The day after

The day after Mom’s passing was filled with getting things checked off on the “to do list.” Rita was humored by my many to do lists. However those lists were critical to keep me on task and focused on the work and not my emotions.  Looking back on this time I realized I was very good and still am at filling my days with work to keep me from addressing my feelings. Knowing Dad was very emotional I sent him with Uncle Mike to go get a suit.

I along with Rita worked on submitting the obituary, finalizing funeral details, and picking out Mom’s outfit. We then met up with Grandma and Elissa to choose the flowers. With the help with the flower shop we decided to add some cooking utensils, like a rolling pin, whisk and a cookbook opened to one of Mom’s recipes.

After the work was done Rita, Elissa and I took a break and went to go get a pedicure. I felt bad for the gentleman who had me, because he kept asking me to lift my leg or put it in the water. My thoughts were everywhere but there and so he had to keep repeating everything. It was nice to get treated though. While getting my nails done I was reminded how Mom would say for as much as the hospital bills would be she should at least have received a pedicure. Mom did not get her pedicure while in the house, but Jeanne who did Mom’s makeover gave her a manicure. It was such a simple thing, but not necessary. It put a smile on my face and I am sure even on Mom’s.

I am sure what else put a smile on Mom’s face is what I came home to. I had asked Dad how his shopping went. He began to laugh and I could only imagine what that was about. Dad then explained that when he got home Mike and him realized that his jacket with blue and his pants were black. All I could do was laugh and knew Mom was laughing right along with me.

I then got a call from the funeral home needing a different shirt to hide the marks from all the tubes and possibly a hat or scarf to cover her head as she had lost too much hair. Rita again came to the rescue to help me pick out a different shirt. Going through Mom’s closet it was evident of her efforts as she had plenty of Mendota High School and Relay for Life t-shirts. The Mendota High School polo won out.

As the evening came I realized that Dad had his outfit, but I had nothing. I did not pack anything for a funeral, that wasn’t even a thought when I was packing. So I decided to take some time for myself to go get an outfit. When I arrived in the store, the lady asked me if I needed help finding anything. I don’t normally ask for help, but at this moment I realized I just needed some support. I started to get teary eyed as I explained I needed help to pick out an outfit for my Mom’s funeral. The clerk was very compassionate and gladly helped me. I felt fat and ugly as I just sat in a hospital room for six weeks. So every outfit looked awful. As I stood in the dressing room I just started to cry. This is a moment Mom should be with me. She would encourage me that the outfits are ok and I am ok. She would have suggested outfits. Then when I would come out to show her she would have poked, pulled and shifted the clothes to tell me what she honestly thought. She was not there though and I simply had the sales clerk who although was nice, was not Mom. I finally found the outfits and headed home. As I drove, I was not ready to go home and sit in a quiet home with Dad.

I decided to call Jeanne who graciously allowed me to come out to her home. She comforted me and allowed me to share my heart. She recognized how well I held it together. I tried to do this the best I could so I could be the strength my Dad needed. It was nice to just share with Jeanne though. Renewed I headed home and enjoyed another night in a real bed. 

The final day

When I awoke on Sunday morning August 4, 2013, Mom was still alive. August 4 is my wedding anniversary. I remember earlier that week I said I hope Mom doesn’t die on my anniversary. Yet that morning seeing her struggle, I told her it would be ok for her to pass on my anniversary.

Mom was struggling. It was evident that she was not comfortable and breathing was more difficult. Although she was not responding, we decided to start administering pain medication to ease any pain she may be experiencing. I was constantly soaking her lips to prevent sores. Constantly brushing the hair off the pillow and her clothes. I was constantly watching her breathing to see if she still had breath.

After church a few members came to check in on Mom. I am sure they were taken back by her condition. Jeanne Rapp came and played a song for Mom that expressed that she did her best, worked her hardest and now the work was done. I tried not to cry as it was time to be the hostess for all of these people. Appreciative from the break of just sitting there, it was also tiresome to put on a face of contentment when deep inside I was weary and despaired.

Then the Pastor came in with a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal to lay by Mom’s side. He had heard how one of the last things she spoke was the singing of the Mickey Mouse song. Pastor then prayed with Dad and I which again was a big deal for my dad to remain and pray. The Pastor also provided communion for us, because Mom had asked for that while in Peoria hospital. Again Dad partook in this as well. Although it was hard to let go of Mom, it was great to see how Dad was receiving this new sense of hope and peace in Jesus Christ. My Dad accepted the Lord and that provided some peace and comfort to what otherwise would be a miserable time of my life.

After a constant flow of church members, there remained just family. The hospital staff was extremely great during this time as the last few days they brought in refreshments to provide to family and visitors. They understood that it really was just a sit and wait for that dreadful moment. By dinner the family persuaded Dad and I to go get dinner. Neither one of us wanted to leave…just in case. After much convincing we headed to the usual Cindy’s diner. I love my Dad but our conversations were getting harder. Mainly because we didn’t have much to talk about. We had spent the last six weeks together in a hospital room focused on Mom. I didn’t have work or family to talk about or heck even the weather. Our attention had been on the care for Mom. So after six weeks of that and then adding the emotions of despair, defeat and distraught, what else was there to say. Plus neither of us were really hungry. We had been sitting for so long and we were too tired and anxious to eat. So we ate a few bites and tried to make conversation, but it was just getting to be too much.

We got back to the hospital and I met up with Grandma who shared that she knew of others with similar situations. She said I should prepare myself as this could go on for a few weeks. I thought to myself, Lord please no. It was hard to watch Mom struggle for breath. Plus I expressed to the family that I didn’t know how much more I could handle especially the dinners with Dad. We just didn’t have anything else to say to each other. The family was gracious and showed support. We then sat there for about 20 minutes and I realized I needed to go to get a drink of water. As I stood up I looked at Mom to see how she was doing and as I looked, I saw her breathing wasn’t right. With three hard breaths, she took her last one. I said something like, I think Mom just passed. The family all got up and confirmed that she was no longer breathing. We went to go get the nurse and she came to confirm and pronounce her time of death. 6:42 pm. The last time Mom would breathe a breath here on earth.

Dad just cried and the family held us and comforted us. The nurse was gracious and gave us all of the time we needed to say our good-byes. The family stayed with us for a little while and then shared that they would see us in the morning to finalize funeral plans. Dad and I stayed behind. As we stood by Mom’s bed, Dad asked me to say a prayer. It was the first time I could remember Dad, Mom and I praying as a family. Even though Mom was gone, I knew she was there in Spirit and I appreciated the moment to allow God to be the center of this very difficult time. Dad then expressed that just seconds before Mom’s passing, he had held the trinket the Pastor left behind and asked Jesus to take her so she would no longer suffer. I assured him, that Jesus had answered and during the good and bad Jesus would help him time and time again if he will just ask for the help.

We then packed up all of Mom’s cards, flowers and other items as we emptied the room to leave behind the woman we had hoped to bring home. I remained comforted that the home she went to was much more peaceful, with no more sorrow and no more pain. She had lived a good life, and made an amazing difference wherever she went. For all her years she had given so much of herself and took care of so many. God had seen her work and decided she had given enough. Her work here on earth was done and it was time for her to rest.

Dad and I kissed her one last time and said good-bye. It was a quiet walk to our cars and even more quiet at the house. Exhausted and with nothing left to say, Dad and I hugged one last time, gave each other a kiss and then retreated to our beds. This time I only had a clock to stare at. Mom was not in the room for me to watch her breathing. I had no family to talk to and no friends to entertain. I simply just had my thoughts, my tears, and my faith. I processed through it all and then closed my eyes. The day was over, my Mom was gone and I was done.

The week of memories and business

After learning that Mom’s time here would be limited the week was spent putting affairs in order and enjoying the few moments we had left.

Wednesday morning Mom woke me up saying, “I figured it out.” At first I was trying to understand what she was figuring out. She continued by saying, “It is the red dye from the M&Ms. That is how the government is getting us.” I then just laughed to myself as I realized she was half dreaming. I thought yes if the answers to all of our problems was as simple as the M&M’s red dye. After her brief words of wisdom, she went back to bed and so did I.

Wednesday afternoon Mom did get into the wheel chair and I took her for a short trip outside to enjoy the sunshine and the flowers. We went for a long walk around the whole hospital. It was really nice just to spend some quality time outside with Mom. She talked about school, the flowers, and even the weeds at the hospital. Again another moment looking back that I wish I would had asked her more questions. Yet it just seemed to be when we would enjoy our moments, of a somewhat normal life, I just didn’t want to talk about death or life without her.

For the business side, I met with hospice to see if that was the direction to take. Dad and I had to go make sure bank accounts, wills, and other important paper work was all in order. After meeting with hospice and even talking about potential nursing homes, the hospital was nice enough to let us stay there. Many of the staff knew Mom and was willing to help anyway they could. They also recognized that it would be just a few days and it was not worth all the paperwork and turmoil for transition. This really was a God blessing, because I have no idea how we would have done hospice or even the nursing home. Mendota Hospital and its staff really shined during this week.

Wednesday night Mom had gotten very quiet. She seemed to be sleeping, but Dad and I sensed that she was still awake. So I had mentioned that Mom was probably just fake sleeping and was hearing everything we were saying. Dad laughed. I then said I bet if we mentioned that we were going to get ice cream she would tell us what she wanted. She perked up and said, “Yes strawberry sundae please.” Dad and I just laughed. I of course then went to go get ice cream. At that point we were willing to get her whatever she wanted. We did not need to be concerned about diabetes numbers, calories or health of anything. If she wanted to eat something, we were going to let her have it. That night it was a strawberry sundae.  

It was moments like these that I clung to in order to keep the joy. In fact, the next door neighbor added a lot of humor too. He was a feisty old man who didn’t want to be there. He would be yelling for the nurses and they would come and then he would get mad that they came into his room. He was also supposed to ask for help when getting up and as he would say, “I don’t need no damn nurse to help me up.” Whether he wanted the help or not the alarm would go off and you could hear him grumbling. I am sure he was a pain for the staff, but he was my entertainment.

Thursday morning, Mom awoke wanting to speak to Zonnie, who was taking over for Mom at the school, so she could thank Zonnie and give her last minute pointers. Unfortunately Zonnie had just taken off for a long vacation and wasn’t available. I did though get everything out of the house that was “school” related and took it to Mendota High School for Zonnie to have when she got home.

Later that afternoon Mom mentioned to Grandma that she missed having coffee and rolls after church. Grandma said she would bring coffee and rolls in the morning. Mom every Sunday would go to church and then have coffee and rolls with Grandma and Rita. However because Mom had been in the hospital for the last month, these moments had not happened. Mom was anxious to have the breakfast. She woke up at midnight, 2am, 4am and 5:00 asking if her Mom was there with the coffee yet. I had to explain that it was still too early. After being awoken yet again at 6:30am I was called Grandma, because I knew she would be up to ask if she was coming. I told her that her daughter was anxious to have coffee with her Mom. Grandma said she was on her way. That morning Mom and Grandma shared their last cup of coffee and sweet roll together. I watch the two of them and thought how difficult this must be for a Mother to lose her daughter. It was an endearing moment to watch these two share a moment of such simplicity and yet how bitter sweet for this to be how it would be in the end. After that Mom did not eat or drink much. Her body was starting to shut down. They had to put a catheter in her. We had to give her most of her drinks through a straw. We also had to start really making sure to shift her side to side so she did not get bed sores.

Interestingly enough that Mom and Grandma celebrated their tradition, Dad and I had started our own. Every morning he would arrive about 7am with chocolate milk and breakfast pizza. To this day when I am feeling sad and missing my family I will hit the convenience store for my chocolate milk and breakfast pizza.

That morning Rita agreed to go with me to pick out the casket and start putting the obituary and other pieces together. Dad said he couldn’t handle it, which understanding how emotional it was, I was glad it was Rita who went with me anyways. This was no easy task, but having Rita there was a huge blessing. I had never done anything like this and I couldn’t have imagined doing it by myself. Fortunately Mom had a lot of stuff done too, from when she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She had written things, just in case. We did realize that I did not know what songs or bible verses Mom wanted and when I asked, a few too many times, she expressed her displeasure in me asking so many times. So we figured those out on our own.

After sitting most of the day without any response from her, she woke up around 1pm and said she wanted to go to the high school. Grandma and I were taken back that not only did she wake up so abruptly but by her first request of doing something. We convinced her a trip to the high school, might be too much but at least we could go for a walk. The staff once again willing to help, utilized the lift to get her in the chair. I wrapped her up and took her outside. This time on our journey we sang some songs and I shared with her how much I loved her. I did not mention that I would miss her or wonder how life would work without her. I just wanted to make sure I told her about my love for her and the various moments I appreciated. I could have gone on for a year talking about all the times she helped and the moments I enjoyed. I could have also shared all the times I appreciated her hugs, words of wisdom or gentle reminders of her love.  I kept it simple though and it was just a few words of love and appreciation. She got tired quickly and we only made it half way around the hospital. As we came up to the window to her room, she saw Grandma and waved to her. Grandma put a smile on Mom’s face. I am sure the relationship between Grandma and Mom were similar to my relationship with Mom. The bond of love, family and friendship has always been evident.

In fact Friday night many of the family members came to see Mom. They were all taken back by how bad Mom seemed to be. As we sat there telling stories, Mom then spoke. At first it seemed to be a bunch of gibberish, but then some things were more comprehensive. She mentioned something about brothers and chicken coop. The boys then confessed to their moments of harassment on Mom inside the chicken coops. She then said, “Buettner. Yes.” Dad and I now at her side. We asked if she heard her dad calling. She said yes and she heard the angels singing. We told her it was ok for her to go home. Dad and I both expressed that we would miss her but we didn’t want to see her in pain and that she should go sing with the angels. I had looked over at Dad and asked if he now believed in Jesus. He said yes. Up until this point Dad had claimed that he wasn’t sure he could believe in all that Jesus stuff. I would bring it up every once in a while at the Peoria hospital, but he said he just couldn’t talk about it. This time though he knew Jesus was real and would take care of Mom.

As Dad and I continued to express our love for Mom, the family decided to leave. Dad went out with the family and I stayed with Mom. She and I sang Amazing Grace together. I thought for sure this was it. I thought Mom was going home. I sat by her side waiting for her to take her last breath. Dad went to go lay down on the futon. Mom then woke up and started counting from 56-61. She passed away at 61. Was she counting her years? She then started to sing the Mickey Mouse song. We told her it was ok to go to sleep and she did fall asleep. Dad slept that night at the hospital. I was at the hospital, but did not sleep much. If she passed away I did not want her lying there all night without us knowing. So I would keep watching her as she breathed to see if she had quit. I had finally just fallen asleep when the Pastor came in and woke me up. The first thing I said was, did she pass away. I then realized it was the Pastor who scared dad too. The Pastor was away all week at a conference and wanted to check in as soon as he got back. It was very much appreciated how much he cared and loved Mom. He just really scared, two very tired peopleJ.

Saturday, Mom said nothing. Her hair was really falling out from the radiation. I had to wet her lips with a sponge and force a sponge in her mouth to keep her from getting mouth sores. We had to keep turning her and doing the best to keep her comfortable. Family came to visit and the day just seemed to go by so slowly. That night Rita and my cousins Elissa and Sara came by to keep me company. We shared some great memories, and figured Mom was enjoying the company and the laughs, even if she couldn’t express it. I really appreciated the girl time and the humor. Rita decided to stay that night which was nice, but I again did not sleep much to watch Mom breathe. Plus I was afraid I would snore really loud and then Rita would not get any sleep.

I did eventually fall asleep and when I awoke, Mom was still breathing. Rita was still there and Dad had arrived with the chocolate milk and breakfast pizza. Another day had passed and Mom was still alive.

The day of defeat

When the doctor told us that the cancer was too invasive, I remember just feeling overwhelmingly defeated. We had been on such a journey of ups and downs and I thought we were back on the upside. This news was totally devastating.

Mom was not completely comprehending everything. What we said to her is that she did not have to fight anymore. While in Peoria, she would mention how she was ready to die. We would explain to her that it was just an infection. We encouraged her to keep fighting because once the infection was cleared she would feel much better. Dad would ask her to hang on so we could get her home to enjoy her garden. She complied, but maybe she already knew. Now Dad and I knew too. Plus I would have to let everyone else know too.

After the Doctor shared the news we were then asked to think about signing the Do Not Resuscitate form and think about taking Mom home and bringing in hospice. It was a whirlwind of information, decisions and emotions. Dad and I decided to include others in these decisions. We called Rita to come and we knew Grandma was on her way. Rita and Grandma had really been a big part of the journey and had been there for all the pivotal moments and decisions in the past and Dad and I wanted to ensure they agreed with these final choices. While we waited for family, Dad being distraught went outside. I stayed with Mom but unable to hold back my emotions. I started to cry. Mom said quit crying and you need to get back to work. Typical Mom. Forget the pity party and get back to work. So I explained to her again that unfortunately she was not doing well and so I was just going to stay with her. I then said I had to go to the bathroom and went to the chapel to continue my cry and pull myself together.

I was desperate to tell especially Rita and Grandma. They had been there through it all. Not only were they supportive and encouraging to Mom, they had been my support. I needed their support more than ever. My whole life when things were difficult and I had big decisions to make I had always turned to my Mom. Although I had my Dad, I really wanted and needed my Mom to do what she does best…give me a hug and tell me everything will be ok. Since she could not do that I really appreciated to have other amazing, loving women in my life who could give me that motherly hug I yearned.

Rita had made it to the hospital. I was going to wait until Grandma got there so I could tell both of them at the same time. Yet I couldn’t keep it inside so I told Rita. Then I saw Grandma walking to the hospital front door. I decided I would meet her in the lobby to tell her, so she could compose herself before seeing Mom. I met Grandma and asked if we could sit in the lobby. We sat down and one of Grandma’s previous neighbors came over to talk about her garden and gossip about another neighbor. As I listened to this lady go on, inside I was screaming. I was thinking, really this is your issue? My Mom is dying and I have to tell her Mom that she will need to say good-bye to her daughter. Yet then I heard Mom in my head, saying focus on the woman and take time for others. I did the best I could.

The lady then left and I had to tell Grandma. That look, that demeanor, that face of defeat was familiar as it was exactly all I had gone through just a few hours earlier. Grandma kept saying, oh no and the tears began to form. I held her hands and then we hugged. That hug that we both needed to help each other during such a difficult moment. It was as if time stopped and we were the only ones in the room. Then as we started to compose ourselves I looked up and realized that life did not stop. Something I have had to learn that although I wish the world would stop or that everyone would comfort me since I was losing my Mom, I realized the world did not stop and other people had their own lives and their own problems.

I took Grandma to the room and she was such a trooper as she said hi to her daughter and asked how she was doing. Dad and I then asked Grandma and Rita if they agreed with our decision to end all treatment and sign the Do Not Resuscitate. They did agree.

In those few short hours my focus still on caregiving for Mom, but also now was about taking care of Dad and business. I had to call my job to share that I would not be back to work for a while. I called my husband to tell him what was going on and to start planning to come home for a funeral. I had to call each of the family members as this was not something to text. I also had to call Mom’s boss to let him know that she would not be coming back to work. Each call was difficult. As I spoke the words it was hard to say and difficult to admit that the end was near.

Some of her friends had started to come to see Mom. We had told the church and school on Monday that people could start coming over the next few weeks thinking she had plenty of time for visitors. Unfortunately one of her friends had come early that morning and I sent them away as I just couldn’t face the public and speaking the words of her new diagnosis.

Then that dreaded time came where the nurse came to get Dad and I to sign the Do Not Resuscitate form. The nurse explained the details to us and left us as we signed the form. Dad and I knew it was the right thing to do. Signing the form though seemed so final. It was the signature that admitted defeat. It was a signature that although we were not, felt as if we were giving up. We knew we were not. We knew it is what Mom would have wanted. It is what we all agreed upon. It was what we needed to do. Dad signed the form and then he went outside for some more time to himself.

I stayed that night with my Mom. She asked me to lay with her. I really couldn’t since she was in the bed all propped up, but I put my head on her chest and lay as much as I could by her. I sang Amazing Grace. When she fell asleep I laid on the futon. I would have enjoyed sleeping in the bed with her and talking about the journey we had and plans for the future like we used to do. But what we used to do would be no more. Our nights together would be limited as well as our conversations. This night was the first night to many of learning how I would do life without my Mom and without my Best Friend. 

Great support...rough summer

We were in the Peoria Hospital for four weeks as the doctors tried to identify the source of the infection and how to address the infection. Mom was allergic to penicillin and so doctors had to try various medications. Mom was always a fighter, but the infection really took a toll on Mom. She struggled with reading, writing, walking, eating and all the basics of life.

The first time Mom said she was ready to die was something I don’t think I could have ever prepared myself for. As quickly as she said it was as quickly as I dismissed it and told her not to talk that way as she was going to get better. However as time went on, she would say it often and sometimes I would then continue the talk with her. She would share that she was ready and knew dad and I were in good hands. I would try not cry as I would share how much she meant to me and how blessed I was by her love and friendship. I never got to say everything though, because it was too much to bear. Besides this was just an infection and once the right medicine was administered she would be healed and released home. Hindsight I wish I would have asked so much more and shared more with her.

One day Mom said, “I am having a self-pitty moment.” Considering how well she had handled everything we granted her that time. Dad got her a stuffed animated lion that spoke words about love and care. She sat there and held the lion for a good amount of time. This was a new site as I had never seen Mom in so much despair. Not to make lite of the situation, but she did get fairly pitiful. There was a point where she said she just couldn’t do anything and she couldn’t see. At first I was very concerned that with everything that now her eyesight was going. So I quickly retrieved the nurse to have Mom’s eyes checked out. Testing her, the nurse put a colorful saying on the back of the clipboard. As she walked in Mom started reading the quote. I guess she was ok. She then said she was too sad to eat and she just didn’t want to go on. I then pulled out a chocolate bar and commented that she must not even be hungry enough to eat the candy that I brought. She quickly changed her mind and decided that she could handle at least the candy…lol. Overall though Mom was such a trooper. She got poked so many times in her hands, feet, ankles and arms. She had to get test after test and was getting daily radiation treatments. She was limited what to eat and all of her basic skills were being affected. She was definitely granted a day of self-pity and even her moments to get some extra compassion.

During that time family continued to come and were a huge support and help. Friends, church family members and community members were also so supportive. The number of cards people sent surpassed what I could have ever imagined. The prayers, words of concern and encouragement always provided an extra lift. Pastor Sam came to Peoria to visit twice. They were always timed perfect as they were times Mom would be getting very depressed. He would speak words of encouragement and health. Mom was always worried that she wasn’t good enough to go to heaven (really?). Pastor Sam would calm those fears and remind her how much God loved her. Aunt Darla had come to stay with Mom one night when Dad and I really needed a break. Darla had helped Mom practice writing her name and even danced with her to get her up out of bed.

An unexpected moment of encouragement came from one of the housekeepers. Veronica came into the room to wipe down the room. She overheard Mom wanting to quit and not feeling that anything could help her. Veronica immediately told her to hang in there and that God was not done with her. Veronica sang songs with us and prayed with us. Mom called Veronica the angel God knew she needed for the day.

Singing provided uplifting moments. Although Mom had difficult time talking, reading and remembering, singing songs she was able to do. The doctors said that was common and the power of the songs and melody are easier for the brain to recall. When I was younger, as Mom and I would drive to church we would sing songs. She would sing the main vocal and I would sing back up. Duke of Earl, My Girl, and Blue Moon were some of our favorites. We did not miss a beat and sang away in the room. We also sang You are my Sunshine, Amazing Grace, Jesus loves me, and the Old Rugged Cross. (Thank God one of the cards she got had the words to the Old Rugged Cross, because we botched the words on that one).

The songs really seemed to bring comfort to her. I am sure because it was the moments she did not struggle to articulate the thoughts in her head. The songs also helped me remember the good times and forget for the moment all the challenges we were facing.

We would also joke about day lilies. Mom and Dad had come earlier in the spring to visit me in Manitowoc. Mom helped me plant flowers. She had transplanted many of her Day Lilies. I had asked why they were called Day Lilies. She replied that they only bloom a day. At first I thought she was serious and spoke how bogus that would be to put in all that work just for a day of blooms. So we laughed as the days went by in the hospital that I would miss the one day of blooms. Fortunately the one weekend I went home to pay bills and do payroll, the flowers were in full bloom. I took pictures and showed Mom when I got back to the hospital.

It was imperative to find the glimmers of joy and hope, because that round of four weeks in the Peoria hospital were intense. It was up and down with trying to find the right medicine. There were many sleepless nights and days. It required being there for Mom and Dad and still somehow trying to manage things at my own home and work. It was emotional seeing Mom struggle with life and Dad and I feeling so hopeless. I barely left the room unless it was to take Dad to get something to eat, connect with family and work, or to take a shower. I once in a while stayed at the family care house, but because Mom could not manage much on her own, I would stay with her to help if she needed to go to the bathroom, get something to drink, or if she needed company.

Summer passed by and I wish it would not have been spent in the hospital. However I was blessed to have had so much vacation time and an understanding boss and husband that I was able to be with Mom and Dad every step of the way. It wasn’t easy, but I would have not wanted it any other way. Family, friends, church and hospital staff were a huge part of helping us manage such a difficult time.

Thanks to everyone who helped along the way.

I still don't understand

After three weeks in the hospital trying to recover from the infection, it was time to go home. Mom still had a few weeks on an intense schedule of medicine treatments. Plus the infection had taken a toll on Mom and therapy was needed to help her with walking, writing and reading. We were able to get a room at the Mendota Community Hospital in their Bridge to Home program. This allowed us to go home, be close to family, church members and community support. She wasn’t 100% better, but for us it was a sign of us moving in the right direction. Because of the long drive, we had Mom transported by ambulance. While Mom was in the hospital she had gotten her radiation treatments and the focus had really been on dealing with the infection, that addressing the cancer was almost second in thought.

However before we left I met with the doctor and asked for clarification of what extent the cancer was at. The doctor explained that we probably had a year or a little more. I helped load Mom in the ambulance and then got in my own car to follow. As I settled in I thought about that statement…”a year or a little more.” I processed that more and thought, do I tell anyone? How would Mom take the news, or Dad or anyone? Would Mom give up or work really hard to get everything done? Then I thought what will I do? Do I come home every weekend, take more time off or go back to life like normal? Overwhelmed with emotions and questions I called Dave to ask him to help me process. My husband was so patient and understanding during this difficult time as he let me take care of family things as he took care of things at home. In that moment he said he would support whatever I felt I needed to do.

Still not knowing what I would do, I decided for that time it would be important to just be present in the moment, enjoy the time I had and be positive to keep Mom strong. We got to the hospital and Dad, Grandma and Rita were there to greet us. The nurse had a series of questions to answer and I rattled off all the details, medicine and expectations for therapy and treatments. Mom was also visited by the doctor who would be taking care of her. The doctor seemed somewhat surprised that she was there, but at the time we did not know what that meant.

Then lunch was delivered. Rita asked if she could have the brownie. Mom gave her a dirty look and said “no.” It was funny to see her so determined for her food. Who could blame her though as she had the same menu for the last 4 weeks so it was nice to have some other options? We then sat around and talked and celebrated that Mom was back in Mendota. As everyone got ready to leave I asked Mom if she wanted me to stay. She at first said I should go home and get to sleep in a bed. Then I responded that this room was nicer than all of them as it had a futon I could sleep on and I was planning on staying until Monday anyways so I could stay. She then looked up at me with these sad eyes and whispered, “Could you stay with me?” I responded of course and gave her a kiss on her forehead. I was grateful she was going to let me stay. I had only been away from Mom for such a limited time over those five weeks. I was just as desperate to stay with her as I was happy to know she wanted me there as well. The futon was a welcome addition too.

Sunday not much had happened, but Mom did not seem to be doing very well. However we just figured it was because she finally wanted to rest from the long journey. Sunday night I did go stay at my parent’s house but was back early to meet with the doctor on Monday morning to discuss the plans.

Monday Dad and I got to the hospital and Mom was not doing well at all. Her diabetes numbers were all over the place. The Doctor said she was running tests but may not have results until later. I once again questioned what I should do…stay or head home. I decided to stay until the test results were back.

Monday afternoon the doctor came to share that her liver was shutting down. They would administer other medicine to see what could be done and if her body would respond. We were all shocked. How could this be? We just got done with the infection and the liver was never a concern. However earlier that week still in Peoria, we had pointed out to the doctor how yellow Mom’s eyes seemed to appear. The doctor at that time said they did some checks and did not mention any concerns with the liver. So how could this happen?

On Tuesday the Doctor came back and said the cancer was too invasive and with medicine we could keep Mom alive for a few more weeks. Dad and I knew we were done…the fight was over. No more medicine. No more tests. No more poking, prodding, guessing, fighting. We were done. That is how Mom would have wanted it.

To this day out of all that had happened this is what I question most. How did we go from having a year to a week? How did we recognize the yellow in her eyes while in Peoria, but they found nothing and then in a few days the cancer had taken over the liver? How did we go from a celebration of being to home, to the realization she was really going home to heaven? I can sometimes drive myself crazy trying to figure this out. What brings me comfort is that if we would have known about the liver malfunction in Peoria, we would have had to figure out how to take care of Mom in my Parent’s house instead of having the first class care at the hospital. If Mom would have had a year she would have either been miserable because she wouldn’t have been able to work, or overworked herself to get everything in place. Mom never wanted to be in pain and that was achieved. I had questioned how Dad and I would change our lives and now I didn’t need to figure that out.

I will never understand what went wrong, what did we miss and how could Peoria have been so wrong. Yet I keep looking to the good that came out of this to help keep the tears at bay and the questions quiet. My heart still aches, but in the end I trust that God had a plan and I can see the good. Most of all I am grateful that God protected Mom, Dad and I from having to make some of the most difficult decisions during the end of life process, since He made them for us. 

Relay for Life

We had been back in the hospital for a few days. Mom was there but not very responsive. However the day of Relay for Life she woke up and said, “Relay for Life, Relay for Life.” That whole day she would talk about her team “Breast Friends” and of course felt bad that she was missing out. She had hoped people would understand why she was not there. Which of course they did.

This year I joined the team to walk in memory of my Mom. I am mad at myself that I hadn’t been part of the team sooner. However I have had to remind myself many times this year that I can’t live in regret but continue to find ways to bring honor to my Mom and live out her legacy.

Not only was I able to be a part of the team, but I was asked to speak on behalf as a caregiver. Fortunately I had a four hour drive to think of what I would say, and also to process the reality of that time. Writing this blog has been healing, but speaking it added a new dimension. During my talk I shared how I had to help Mom with the little things like remembering her birth year. Then I had to assist with more skilled pieces such as remembering how to read and write. Yet the hardest thing to help with is when I realized I was helpless because there were no more medication or treatment options. I did make it through giving the presentation without a bunch of tears. All my family was there to support me. I also know my mom was there. The weather outside was bad so the event was moved to the high school. Mom had worked for the high school for over 20 years. The place where I presented was in the cafeteria. In this very room is where my Mom spent most of her time and where the plaque honoring her hangs. So although we were inside Mom’s spirit was all over the event.

I made it through the speech, but that first caregiver lap was very difficult. I saw the rest of my family walking with those who had survived and half of the lap I walked alone. A reminder that Mom was truly gone. The reminder of how I should have been there all the years in the past to spend time celebrating her survival. Now I can only celebrate her memory. My family recognized I was struggling and came to walk by my side. A great imagery of this whole journey. From the moment Mom was in the hospital, my family was there to help. Grandma was wonderful in helping me understand some of the billing and provided that hug I always needed. My Aunt Billie and Uncle Mike helped me but was the extra support my Dad needed. My Aunt Jeri and Wanda and Uncle Leon, Garry and Ron came many times to entertain my mom and provide words of comfort. My cousins just loved and comforted me. My Aunt Darla took care of Mom one night when Dad and I really needed a break. Although I am so blessed by all my family, my Aunt Rita was my angel. She was there every step of the way. She was my safe person for me to talk to about logistics and even me true emotions. She helped manage the bills, some of the paperwork and communication with Mom’s work. Rita is also the person I still call when I just need to vent or cry or really need a friend. I do also talk to Grandma sometimes about the things I am not sure what to do or how to help my Dad. Everyone in my family played a role then and continues to provide great love and support. I am grateful for each of them as they all are valuable to me.

After that first lap, the walk got easier. I would see the bags in memory of my Mom. People would come up and thank me for speaking and then share memories about Mom. Her spirit continued to shine throughout the evening. Aunt Wanda had made a beautiful quilt to raffle. On the quilt was a label sharing that she made the quilt and was in loving memory of Carolyn Pollard. Supposedly Aunt Jeri told cousin Janell that if she won the quilt she would donate it to me, but never expected to win since she never wins. However Aunt Jeri’s name was drawn and I was rewarded this beautiful quilt. How wonderful that this beautiful quilt will stay in the family and be a reminder of the love of my two aunts and in memory of my Mom.

After 12 hours the night was over. Our team advanced to the Gold level raising almost $6000.00. It was a difficult, fun, and healing evening. I was able to spend time with my family, honor my Mom and raise funds to help other families celebrate another birthday with their loved ones.   Relay for Life is a great event and I am glad I was a part of it.