1951

The first night in the hospital after my mom was rushed to the hospital was probably one of the worst nights ever. Not only was I up worrying about my mom but her IV alarm kept going off. Every time mom would bend her arm the air to the IV machine would cut off and sound an alarm. I hated that machine.

Early that morning mom also complained about the stuff on her back and asked me to get it off. I had no idea what she was talking about. There was no stuff. Finally the nurse helped figure it out, that it was the machines which were a reflection in the TV that she thought was on her back. So we turned on the TV to remove the reflection. This helped except the Lucille Ball Show was on which I thought would be good for her to watch, but she internalized the show and said everybody was laughing at her. New channel…which was the inspirational music channel with images of nature. Yes it was a very long, rough night and early morning.

What made matters worse is that every time a nurse or doctor came in they would ask mom if she knew her name, where she was, what day it was and her birthday. This was a challenge for her and she would get frustrated as she could not always answer. It was hard to watch this bright, articulate, talkative woman now struggle to put thoughts and words together. As hard as it was for me, I could only empathize how challenging it was for her. I imagined how hard it must be to not know answers to simple questions like your name and birthdate, or maybe even know the answers but unable to put the syllables together to speak them. I know the nurses and doctors would have to ask the questions, but I just wanted them to come in to take care of her; not remind her and I of  how bad off she was at that time.

Determined to remember and get the questions right she would sit there and repeat her name, the day and where she was. As family members arrived she would say their name and then say her name. She would try to read the board in the room that listed her name and date, so she could use that to cheat off when the words would not make sense in her head. She was like a little girl just learning how to speak and read for the first time. She would get frustrated because there was so much she wanted to say but she couldn’t spit it out and end with just saying, “never mind.” As much as she wanted to speak, I wanted to listen. I clung to her words just hoping there would be some breakthrough and she would be able to speak freely again so we could have those long conversations and laugh at this whole silly incident.

Yet the struggle continued. She did get better with her name, the day and where she was at, but that forsaken birthday would get her every time. She could usually say the month and the day, but could not put the year together. Sometimes she would say the correct year but then would say it wasn’t right. We explained to her it was right but she didn’t believe us. For whatever reason, the year was not clicking in her head even when it was correct.  She got mad at us because she thought we were either lying to her or just did not want to help her know her birthdate. Round and round we would go. Finally Grandma arrived. Mom anxious to get this date looked over to Grandma with desperation saying, “Mom when was I born? Tell them.” Grandma willing to help her troubled daughter got up and walked over to the bed and grabbed Mom’s hand as she lovingly said, “you were born in 1951.”With a long sigh as if the numbers finally clicked mom responded, “yes, 1951.” She continued as if needing to apologize, “I wanted to tell them but I couldn’t say it and they didn’t know.”

Although that whole morning we tried to confirm when she said 1951 to be the correct year, her brain would not make the linkage. However when her Mom (Grandma) said the date it was as if it were the one person she knew would know the answer and would not lie. From that moment on she did not forget the year and of course neither did any of us who spent that morning with her.  Amazing how just four numbers could cause so much frustration and how much joy it can bring to know a simple thing as the year you were born. For Carolyn Pollard that year was 1951.