We're Back.

I was only at work for a day and by the second morning, I received a call from Dad….Mom is not doing well. Her glucose numbers were way off and she was even more disoriented than he had ever seen. Being so far away was so frustrating. I suggested to see if things got better as the mornings are rough as she wakes up and gets something in her stomach.

In the afternoon I got the second call. Dad is taking Mom back to the emergency room. Then I got the next call. The hospital is rushing her back to Peoria. I decided to wait until the morning to head back to Peoria. That evening I tried to get as much work done as possible. Then I went out to dinner with my husband since that had been only the third night I had been home.

That night I cried as Dave asked me if I am ready to let my Mom go as this may be her time. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to admit it. Yet hindsight it was good to have that discussion to prepare my heart for what I was about to face.

As I drove back to the hospital on Thursday I had plenty of time to think, process and pray. I picked up Grandma along the way. Fortunately Aunt Rita was able to go down the night before to help my Dad. When we got there, Mom was not good. She kept saying she was tired. We tried to comfort her, but it was like talking to a young child who could not understand but just knew she did not feel good. This time the doctor did not provide promising news, but did admit that it was not clear what was all going on, so more tests were needed. Mom got to lay down as we waited for the tests. I sat with her as we waited in the hallway. Nothing was waking Mom up and I prepared for another few days of limited sleep. I tried to stay hopeful but how frustrating to feel like we were back to square one. As Mom was getting the test done, news came from Mendota hospital. A viral infection was detected in the blood tests taken before Mom was rushed to Peoria.

Good news as we know what is wrong. Bad news was there was no indication of the source of the infection and so determining the correct treatment was still unknown. Mom seemed worse than before. She struggled with walking, eating, drinking and even understanding anything that was being said. Everything was now a challenge for her. Dad and I became her voice and reason.

What awaited us next is the Patient Care Coordinator. Taking us to a separate room, she mentioned the “do not resuscitate.” Trying to remain calm and polite I wanted to listen, but inside screaming that this was not an option. My Dad showing less constraint did tell her that she was out of line and that was not even an option to be discussed. He stormed off. I remained and listened only to be curious. Yet I kept thinking, you don’t know my mom. She is a fighter. She has more to offer this world. There is more I want to do with her. This is not the end.

I thanked her for her time. I apologized for my Dad but explained how difficult and sudden this has been. She understood. When I found Dad he was upset. Understanding, we hugged and cried. How did we get here? Just last week was almost surreal, but we were home with hope for more years to come. Now we are back at the hospital with things appearing almost worse than before. Thinking of signing a do not resuscitate was just too much for both of us. All I could do was comfort my Dad as I saw the despair on his face. As we embraced I recognized how much we have had to start leaning on each other. I have always loved my Dad, but he is not much into talking or sharing especially on such deep matters. When it came to conversations of substance it was always Mom and I. So even this was foreign to us both.

That night we were both faced with the truth that not everything was fine. Life was taking us on a new path which neither of us really liked.  Trying to find the good, a lesson learned from Mom, I was grateful for the rollaway bed I got to sleep in versus those uncomfortable hospital chairs. Other than that I could not see the good in this. What I really wanted to do is scream to get everyone to stop what they were doing and put all focus on healing my Mom. I wanted to cry and have Mom do what she does best by giving me a hug and telling me it will all be ok. Those were not options. So I faked the smiles, worked to be patient and tried to stay strong.

What was most frustrating is the fact that we were back to the hospital. We were back to the unknown. We were back to square one. Not the place we had hoped we would be.