dad.

I decided to call Jeanne who graciously allowed me to come out to her home. She comforted me and allowed me to share my heart. She recognized how well I held it together. I tried to do this the best I could so I could be the strength my Dad needed. It was nice to just share with Jeanne though. Renewed I headed home and enjoyed another night in a real bed. 

The final day

When I awoke on Sunday morning August 4, 2013, Mom was still alive. August 4 is my wedding anniversary. I remember earlier that week I said I hope Mom doesn’t die on my anniversary. Yet that morning seeing her struggle, I told her it would be ok for her to pass on my anniversary.

Mom was struggling. It was evident that she was not comfortable and breathing was more difficult. Although she was not responding, we decided to start administering pain medication to ease any pain she may be experiencing. I was constantly soaking her lips to prevent sores. Constantly brushing the hair off the pillow and her clothes. I was constantly watching her breathing to see if she still had breath.

After church a few members came to check in on Mom. I am sure they were taken back by her condition. Jeanne Rapp came and played a song for Mom that expressed that she did her best, worked her hardest and now the work was done. I tried not to cry as it was time to be the hostess for all of these people. Appreciative from the break of just sitting there, it was also tiresome to put on a face of contentment when deep inside I was weary and despaired.

Then the Pastor came in with a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal to lay by Mom’s side. He had heard how one of the last things she spoke was the singing of the Mickey Mouse song. Pastor then prayed with Dad and I which again was a big deal for my dad to remain and pray. The Pastor also provided communion for us, because Mom had asked for that while in Peoria hospital. Again Dad partook in this as well. Although it was hard to let go of Mom, it was great to see how Dad was receiving this new sense of hope and peace in Jesus Christ. My Dad accepted the Lord and that provided some peace and comfort to what otherwise would be a miserable time of my life.

After a constant flow of church members, there remained just family. The hospital staff was extremely great during this time as the last few days they brought in refreshments to provide to family and visitors. They understood that it really was just a sit and wait for that dreadful moment. By dinner the family persuaded Dad and I to go get dinner. Neither one of us wanted to leave…just in case. After much convincing we headed to the usual Cindy’s diner. I love my Dad but our conversations were getting harder. Mainly because we didn’t have much to talk about. We had spent the last six weeks together in a hospital room focused on Mom. I didn’t have work or family to talk about or heck even the weather. Our attention had been on the care for Mom. So after six weeks of that and then adding the emotions of despair, defeat and distraught, what else was there to say. Plus neither of us were really hungry. We had been sitting for so long and we were too tired and anxious to eat. So we ate a few bites and tried to make conversation, but it was just getting to be too much.

We got back to the hospital and I met up with Grandma who shared that she knew of others with similar situations. She said I should prepare myself as this could go on for a few weeks. I thought to myself, Lord please no. It was hard to watch Mom struggle for breath. Plus I expressed to the family that I didn’t know how much more I could handle especially the dinners with Dad. We just didn’t have anything else to say to each other. The family was gracious and showed support. We then sat there for about 20 minutes and I realized I needed to go to get a drink of water. As I stood up I looked at Mom to see how she was doing and as I looked, I saw her breathing wasn’t right. With three hard breaths, she took her last one. I said something like, I think Mom just passed. The family all got up and confirmed that she was no longer breathing. We went to go get the nurse and she came to confirm and pronounce her time of death. 6:42 pm. The last time Mom would breathe a breath here on earth.

Dad just cried and the family held us and comforted us. The nurse was gracious and gave us all of the time we needed to say our good-byes. The family stayed with us for a little while and then shared that they would see us in the morning to finalize funeral plans. Dad and I stayed behind. As we stood by Mom’s bed, Dad asked me to say a prayer. It was the first time I could remember Dad, Mom and I praying as a family. Even though Mom was gone, I knew she was there in Spirit and I appreciated the moment to allow God to be the center of this very difficult time. Dad then expressed that just seconds before Mom’s passing, he had held the trinket the Pastor left behind and asked Jesus to take her so she would no longer suffer. I assured him, that Jesus had answered and during the good and bad Jesus would help him time and time again if he will just ask for the help.

We then packed up all of Mom’s cards, flowers and other items as we emptied the room to leave behind the woman we had hoped to bring home. I remained comforted that the home she went to was much more peaceful, with no more sorrow and no more pain. She had lived a good life, and made an amazing difference wherever she went. For all her years she had given so much of herself and took care of so many. God had seen her work and decided she had given enough. Her work here on earth was done and it was time for her to rest.

Dad and I kissed her one last time and said good-bye. It was a quiet walk to our cars and even more quiet at the house. Exhausted and with nothing left to say, Dad and I hugged one last time, gave each other a kiss and then retreated to our beds. This time I only had a clock to stare at. Mom was not in the room for me to watch her breathing. I had no family to talk to and no friends to entertain. I simply just had my thoughts, my tears, and my faith. I processed through it all and then closed my eyes. The day was over, my Mom was gone and I was done.

The week of memories and business

After learning that Mom’s time here would be limited the week was spent putting affairs in order and enjoying the few moments we had left.

Wednesday morning Mom woke me up saying, “I figured it out.” At first I was trying to understand what she was figuring out. She continued by saying, “It is the red dye from the M&Ms. That is how the government is getting us.” I then just laughed to myself as I realized she was half dreaming. I thought yes if the answers to all of our problems was as simple as the M&M’s red dye. After her brief words of wisdom, she went back to bed and so did I.

Wednesday afternoon Mom did get into the wheel chair and I took her for a short trip outside to enjoy the sunshine and the flowers. We went for a long walk around the whole hospital. It was really nice just to spend some quality time outside with Mom. She talked about school, the flowers, and even the weeds at the hospital. Again another moment looking back that I wish I would had asked her more questions. Yet it just seemed to be when we would enjoy our moments, of a somewhat normal life, I just didn’t want to talk about death or life without her.

For the business side, I met with hospice to see if that was the direction to take. Dad and I had to go make sure bank accounts, wills, and other important paper work was all in order. After meeting with hospice and even talking about potential nursing homes, the hospital was nice enough to let us stay there. Many of the staff knew Mom and was willing to help anyway they could. They also recognized that it would be just a few days and it was not worth all the paperwork and turmoil for transition. This really was a God blessing, because I have no idea how we would have done hospice or even the nursing home. Mendota Hospital and its staff really shined during this week.

Wednesday night Mom had gotten very quiet. She seemed to be sleeping, but Dad and I sensed that she was still awake. So I had mentioned that Mom was probably just fake sleeping and was hearing everything we were saying. Dad laughed. I then said I bet if we mentioned that we were going to get ice cream she would tell us what she wanted. She perked up and said, “Yes strawberry sundae please.” Dad and I just laughed. I of course then went to go get ice cream. At that point we were willing to get her whatever she wanted. We did not need to be concerned about diabetes numbers, calories or health of anything. If she wanted to eat something, we were going to let her have it. That night it was a strawberry sundae.  

It was moments like these that I clung to in order to keep the joy. In fact, the next door neighbor added a lot of humor too. He was a feisty old man who didn’t want to be there. He would be yelling for the nurses and they would come and then he would get mad that they came into his room. He was also supposed to ask for help when getting up and as he would say, “I don’t need no damn nurse to help me up.” Whether he wanted the help or not the alarm would go off and you could hear him grumbling. I am sure he was a pain for the staff, but he was my entertainment.

Thursday morning, Mom awoke wanting to speak to Zonnie, who was taking over for Mom at the school, so she could thank Zonnie and give her last minute pointers. Unfortunately Zonnie had just taken off for a long vacation and wasn’t available. I did though get everything out of the house that was “school” related and took it to Mendota High School for Zonnie to have when she got home.

Later that afternoon Mom mentioned to Grandma that she missed having coffee and rolls after church. Grandma said she would bring coffee and rolls in the morning. Mom every Sunday would go to church and then have coffee and rolls with Grandma and Rita. However because Mom had been in the hospital for the last month, these moments had not happened. Mom was anxious to have the breakfast. She woke up at midnight, 2am, 4am and 5:00 asking if her Mom was there with the coffee yet. I had to explain that it was still too early. After being awoken yet again at 6:30am I was called Grandma, because I knew she would be up to ask if she was coming. I told her that her daughter was anxious to have coffee with her Mom. Grandma said she was on her way. That morning Mom and Grandma shared their last cup of coffee and sweet roll together. I watch the two of them and thought how difficult this must be for a Mother to lose her daughter. It was an endearing moment to watch these two share a moment of such simplicity and yet how bitter sweet for this to be how it would be in the end. After that Mom did not eat or drink much. Her body was starting to shut down. They had to put a catheter in her. We had to give her most of her drinks through a straw. We also had to start really making sure to shift her side to side so she did not get bed sores.

Interestingly enough that Mom and Grandma celebrated their tradition, Dad and I had started our own. Every morning he would arrive about 7am with chocolate milk and breakfast pizza. To this day when I am feeling sad and missing my family I will hit the convenience store for my chocolate milk and breakfast pizza.

That morning Rita agreed to go with me to pick out the casket and start putting the obituary and other pieces together. Dad said he couldn’t handle it, which understanding how emotional it was, I was glad it was Rita who went with me anyways. This was no easy task, but having Rita there was a huge blessing. I had never done anything like this and I couldn’t have imagined doing it by myself. Fortunately Mom had a lot of stuff done too, from when she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She had written things, just in case. We did realize that I did not know what songs or bible verses Mom wanted and when I asked, a few too many times, she expressed her displeasure in me asking so many times. So we figured those out on our own.

After sitting most of the day without any response from her, she woke up around 1pm and said she wanted to go to the high school. Grandma and I were taken back that not only did she wake up so abruptly but by her first request of doing something. We convinced her a trip to the high school, might be too much but at least we could go for a walk. The staff once again willing to help, utilized the lift to get her in the chair. I wrapped her up and took her outside. This time on our journey we sang some songs and I shared with her how much I loved her. I did not mention that I would miss her or wonder how life would work without her. I just wanted to make sure I told her about my love for her and the various moments I appreciated. I could have gone on for a year talking about all the times she helped and the moments I enjoyed. I could have also shared all the times I appreciated her hugs, words of wisdom or gentle reminders of her love.  I kept it simple though and it was just a few words of love and appreciation. She got tired quickly and we only made it half way around the hospital. As we came up to the window to her room, she saw Grandma and waved to her. Grandma put a smile on Mom’s face. I am sure the relationship between Grandma and Mom were similar to my relationship with Mom. The bond of love, family and friendship has always been evident.

In fact Friday night many of the family members came to see Mom. They were all taken back by how bad Mom seemed to be. As we sat there telling stories, Mom then spoke. At first it seemed to be a bunch of gibberish, but then some things were more comprehensive. She mentioned something about brothers and chicken coop. The boys then confessed to their moments of harassment on Mom inside the chicken coops. She then said, “Buettner. Yes.” Dad and I now at her side. We asked if she heard her dad calling. She said yes and she heard the angels singing. We told her it was ok for her to go home. Dad and I both expressed that we would miss her but we didn’t want to see her in pain and that she should go sing with the angels. I had looked over at Dad and asked if he now believed in Jesus. He said yes. Up until this point Dad had claimed that he wasn’t sure he could believe in all that Jesus stuff. I would bring it up every once in a while at the Peoria hospital, but he said he just couldn’t talk about it. This time though he knew Jesus was real and would take care of Mom.

As Dad and I continued to express our love for Mom, the family decided to leave. Dad went out with the family and I stayed with Mom. She and I sang Amazing Grace together. I thought for sure this was it. I thought Mom was going home. I sat by her side waiting for her to take her last breath. Dad went to go lay down on the futon. Mom then woke up and started counting from 56-61. She passed away at 61. Was she counting her years? She then started to sing the Mickey Mouse song. We told her it was ok to go to sleep and she did fall asleep. Dad slept that night at the hospital. I was at the hospital, but did not sleep much. If she passed away I did not want her lying there all night without us knowing. So I would keep watching her as she breathed to see if she had quit. I had finally just fallen asleep when the Pastor came in and woke me up. The first thing I said was, did she pass away. I then realized it was the Pastor who scared dad too. The Pastor was away all week at a conference and wanted to check in as soon as he got back. It was very much appreciated how much he cared and loved Mom. He just really scared, two very tired peopleJ.

Saturday, Mom said nothing. Her hair was really falling out from the radiation. I had to wet her lips with a sponge and force a sponge in her mouth to keep her from getting mouth sores. We had to keep turning her and doing the best to keep her comfortable. Family came to visit and the day just seemed to go by so slowly. That night Rita and my cousins Elissa and Sara came by to keep me company. We shared some great memories, and figured Mom was enjoying the company and the laughs, even if she couldn’t express it. I really appreciated the girl time and the humor. Rita decided to stay that night which was nice, but I again did not sleep much to watch Mom breathe. Plus I was afraid I would snore really loud and then Rita would not get any sleep.

I did eventually fall asleep and when I awoke, Mom was still breathing. Rita was still there and Dad had arrived with the chocolate milk and breakfast pizza. Another day had passed and Mom was still alive.

The day of defeat

When the doctor told us that the cancer was too invasive, I remember just feeling overwhelmingly defeated. We had been on such a journey of ups and downs and I thought we were back on the upside. This news was totally devastating.

Mom was not completely comprehending everything. What we said to her is that she did not have to fight anymore. While in Peoria, she would mention how she was ready to die. We would explain to her that it was just an infection. We encouraged her to keep fighting because once the infection was cleared she would feel much better. Dad would ask her to hang on so we could get her home to enjoy her garden. She complied, but maybe she already knew. Now Dad and I knew too. Plus I would have to let everyone else know too.

After the Doctor shared the news we were then asked to think about signing the Do Not Resuscitate form and think about taking Mom home and bringing in hospice. It was a whirlwind of information, decisions and emotions. Dad and I decided to include others in these decisions. We called Rita to come and we knew Grandma was on her way. Rita and Grandma had really been a big part of the journey and had been there for all the pivotal moments and decisions in the past and Dad and I wanted to ensure they agreed with these final choices. While we waited for family, Dad being distraught went outside. I stayed with Mom but unable to hold back my emotions. I started to cry. Mom said quit crying and you need to get back to work. Typical Mom. Forget the pity party and get back to work. So I explained to her again that unfortunately she was not doing well and so I was just going to stay with her. I then said I had to go to the bathroom and went to the chapel to continue my cry and pull myself together.

I was desperate to tell especially Rita and Grandma. They had been there through it all. Not only were they supportive and encouraging to Mom, they had been my support. I needed their support more than ever. My whole life when things were difficult and I had big decisions to make I had always turned to my Mom. Although I had my Dad, I really wanted and needed my Mom to do what she does best…give me a hug and tell me everything will be ok. Since she could not do that I really appreciated to have other amazing, loving women in my life who could give me that motherly hug I yearned.

Rita had made it to the hospital. I was going to wait until Grandma got there so I could tell both of them at the same time. Yet I couldn’t keep it inside so I told Rita. Then I saw Grandma walking to the hospital front door. I decided I would meet her in the lobby to tell her, so she could compose herself before seeing Mom. I met Grandma and asked if we could sit in the lobby. We sat down and one of Grandma’s previous neighbors came over to talk about her garden and gossip about another neighbor. As I listened to this lady go on, inside I was screaming. I was thinking, really this is your issue? My Mom is dying and I have to tell her Mom that she will need to say good-bye to her daughter. Yet then I heard Mom in my head, saying focus on the woman and take time for others. I did the best I could.

The lady then left and I had to tell Grandma. That look, that demeanor, that face of defeat was familiar as it was exactly all I had gone through just a few hours earlier. Grandma kept saying, oh no and the tears began to form. I held her hands and then we hugged. That hug that we both needed to help each other during such a difficult moment. It was as if time stopped and we were the only ones in the room. Then as we started to compose ourselves I looked up and realized that life did not stop. Something I have had to learn that although I wish the world would stop or that everyone would comfort me since I was losing my Mom, I realized the world did not stop and other people had their own lives and their own problems.

I took Grandma to the room and she was such a trooper as she said hi to her daughter and asked how she was doing. Dad and I then asked Grandma and Rita if they agreed with our decision to end all treatment and sign the Do Not Resuscitate. They did agree.

In those few short hours my focus still on caregiving for Mom, but also now was about taking care of Dad and business. I had to call my job to share that I would not be back to work for a while. I called my husband to tell him what was going on and to start planning to come home for a funeral. I had to call each of the family members as this was not something to text. I also had to call Mom’s boss to let him know that she would not be coming back to work. Each call was difficult. As I spoke the words it was hard to say and difficult to admit that the end was near.

Some of her friends had started to come to see Mom. We had told the church and school on Monday that people could start coming over the next few weeks thinking she had plenty of time for visitors. Unfortunately one of her friends had come early that morning and I sent them away as I just couldn’t face the public and speaking the words of her new diagnosis.

Then that dreaded time came where the nurse came to get Dad and I to sign the Do Not Resuscitate form. The nurse explained the details to us and left us as we signed the form. Dad and I knew it was the right thing to do. Signing the form though seemed so final. It was the signature that admitted defeat. It was a signature that although we were not, felt as if we were giving up. We knew we were not. We knew it is what Mom would have wanted. It is what we all agreed upon. It was what we needed to do. Dad signed the form and then he went outside for some more time to himself.

I stayed that night with my Mom. She asked me to lay with her. I really couldn’t since she was in the bed all propped up, but I put my head on her chest and lay as much as I could by her. I sang Amazing Grace. When she fell asleep I laid on the futon. I would have enjoyed sleeping in the bed with her and talking about the journey we had and plans for the future like we used to do. But what we used to do would be no more. Our nights together would be limited as well as our conversations. This night was the first night to many of learning how I would do life without my Mom and without my Best Friend.