The day of defeat

When the doctor told us that the cancer was too invasive, I remember just feeling overwhelmingly defeated. We had been on such a journey of ups and downs and I thought we were back on the upside. This news was totally devastating.

Mom was not completely comprehending everything. What we said to her is that she did not have to fight anymore. While in Peoria, she would mention how she was ready to die. We would explain to her that it was just an infection. We encouraged her to keep fighting because once the infection was cleared she would feel much better. Dad would ask her to hang on so we could get her home to enjoy her garden. She complied, but maybe she already knew. Now Dad and I knew too. Plus I would have to let everyone else know too.

After the Doctor shared the news we were then asked to think about signing the Do Not Resuscitate form and think about taking Mom home and bringing in hospice. It was a whirlwind of information, decisions and emotions. Dad and I decided to include others in these decisions. We called Rita to come and we knew Grandma was on her way. Rita and Grandma had really been a big part of the journey and had been there for all the pivotal moments and decisions in the past and Dad and I wanted to ensure they agreed with these final choices. While we waited for family, Dad being distraught went outside. I stayed with Mom but unable to hold back my emotions. I started to cry. Mom said quit crying and you need to get back to work. Typical Mom. Forget the pity party and get back to work. So I explained to her again that unfortunately she was not doing well and so I was just going to stay with her. I then said I had to go to the bathroom and went to the chapel to continue my cry and pull myself together.

I was desperate to tell especially Rita and Grandma. They had been there through it all. Not only were they supportive and encouraging to Mom, they had been my support. I needed their support more than ever. My whole life when things were difficult and I had big decisions to make I had always turned to my Mom. Although I had my Dad, I really wanted and needed my Mom to do what she does best…give me a hug and tell me everything will be ok. Since she could not do that I really appreciated to have other amazing, loving women in my life who could give me that motherly hug I yearned.

Rita had made it to the hospital. I was going to wait until Grandma got there so I could tell both of them at the same time. Yet I couldn’t keep it inside so I told Rita. Then I saw Grandma walking to the hospital front door. I decided I would meet her in the lobby to tell her, so she could compose herself before seeing Mom. I met Grandma and asked if we could sit in the lobby. We sat down and one of Grandma’s previous neighbors came over to talk about her garden and gossip about another neighbor. As I listened to this lady go on, inside I was screaming. I was thinking, really this is your issue? My Mom is dying and I have to tell her Mom that she will need to say good-bye to her daughter. Yet then I heard Mom in my head, saying focus on the woman and take time for others. I did the best I could.

The lady then left and I had to tell Grandma. That look, that demeanor, that face of defeat was familiar as it was exactly all I had gone through just a few hours earlier. Grandma kept saying, oh no and the tears began to form. I held her hands and then we hugged. That hug that we both needed to help each other during such a difficult moment. It was as if time stopped and we were the only ones in the room. Then as we started to compose ourselves I looked up and realized that life did not stop. Something I have had to learn that although I wish the world would stop or that everyone would comfort me since I was losing my Mom, I realized the world did not stop and other people had their own lives and their own problems.

I took Grandma to the room and she was such a trooper as she said hi to her daughter and asked how she was doing. Dad and I then asked Grandma and Rita if they agreed with our decision to end all treatment and sign the Do Not Resuscitate. They did agree.

In those few short hours my focus still on caregiving for Mom, but also now was about taking care of Dad and business. I had to call my job to share that I would not be back to work for a while. I called my husband to tell him what was going on and to start planning to come home for a funeral. I had to call each of the family members as this was not something to text. I also had to call Mom’s boss to let him know that she would not be coming back to work. Each call was difficult. As I spoke the words it was hard to say and difficult to admit that the end was near.

Some of her friends had started to come to see Mom. We had told the church and school on Monday that people could start coming over the next few weeks thinking she had plenty of time for visitors. Unfortunately one of her friends had come early that morning and I sent them away as I just couldn’t face the public and speaking the words of her new diagnosis.

Then that dreaded time came where the nurse came to get Dad and I to sign the Do Not Resuscitate form. The nurse explained the details to us and left us as we signed the form. Dad and I knew it was the right thing to do. Signing the form though seemed so final. It was the signature that admitted defeat. It was a signature that although we were not, felt as if we were giving up. We knew we were not. We knew it is what Mom would have wanted. It is what we all agreed upon. It was what we needed to do. Dad signed the form and then he went outside for some more time to himself.

I stayed that night with my Mom. She asked me to lay with her. I really couldn’t since she was in the bed all propped up, but I put my head on her chest and lay as much as I could by her. I sang Amazing Grace. When she fell asleep I laid on the futon. I would have enjoyed sleeping in the bed with her and talking about the journey we had and plans for the future like we used to do. But what we used to do would be no more. Our nights together would be limited as well as our conversations. This night was the first night to many of learning how I would do life without my Mom and without my Best Friend. 

Great support...rough summer

We were in the Peoria Hospital for four weeks as the doctors tried to identify the source of the infection and how to address the infection. Mom was allergic to penicillin and so doctors had to try various medications. Mom was always a fighter, but the infection really took a toll on Mom. She struggled with reading, writing, walking, eating and all the basics of life.

The first time Mom said she was ready to die was something I don’t think I could have ever prepared myself for. As quickly as she said it was as quickly as I dismissed it and told her not to talk that way as she was going to get better. However as time went on, she would say it often and sometimes I would then continue the talk with her. She would share that she was ready and knew dad and I were in good hands. I would try not cry as I would share how much she meant to me and how blessed I was by her love and friendship. I never got to say everything though, because it was too much to bear. Besides this was just an infection and once the right medicine was administered she would be healed and released home. Hindsight I wish I would have asked so much more and shared more with her.

One day Mom said, “I am having a self-pitty moment.” Considering how well she had handled everything we granted her that time. Dad got her a stuffed animated lion that spoke words about love and care. She sat there and held the lion for a good amount of time. This was a new site as I had never seen Mom in so much despair. Not to make lite of the situation, but she did get fairly pitiful. There was a point where she said she just couldn’t do anything and she couldn’t see. At first I was very concerned that with everything that now her eyesight was going. So I quickly retrieved the nurse to have Mom’s eyes checked out. Testing her, the nurse put a colorful saying on the back of the clipboard. As she walked in Mom started reading the quote. I guess she was ok. She then said she was too sad to eat and she just didn’t want to go on. I then pulled out a chocolate bar and commented that she must not even be hungry enough to eat the candy that I brought. She quickly changed her mind and decided that she could handle at least the candy…lol. Overall though Mom was such a trooper. She got poked so many times in her hands, feet, ankles and arms. She had to get test after test and was getting daily radiation treatments. She was limited what to eat and all of her basic skills were being affected. She was definitely granted a day of self-pity and even her moments to get some extra compassion.

During that time family continued to come and were a huge support and help. Friends, church family members and community members were also so supportive. The number of cards people sent surpassed what I could have ever imagined. The prayers, words of concern and encouragement always provided an extra lift. Pastor Sam came to Peoria to visit twice. They were always timed perfect as they were times Mom would be getting very depressed. He would speak words of encouragement and health. Mom was always worried that she wasn’t good enough to go to heaven (really?). Pastor Sam would calm those fears and remind her how much God loved her. Aunt Darla had come to stay with Mom one night when Dad and I really needed a break. Darla had helped Mom practice writing her name and even danced with her to get her up out of bed.

An unexpected moment of encouragement came from one of the housekeepers. Veronica came into the room to wipe down the room. She overheard Mom wanting to quit and not feeling that anything could help her. Veronica immediately told her to hang in there and that God was not done with her. Veronica sang songs with us and prayed with us. Mom called Veronica the angel God knew she needed for the day.

Singing provided uplifting moments. Although Mom had difficult time talking, reading and remembering, singing songs she was able to do. The doctors said that was common and the power of the songs and melody are easier for the brain to recall. When I was younger, as Mom and I would drive to church we would sing songs. She would sing the main vocal and I would sing back up. Duke of Earl, My Girl, and Blue Moon were some of our favorites. We did not miss a beat and sang away in the room. We also sang You are my Sunshine, Amazing Grace, Jesus loves me, and the Old Rugged Cross. (Thank God one of the cards she got had the words to the Old Rugged Cross, because we botched the words on that one).

The songs really seemed to bring comfort to her. I am sure because it was the moments she did not struggle to articulate the thoughts in her head. The songs also helped me remember the good times and forget for the moment all the challenges we were facing.

We would also joke about day lilies. Mom and Dad had come earlier in the spring to visit me in Manitowoc. Mom helped me plant flowers. She had transplanted many of her Day Lilies. I had asked why they were called Day Lilies. She replied that they only bloom a day. At first I thought she was serious and spoke how bogus that would be to put in all that work just for a day of blooms. So we laughed as the days went by in the hospital that I would miss the one day of blooms. Fortunately the one weekend I went home to pay bills and do payroll, the flowers were in full bloom. I took pictures and showed Mom when I got back to the hospital.

It was imperative to find the glimmers of joy and hope, because that round of four weeks in the Peoria hospital were intense. It was up and down with trying to find the right medicine. There were many sleepless nights and days. It required being there for Mom and Dad and still somehow trying to manage things at my own home and work. It was emotional seeing Mom struggle with life and Dad and I feeling so hopeless. I barely left the room unless it was to take Dad to get something to eat, connect with family and work, or to take a shower. I once in a while stayed at the family care house, but because Mom could not manage much on her own, I would stay with her to help if she needed to go to the bathroom, get something to drink, or if she needed company.

Summer passed by and I wish it would not have been spent in the hospital. However I was blessed to have had so much vacation time and an understanding boss and husband that I was able to be with Mom and Dad every step of the way. It wasn’t easy, but I would have not wanted it any other way. Family, friends, church and hospital staff were a huge part of helping us manage such a difficult time.

Thanks to everyone who helped along the way.

I still don't understand

After three weeks in the hospital trying to recover from the infection, it was time to go home. Mom still had a few weeks on an intense schedule of medicine treatments. Plus the infection had taken a toll on Mom and therapy was needed to help her with walking, writing and reading. We were able to get a room at the Mendota Community Hospital in their Bridge to Home program. This allowed us to go home, be close to family, church members and community support. She wasn’t 100% better, but for us it was a sign of us moving in the right direction. Because of the long drive, we had Mom transported by ambulance. While Mom was in the hospital she had gotten her radiation treatments and the focus had really been on dealing with the infection, that addressing the cancer was almost second in thought.

However before we left I met with the doctor and asked for clarification of what extent the cancer was at. The doctor explained that we probably had a year or a little more. I helped load Mom in the ambulance and then got in my own car to follow. As I settled in I thought about that statement…”a year or a little more.” I processed that more and thought, do I tell anyone? How would Mom take the news, or Dad or anyone? Would Mom give up or work really hard to get everything done? Then I thought what will I do? Do I come home every weekend, take more time off or go back to life like normal? Overwhelmed with emotions and questions I called Dave to ask him to help me process. My husband was so patient and understanding during this difficult time as he let me take care of family things as he took care of things at home. In that moment he said he would support whatever I felt I needed to do.

Still not knowing what I would do, I decided for that time it would be important to just be present in the moment, enjoy the time I had and be positive to keep Mom strong. We got to the hospital and Dad, Grandma and Rita were there to greet us. The nurse had a series of questions to answer and I rattled off all the details, medicine and expectations for therapy and treatments. Mom was also visited by the doctor who would be taking care of her. The doctor seemed somewhat surprised that she was there, but at the time we did not know what that meant.

Then lunch was delivered. Rita asked if she could have the brownie. Mom gave her a dirty look and said “no.” It was funny to see her so determined for her food. Who could blame her though as she had the same menu for the last 4 weeks so it was nice to have some other options? We then sat around and talked and celebrated that Mom was back in Mendota. As everyone got ready to leave I asked Mom if she wanted me to stay. She at first said I should go home and get to sleep in a bed. Then I responded that this room was nicer than all of them as it had a futon I could sleep on and I was planning on staying until Monday anyways so I could stay. She then looked up at me with these sad eyes and whispered, “Could you stay with me?” I responded of course and gave her a kiss on her forehead. I was grateful she was going to let me stay. I had only been away from Mom for such a limited time over those five weeks. I was just as desperate to stay with her as I was happy to know she wanted me there as well. The futon was a welcome addition too.

Sunday not much had happened, but Mom did not seem to be doing very well. However we just figured it was because she finally wanted to rest from the long journey. Sunday night I did go stay at my parent’s house but was back early to meet with the doctor on Monday morning to discuss the plans.

Monday Dad and I got to the hospital and Mom was not doing well at all. Her diabetes numbers were all over the place. The Doctor said she was running tests but may not have results until later. I once again questioned what I should do…stay or head home. I decided to stay until the test results were back.

Monday afternoon the doctor came to share that her liver was shutting down. They would administer other medicine to see what could be done and if her body would respond. We were all shocked. How could this be? We just got done with the infection and the liver was never a concern. However earlier that week still in Peoria, we had pointed out to the doctor how yellow Mom’s eyes seemed to appear. The doctor at that time said they did some checks and did not mention any concerns with the liver. So how could this happen?

On Tuesday the Doctor came back and said the cancer was too invasive and with medicine we could keep Mom alive for a few more weeks. Dad and I knew we were done…the fight was over. No more medicine. No more tests. No more poking, prodding, guessing, fighting. We were done. That is how Mom would have wanted it.

To this day out of all that had happened this is what I question most. How did we go from having a year to a week? How did we recognize the yellow in her eyes while in Peoria, but they found nothing and then in a few days the cancer had taken over the liver? How did we go from a celebration of being to home, to the realization she was really going home to heaven? I can sometimes drive myself crazy trying to figure this out. What brings me comfort is that if we would have known about the liver malfunction in Peoria, we would have had to figure out how to take care of Mom in my Parent’s house instead of having the first class care at the hospital. If Mom would have had a year she would have either been miserable because she wouldn’t have been able to work, or overworked herself to get everything in place. Mom never wanted to be in pain and that was achieved. I had questioned how Dad and I would change our lives and now I didn’t need to figure that out.

I will never understand what went wrong, what did we miss and how could Peoria have been so wrong. Yet I keep looking to the good that came out of this to help keep the tears at bay and the questions quiet. My heart still aches, but in the end I trust that God had a plan and I can see the good. Most of all I am grateful that God protected Mom, Dad and I from having to make some of the most difficult decisions during the end of life process, since He made them for us. 

Relay for Life

We had been back in the hospital for a few days. Mom was there but not very responsive. However the day of Relay for Life she woke up and said, “Relay for Life, Relay for Life.” That whole day she would talk about her team “Breast Friends” and of course felt bad that she was missing out. She had hoped people would understand why she was not there. Which of course they did.

This year I joined the team to walk in memory of my Mom. I am mad at myself that I hadn’t been part of the team sooner. However I have had to remind myself many times this year that I can’t live in regret but continue to find ways to bring honor to my Mom and live out her legacy.

Not only was I able to be a part of the team, but I was asked to speak on behalf as a caregiver. Fortunately I had a four hour drive to think of what I would say, and also to process the reality of that time. Writing this blog has been healing, but speaking it added a new dimension. During my talk I shared how I had to help Mom with the little things like remembering her birth year. Then I had to assist with more skilled pieces such as remembering how to read and write. Yet the hardest thing to help with is when I realized I was helpless because there were no more medication or treatment options. I did make it through giving the presentation without a bunch of tears. All my family was there to support me. I also know my mom was there. The weather outside was bad so the event was moved to the high school. Mom had worked for the high school for over 20 years. The place where I presented was in the cafeteria. In this very room is where my Mom spent most of her time and where the plaque honoring her hangs. So although we were inside Mom’s spirit was all over the event.

I made it through the speech, but that first caregiver lap was very difficult. I saw the rest of my family walking with those who had survived and half of the lap I walked alone. A reminder that Mom was truly gone. The reminder of how I should have been there all the years in the past to spend time celebrating her survival. Now I can only celebrate her memory. My family recognized I was struggling and came to walk by my side. A great imagery of this whole journey. From the moment Mom was in the hospital, my family was there to help. Grandma was wonderful in helping me understand some of the billing and provided that hug I always needed. My Aunt Billie and Uncle Mike helped me but was the extra support my Dad needed. My Aunt Jeri and Wanda and Uncle Leon, Garry and Ron came many times to entertain my mom and provide words of comfort. My cousins just loved and comforted me. My Aunt Darla took care of Mom one night when Dad and I really needed a break. Although I am so blessed by all my family, my Aunt Rita was my angel. She was there every step of the way. She was my safe person for me to talk to about logistics and even me true emotions. She helped manage the bills, some of the paperwork and communication with Mom’s work. Rita is also the person I still call when I just need to vent or cry or really need a friend. I do also talk to Grandma sometimes about the things I am not sure what to do or how to help my Dad. Everyone in my family played a role then and continues to provide great love and support. I am grateful for each of them as they all are valuable to me.

After that first lap, the walk got easier. I would see the bags in memory of my Mom. People would come up and thank me for speaking and then share memories about Mom. Her spirit continued to shine throughout the evening. Aunt Wanda had made a beautiful quilt to raffle. On the quilt was a label sharing that she made the quilt and was in loving memory of Carolyn Pollard. Supposedly Aunt Jeri told cousin Janell that if she won the quilt she would donate it to me, but never expected to win since she never wins. However Aunt Jeri’s name was drawn and I was rewarded this beautiful quilt. How wonderful that this beautiful quilt will stay in the family and be a reminder of the love of my two aunts and in memory of my Mom.

After 12 hours the night was over. Our team advanced to the Gold level raising almost $6000.00. It was a difficult, fun, and healing evening. I was able to spend time with my family, honor my Mom and raise funds to help other families celebrate another birthday with their loved ones.   Relay for Life is a great event and I am glad I was a part of it. 

We're Back.

I was only at work for a day and by the second morning, I received a call from Dad….Mom is not doing well. Her glucose numbers were way off and she was even more disoriented than he had ever seen. Being so far away was so frustrating. I suggested to see if things got better as the mornings are rough as she wakes up and gets something in her stomach.

In the afternoon I got the second call. Dad is taking Mom back to the emergency room. Then I got the next call. The hospital is rushing her back to Peoria. I decided to wait until the morning to head back to Peoria. That evening I tried to get as much work done as possible. Then I went out to dinner with my husband since that had been only the third night I had been home.

That night I cried as Dave asked me if I am ready to let my Mom go as this may be her time. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to admit it. Yet hindsight it was good to have that discussion to prepare my heart for what I was about to face.

As I drove back to the hospital on Thursday I had plenty of time to think, process and pray. I picked up Grandma along the way. Fortunately Aunt Rita was able to go down the night before to help my Dad. When we got there, Mom was not good. She kept saying she was tired. We tried to comfort her, but it was like talking to a young child who could not understand but just knew she did not feel good. This time the doctor did not provide promising news, but did admit that it was not clear what was all going on, so more tests were needed. Mom got to lay down as we waited for the tests. I sat with her as we waited in the hallway. Nothing was waking Mom up and I prepared for another few days of limited sleep. I tried to stay hopeful but how frustrating to feel like we were back to square one. As Mom was getting the test done, news came from Mendota hospital. A viral infection was detected in the blood tests taken before Mom was rushed to Peoria.

Good news as we know what is wrong. Bad news was there was no indication of the source of the infection and so determining the correct treatment was still unknown. Mom seemed worse than before. She struggled with walking, eating, drinking and even understanding anything that was being said. Everything was now a challenge for her. Dad and I became her voice and reason.

What awaited us next is the Patient Care Coordinator. Taking us to a separate room, she mentioned the “do not resuscitate.” Trying to remain calm and polite I wanted to listen, but inside screaming that this was not an option. My Dad showing less constraint did tell her that she was out of line and that was not even an option to be discussed. He stormed off. I remained and listened only to be curious. Yet I kept thinking, you don’t know my mom. She is a fighter. She has more to offer this world. There is more I want to do with her. This is not the end.

I thanked her for her time. I apologized for my Dad but explained how difficult and sudden this has been. She understood. When I found Dad he was upset. Understanding, we hugged and cried. How did we get here? Just last week was almost surreal, but we were home with hope for more years to come. Now we are back at the hospital with things appearing almost worse than before. Thinking of signing a do not resuscitate was just too much for both of us. All I could do was comfort my Dad as I saw the despair on his face. As we embraced I recognized how much we have had to start leaning on each other. I have always loved my Dad, but he is not much into talking or sharing especially on such deep matters. When it came to conversations of substance it was always Mom and I. So even this was foreign to us both.

That night we were both faced with the truth that not everything was fine. Life was taking us on a new path which neither of us really liked.  Trying to find the good, a lesson learned from Mom, I was grateful for the rollaway bed I got to sleep in versus those uncomfortable hospital chairs. Other than that I could not see the good in this. What I really wanted to do is scream to get everyone to stop what they were doing and put all focus on healing my Mom. I wanted to cry and have Mom do what she does best by giving me a hug and telling me it will all be ok. Those were not options. So I faked the smiles, worked to be patient and tried to stay strong.

What was most frustrating is the fact that we were back to the hospital. We were back to the unknown. We were back to square one. Not the place we had hoped we would be. 

Back to Manitowoc

When we brought Mom home, we had no idea that would be the last weekend Mom would be in that house, sit at the table on the back patio, or see her garden. If we would have known I am sure I would have used that weekend much differently. I would have asked about life insurance and bills. I would have also made Mom help me know what to get rid of and what to keep. Before the summer Mom and I had planned to take some time late that summer to declutter and clean the house. How convenient that she got out of that chore.

Since we thought that weekend was just a start to a long journey of radiation treatments and end of life planning, we took the weekend to rest. On Sunday Mom and I went to have coffee and rolls at Grandma’s house. We all noticed that Mom was having some difficulty with conversations again. She would get frustrated when she could not think of the words or say the words. She also slept a lot that weekend. Dad and I did not think much of it though, because we understood she had just been a lot.

On Monday though something was definitely off. As we got ready to go meet with the Oncologist to discuss radiation treatment, she struggled to get ready. I asked her to take the medicine and she wasn’t sure how to take it. I would tell her we need to go and got her up and then she would sit back down. I basically had to pull her to the car.

When we got to the Oncologists they had not received all of the test results from Peoria and so there was little they could tell us about treatment options. We did discuss Mom’s recurrence of disorientation and concern that the brain lining may be swelling again. We left the doctor’s with little of new information or direction.

When we got home I tried to get all things in order before heading back to Manitowoc. I could tell Dad was nervous with me leaving. Mom had a lot of medications to manage, including shots for her diabetes. Plus with Mom’s disorientation I was just as anxious to leave. Yet I had to get home. I kissed both my parents good bye and headed to Manitowoc. 

As I drove home I thought about the week and how fortunate I was to have so much vacation time that I could home often to help during this difficult time. When I arrived in Manitowoc it was nice to sleep in my own bed and try to get back to somewhat back to normal. Who knew that my time at home would be so short and my time with Mom would be so limited.  

We are going home.

The team of doctors would always arrive early. Since this was the first morning that I was not waking up by Mom’s side, Dad and I got up early to head over to the hospital. Peoria has this “family house” for families with members in the hospital to stay at. It is a nice building with 30 some hotel rooms. They also have laundry, shower and kitchen facilities. It is only a few blocks from the hospital and $25 a night. It is really a nice place and was a blessing to my family for many nights while we were there.

When they doctors came in they expressed how much better Mom was doing. They wanted to check a few more things, but she would probably go home that day. Excited to hear the news, my parents wanted to do something special for the staff. So Dad and I went to Wal-Mart and got cookies and cupcakes and one of those large Thank You cards. By the time we got back Mom said they had already started to put in the paperwork for her release. Dad and I started to pack things up while Mom started to write her comments in the card. She took time to recognize each nurse for their contribution. As I sat down beside her to help remember all of the nurses, I noticed her struggle with her writing. Yet we were both excited to be going home so we just ignored the obvious and kept going. Once the card was done my family went out to the nurses’ desk to give the tokens of appreciation and to thank each of them. Many of the nurses came and gave us hugs and said we would be missed but were glad we were able to go home. My Dad even made sure that the housekeeping staff got their own desserts and a thank you card. Everyone at the hospital was great. We were definitely glad to be going home, but it was sad. We became very attached to the staff. But you didn’t have to ask us twice. When the release papers were in hand we were out the door.

Before leaving I did get to talk to the physician assistant to just confirm next steps. She showed me the brain scan and said that fortunately the mass was manageable. Getting Mom started on radiation immediately was the critical next step. I asked if there was something we should have done or things we would have noticed. The PA said that many times those surviving breast cancer, the next growth area is the brain. Concerned knowing many other women who survived breast cancer and knowing that insurance is not likely to cover a brain scan we discussed strategies to get that covered. The PA also shared that her mom had breast cancer and then the mass on her brain. She explained how her Mom lived for a few years after the diagnosis of the brain tumor. She encouraged me to enjoy my time with my Mom and to know how lucky we were that the mass was still small and hopefully detected early. With these words of wisdom, I went back to the room to finishing loading things up to leave.

We all piled into the car and the first thing Mom asked is if we could stop and get ice cream. The food at the hospital wasn’t that bad, but it was the same thing over and over. So ice cream was a special treat that hit the spot for all of us. After the ice cream, Mom and I slept the way home. It was a long week.When we got home we had to go get her six different medications. Mom and I then sat there at her chair trying to write in her calendar when and how much of each medication so we could keep it all straight.

That night we were all exhausted. We barely got through the nightly news and we were all in bed. No late night conversations for Mom and I. No words were needed. We had spent the last week in a hospital trying to make sense of this all. We knew that there would be much discussion moving forward as major decisions would have to be made.  Tonight it was a time to just enjoy the fact we were at home and being able to sleep without machines and nurses. Yes, we all slept good that night. 

Fireworks

For whatever reason I have never been a big fan of fireworks. Mom and Dad however love fireworks. No matter where they were for the fourth of July, they would find out where the biggest firework show was at and attended. Fortunately the staff at Saint Francis Peoria hospital helped carry on that tradition.

On July 3^rd there were fireworks being shown down the block from the hospital. When the staff heard how Mom loved fireworks they came in the evening to rearrange the room so Mom could the fireworks outside her window. Unfortunately they were hard to see, but every once in a while you could see a firework or two through the tree branches. As I saw Mom get excited by the few glimpses of fireworks, I started to get teary eye. I realized this could be the last time I watched fireworks with my mom. The nurse Jenny, leaned over and gave me a hug. I wiped the tears from my eyes and went back to helping Mom find the fireworks through the trees. Once the fireworks were done, we moved all the chords and equipment back so Mom could go back to bed and sleep. I didn’t sleep much that night as I thought of all the things I wish I would have done with my mom.

July 4^th was another party in Mom’s room. More family came to visit which we all appreciated. Mom was doing better and she was able to keep up with the conversations. She was definitely healing and it was great to see. July 4^th was the night for the big fireworks over the bridge in Peoria. On the other side of the floor Mom was on provided a great view of the display. Mom, Dad and I went to the other side to watch the fireworks. I have to admit they were quite impressive. Mom would comment about a few of them. Dad and I stood behind Mom holding hands and appreciating the family time together enjoying a simple activity. Life almost seemed back to normal. Because she was doing better that was the first night I did not stay with Mom, but went back to the family house with Dad.

I am still not a big fan of fireworks, but now when I see them I think of Mom and our last time doing something together as a family. I remember how happy she was to see the display and how Dad and I stood by to enjoy the moment together.  

Happy as Can be Anniversary

July 3^rd, the day of my parent’s anniversary. Although last year they had planned to spend it in St. Louis, they celebrated in Peoria at the hospital. This was the fourth day in the hospital and Mom was still struggling with her words and thoughts, but she was definitely getting better. Mom asked me to go get something for Dad out of the gift shop. Candy it was for him. Then dad asked to me to go with him to get her something. Flowers were not allowed on the Intensive Care Unit. So Dad found this animated frog with an umbrella and raincoat stating “Hope you feel better soon.” It would tap its foot, move side to side and sing the song “Singing in the rain.” I mean the whole song. Mom appreciated the gift and showed it and played the song to everyone; family, staff and even the housekeeper. I think it made Dad feel good as it brought some joy to Mom’s face.

That day was good to because many family members came to visit. Rita brought cupcakes for the celebration. We had to get more chairs and the nurses were all invited to come get a cupcake and celebrate. Fortunately Mom’s room was at the end of the hallway, because we were quite loud. It was good to see Mom laughing and enjoying family. This was the Mom I knew. Not only did we have a good time, but I think the staff really enjoyed our family get together as well.

Mom and Dad met at the Octave Restaurant. Mom was a waitress at the time. They married young. They were not rich, but they gave freely. They were opposite in nature, but completed one another. They were not flashy in their relationship, but their love was genuine. They had their struggles, but they stuck through it. They were also faithful to one another. However that day as we were talking about Mom and Dad’s anniversary, Mom started a sentence with, “When I cheated.” We all were like, what? She then continued, “Cheated off the board to know it was July 3^rd and her anniversary.” We all just laughed as we thought maybe this was her moment of confession. During this time she also mentioned that I had only screwed up once in my life. I guess I am glad that she didn’t know or recognize the 500,000 other mistakes I have made.

As Mom was giving me advice for my own marriage, she said it was important to marry my best friend and someone who would make me laugh. Then Mom jokingly said, “I have been married for 35 years and I am just starting to like your Dad.” This was to remind me that there will be the bad and good days.

I have many memories of the good days. Some of the most memorable included the numerous trips we took together. Every year we would go on a family vacation. One year my parents didn’t have a lot of money, but they were still going to have their family vacation. We got into the car and drove as far as we could. We got to Omaha, Nebraska. We had an ice cream cone and then got back in the car and drove back home. I can’t say that the ice cream was special, but the trip left an impression. One year we went to Southern Illinois. Mom and I decided we would walk the two miles to see the “little grand canyon.” When we got there it was of nothing worth seeing. Yet we were determined to make Dad jealous that he did not go with us. We were going to tell him how great it was, but we were laughing so hard it was quite obvious to Dad that it was a big joke. Another time that Mom and I always laughed about was this hotel that we went to. Dad would normally always let Mom and I carry in the luggage and he would already be in the room laying down. This one hotel was different. He was the last in to the room with the luggage. The room had mouse traps in it and I don’t think there were any springs in the bed. The bathroom light sounded like a jet ready to take off. We did not stay long in that room.

Mom and I had our own special trips too. One time she took me and three of my friends to Lake Geneva so we could see Def Leppard. As my Aunt would say how can they know what they are playing if they are deaf. Another year when I was really young, Mom chaperoned a trip to the Chicago Zoo. While having lunch a guy came into the cafeteria screaming and throwing trays. We thought we were going to die. We obviously did not. Mom and I had talked in the last few years to go to Springfield and Door County. We did not make it.

There were many good days between my Mom and Dad and I was fortunate to be part of many of those. This year Mom and Dad would have celebrated 44 years. Today the frog that Dad gave to Mom sits on top of the TV cabinet. The chair that Mom always sat in now sits empty. Pictures of her adorn the living room. Her stuff remains in the drawers and closets. The plants she planted are in full bloom.

As hard as it is for me to lose my Mom, I can only imagine how much more difficult it is to lose your spouse. Dad is doing better than I expected, but obviously struggling as everywhere he turns he is reminded of her. So as much as I write these to bring remembrance and honor to my Mom. Today I want to recognize my Dad and the strength he has shown during this time. It cannot be easy and especially on this day as he spends his first anniversary without the one he loves the most. Please pray for him.

It's Cancer

Because Mom went to St. Francis in Peoria over the weekend we did not get much information of what was wrong with her. When she first was admitted it was under the assumption that she was having a stroke. On Monday we got the answer that it wasn’t a stroke but a mass on her brain and that the lining of her brain was very inflamed. However the doctors wanted to do more tests to get a more accurate picture of all that was going on in her body. This was only one of many tests she would endure. In fact we joked that by the time she was done she probably had utilized every machine that provides some kind of test.

Not fully sure ourselves what the results meant and worried that Mom would be devastated by the news, we decided to wait to tell her everything until we knew the whole diagnosis. This was our first hard decision of many more to come. There was much discussion of whether we should just tell her what the doctors found out or wait until there was a better analysis of the problem. We didn’t want to lie to Mom, but we also didn’t want her to give up and limit her ability to heal. Honestly, I think most of us were just trying to deal with the news ourselves. My Aunt after hearing the news started to cry a little, Mom asked her what was wrong. She responded that she just stubbed her toe. Good cover up. I know for me I was hesitant to say anything, because secretly I was hoping the doctors would come back with better news. Information that would that would include what was wrong but how she could overcome this. So in the beginning we just told her that she was sick and that her brain lining was swollen which was causing her difficulty in speech. 

As the week went on it was confirmed that the cancer had come back and besides the tumor on her brain, they had also found a spot on her chest, liver and spine. Their main focus for now though was the mass in her brain. They did offer hope and said with radiation, it could extend her time. They put her on steroids to help with the swelling and monitored that closely because they would release her once the swelling was down. Then she would be discharged to go seek treatment back home.

One of the nurses, Janet, comforted us by sharing how her mom had a tumor on the brain and cancer on the spine and lived a few more productive years before cancer took her life. I remember praying after that conversation and asked that God would guide us in the way we should go and spare my Mom any pain. That when it was her time to go to let her go peacefully. He definitely answered that prayer just not according to my time table.

The diagnosis received was not the best news but it wasn’t the worst. There was still hope. When we finally told Mom she received the news fairly well. She said she would try to get better as long as she only had to do radiation and not chemo, because she would never do that again.

Mom had already gone through radiation and chemo once. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. Just like this time she was a trooper than. She never complained, still tried to work as much as she could, and trusted with God’s help she would fight this awful disease. She did. That year cancer did not win. In fact in true Carolyn fashion, she made friends wherever she went, encouraged others in their healing and went out of her way to show appreciation to those who helped along the way. My Mom fought hard and arose the victor. Studies say that 7.6 million people die from cancer each year. That year she was not one of those statistics.

During that time of cancer, she wrote a journal which I found while cleaning out her stuff. In that journal she wrote how she was scared but wanted to be strong for everyone else (typical). Her sister and friend who had previously survived breast cancer were a big help as they guided her through the steps. She then shared how she hoped for the best but prepared for the worst. She wrote her obituary, had copies of certificates, and documented logins and passwords for her files. Fortunately she had done that to help in this new crisis. She also wrote in the journal how grateful she was for her friends and family and the support of work and church. She then shared how she had dad start paying bills so he could learn about that process. She felt he would be fine without her because he already knew how to cook, clean and do laundry. The most meaningful piece for me was when she mentioned said she was proud of me and considered me her best friend. That was the best, because I wanted her to be proud of me and I shared in the same sentiment…she is my best friend as well. She also said I would be fine because I had a good husband and a nice home. I am not sure how “fine” Dad and I are doing. Life is definitely different without her, but we are managing.  

After her first stint with cancer, Mom along with my aunt and others, participated in Relay for Life on the team they formed Breast Friends. I am not sure why I was never more active with my family regarding this, but this year I will participate and walk in memory of my mom. In the past I had known many affected by cancer but survived. This year is different. This year I lost three amazing people to cancer and one more family member was diagnosed and overcame. This year I am participating as a member of Team Breast Friends. I will help raise money to support research to help other families defeat the disease and enjoy their loved ones. I will walk in honor of my Aunt Rita and my Uncle Leon. I will walk in memory of two great mentors, Milton Rapp and Gary Cleveland. I will also walk in memory of my best friend and mom, Carolyn Pollard. 

Leaving an Impact.

As my Mom continued to struggle with names, dates and other simple facts, she was still determined to treat everyone with respect. A lesson that she had instilled in me since I was little.

When I worked at Mom’s restaurant as a waitress and had difficult customer’s she taught me to kill them with kindness so only they would have to feel bad about their actions. I had learned that Mom would provide free meals to one of the ladies in the community who was fairly poor. She provided opportunities for the kids in the Special Education classes to work in the cafeteria and be part of the team. She would go out of her way to recognize students for their accomplishments. Plus she would never say anything bad about anyone and always willing to go out of her way to help others, was stated over and over in the sympathy cards sent to us. Yes Mom was a remarkable woman who lived a life of kindness, generosity and respect.

Despite her limitations in speech and illness, she still found ways to make the doctors and nurses feel appreciated. It started with their names. Mom believed in calling people by their first name. She was always better at that than me. That tradition continued as every nurse, doctor, housekeeper or other support staff came in she would ask them their name. Even if they were only there probably for one visit to collect blood or transport her for tests, she wanted to know their first name. When she couldn’t remember she would get frustrated. So I soon realized I would need to know everyone’s name as well to help my Mom when she could not remember, but to also show the same respect to the staff.  

Another way Mom would honor the staff is to get to know their stories. She never wanted to have attention directed on her or her problems and instead focused on everybody else. We learned about Holly who didn’t look 40 at all who was planning her son’s wedding. There was Janine who had a cute little boy Tristen. Jeremy worked for the navy for 8 years. Then there was Dr. George.  Her goal was to get him to laugh which she accomplished. With Dr. Mackey she would comment about his ties. Dr. Ruben she would tell him that he was her favorite, because when he talked to her she knew he was telling her the truth and she was in good hands. The list could go on and on as she had teams of doctors, nurses and other support staff that we knew every single one of their names and many of their life stories. Because of Mom’s care for others, Holly came in to see my Mom on her day off. Janine brought her son in so we could meet him. Nurses who were scheduled for other rooms, would still stop in to see how we were doing. Everyone loved my mom and really, how could you not?

Mom was also always good at finding joy and making the best of the situation. Case in point, when one of the guy nurses came into the room. She asked him his name and then asked if he was single. Looking shocked by her question, Mom quickly explained that she wasn’t asking for herself but thought she would use her time in the hospital to find her niece a boyfriend. This became the joke among all the staff. In fact one time the nurses were looking out the window and told Mom that a single guy was walking by but would not recommend him as dating material. My other single cousin then asked for Aunt Carolyn to start looking for her as well. We even sent a photo of one male nurse, but it didn’t amount to anything.

Both of my parents has also taught me the virtue of gratitude. Thank you goes a long way which we would say all the time when staff would help us. When later discharged, my dad brought treats for the whole staff and personalized messages of appreciation were sent to many of the staff as well.

That time in the hospital Mom reminded me of valuable lessons…get to know people’s name, care about people and their stories, laugh at life, make the best of the moments, and show gratitude. Mom might have had difficulties with her words, but not in her ability to touch people’s lives. Before her time in the hospital, Mom gave all she had to her coworkers, church members, community and family. During her time in the hospital her light continued to shine and reached the hospital staff. Even after her passing her legacy lives on and continues to have an impact on lives, especially mine. Thanks Mom.