The final day

When I awoke on Sunday morning August 4, 2013, Mom was still alive. August 4 is my wedding anniversary. I remember earlier that week I said I hope Mom doesn’t die on my anniversary. Yet that morning seeing her struggle, I told her it would be ok for her to pass on my anniversary.

Mom was struggling. It was evident that she was not comfortable and breathing was more difficult. Although she was not responding, we decided to start administering pain medication to ease any pain she may be experiencing. I was constantly soaking her lips to prevent sores. Constantly brushing the hair off the pillow and her clothes. I was constantly watching her breathing to see if she still had breath.

After church a few members came to check in on Mom. I am sure they were taken back by her condition. Jeanne Rapp came and played a song for Mom that expressed that she did her best, worked her hardest and now the work was done. I tried not to cry as it was time to be the hostess for all of these people. Appreciative from the break of just sitting there, it was also tiresome to put on a face of contentment when deep inside I was weary and despaired.

Then the Pastor came in with a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal to lay by Mom’s side. He had heard how one of the last things she spoke was the singing of the Mickey Mouse song. Pastor then prayed with Dad and I which again was a big deal for my dad to remain and pray. The Pastor also provided communion for us, because Mom had asked for that while in Peoria hospital. Again Dad partook in this as well. Although it was hard to let go of Mom, it was great to see how Dad was receiving this new sense of hope and peace in Jesus Christ. My Dad accepted the Lord and that provided some peace and comfort to what otherwise would be a miserable time of my life.

After a constant flow of church members, there remained just family. The hospital staff was extremely great during this time as the last few days they brought in refreshments to provide to family and visitors. They understood that it really was just a sit and wait for that dreadful moment. By dinner the family persuaded Dad and I to go get dinner. Neither one of us wanted to leave…just in case. After much convincing we headed to the usual Cindy’s diner. I love my Dad but our conversations were getting harder. Mainly because we didn’t have much to talk about. We had spent the last six weeks together in a hospital room focused on Mom. I didn’t have work or family to talk about or heck even the weather. Our attention had been on the care for Mom. So after six weeks of that and then adding the emotions of despair, defeat and distraught, what else was there to say. Plus neither of us were really hungry. We had been sitting for so long and we were too tired and anxious to eat. So we ate a few bites and tried to make conversation, but it was just getting to be too much.

We got back to the hospital and I met up with Grandma who shared that she knew of others with similar situations. She said I should prepare myself as this could go on for a few weeks. I thought to myself, Lord please no. It was hard to watch Mom struggle for breath. Plus I expressed to the family that I didn’t know how much more I could handle especially the dinners with Dad. We just didn’t have anything else to say to each other. The family was gracious and showed support. We then sat there for about 20 minutes and I realized I needed to go to get a drink of water. As I stood up I looked at Mom to see how she was doing and as I looked, I saw her breathing wasn’t right. With three hard breaths, she took her last one. I said something like, I think Mom just passed. The family all got up and confirmed that she was no longer breathing. We went to go get the nurse and she came to confirm and pronounce her time of death. 6:42 pm. The last time Mom would breathe a breath here on earth.

Dad just cried and the family held us and comforted us. The nurse was gracious and gave us all of the time we needed to say our good-byes. The family stayed with us for a little while and then shared that they would see us in the morning to finalize funeral plans. Dad and I stayed behind. As we stood by Mom’s bed, Dad asked me to say a prayer. It was the first time I could remember Dad, Mom and I praying as a family. Even though Mom was gone, I knew she was there in Spirit and I appreciated the moment to allow God to be the center of this very difficult time. Dad then expressed that just seconds before Mom’s passing, he had held the trinket the Pastor left behind and asked Jesus to take her so she would no longer suffer. I assured him, that Jesus had answered and during the good and bad Jesus would help him time and time again if he will just ask for the help.

We then packed up all of Mom’s cards, flowers and other items as we emptied the room to leave behind the woman we had hoped to bring home. I remained comforted that the home she went to was much more peaceful, with no more sorrow and no more pain. She had lived a good life, and made an amazing difference wherever she went. For all her years she had given so much of herself and took care of so many. God had seen her work and decided she had given enough. Her work here on earth was done and it was time for her to rest.

Dad and I kissed her one last time and said good-bye. It was a quiet walk to our cars and even more quiet at the house. Exhausted and with nothing left to say, Dad and I hugged one last time, gave each other a kiss and then retreated to our beds. This time I only had a clock to stare at. Mom was not in the room for me to watch her breathing. I had no family to talk to and no friends to entertain. I simply just had my thoughts, my tears, and my faith. I processed through it all and then closed my eyes. The day was over, my Mom was gone and I was done.