We're Back.

I was only at work for a day and by the second morning, I received a call from Dad….Mom is not doing well. Her glucose numbers were way off and she was even more disoriented than he had ever seen. Being so far away was so frustrating. I suggested to see if things got better as the mornings are rough as she wakes up and gets something in her stomach.

In the afternoon I got the second call. Dad is taking Mom back to the emergency room. Then I got the next call. The hospital is rushing her back to Peoria. I decided to wait until the morning to head back to Peoria. That evening I tried to get as much work done as possible. Then I went out to dinner with my husband since that had been only the third night I had been home.

That night I cried as Dave asked me if I am ready to let my Mom go as this may be her time. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to admit it. Yet hindsight it was good to have that discussion to prepare my heart for what I was about to face.

As I drove back to the hospital on Thursday I had plenty of time to think, process and pray. I picked up Grandma along the way. Fortunately Aunt Rita was able to go down the night before to help my Dad. When we got there, Mom was not good. She kept saying she was tired. We tried to comfort her, but it was like talking to a young child who could not understand but just knew she did not feel good. This time the doctor did not provide promising news, but did admit that it was not clear what was all going on, so more tests were needed. Mom got to lay down as we waited for the tests. I sat with her as we waited in the hallway. Nothing was waking Mom up and I prepared for another few days of limited sleep. I tried to stay hopeful but how frustrating to feel like we were back to square one. As Mom was getting the test done, news came from Mendota hospital. A viral infection was detected in the blood tests taken before Mom was rushed to Peoria.

Good news as we know what is wrong. Bad news was there was no indication of the source of the infection and so determining the correct treatment was still unknown. Mom seemed worse than before. She struggled with walking, eating, drinking and even understanding anything that was being said. Everything was now a challenge for her. Dad and I became her voice and reason.

What awaited us next is the Patient Care Coordinator. Taking us to a separate room, she mentioned the “do not resuscitate.” Trying to remain calm and polite I wanted to listen, but inside screaming that this was not an option. My Dad showing less constraint did tell her that she was out of line and that was not even an option to be discussed. He stormed off. I remained and listened only to be curious. Yet I kept thinking, you don’t know my mom. She is a fighter. She has more to offer this world. There is more I want to do with her. This is not the end.

I thanked her for her time. I apologized for my Dad but explained how difficult and sudden this has been. She understood. When I found Dad he was upset. Understanding, we hugged and cried. How did we get here? Just last week was almost surreal, but we were home with hope for more years to come. Now we are back at the hospital with things appearing almost worse than before. Thinking of signing a do not resuscitate was just too much for both of us. All I could do was comfort my Dad as I saw the despair on his face. As we embraced I recognized how much we have had to start leaning on each other. I have always loved my Dad, but he is not much into talking or sharing especially on such deep matters. When it came to conversations of substance it was always Mom and I. So even this was foreign to us both.

That night we were both faced with the truth that not everything was fine. Life was taking us on a new path which neither of us really liked.  Trying to find the good, a lesson learned from Mom, I was grateful for the rollaway bed I got to sleep in versus those uncomfortable hospital chairs. Other than that I could not see the good in this. What I really wanted to do is scream to get everyone to stop what they were doing and put all focus on healing my Mom. I wanted to cry and have Mom do what she does best by giving me a hug and telling me it will all be ok. Those were not options. So I faked the smiles, worked to be patient and tried to stay strong.

What was most frustrating is the fact that we were back to the hospital. We were back to the unknown. We were back to square one. Not the place we had hoped we would be. 

Back to Manitowoc

When we brought Mom home, we had no idea that would be the last weekend Mom would be in that house, sit at the table on the back patio, or see her garden. If we would have known I am sure I would have used that weekend much differently. I would have asked about life insurance and bills. I would have also made Mom help me know what to get rid of and what to keep. Before the summer Mom and I had planned to take some time late that summer to declutter and clean the house. How convenient that she got out of that chore.

Since we thought that weekend was just a start to a long journey of radiation treatments and end of life planning, we took the weekend to rest. On Sunday Mom and I went to have coffee and rolls at Grandma’s house. We all noticed that Mom was having some difficulty with conversations again. She would get frustrated when she could not think of the words or say the words. She also slept a lot that weekend. Dad and I did not think much of it though, because we understood she had just been a lot.

On Monday though something was definitely off. As we got ready to go meet with the Oncologist to discuss radiation treatment, she struggled to get ready. I asked her to take the medicine and she wasn’t sure how to take it. I would tell her we need to go and got her up and then she would sit back down. I basically had to pull her to the car.

When we got to the Oncologists they had not received all of the test results from Peoria and so there was little they could tell us about treatment options. We did discuss Mom’s recurrence of disorientation and concern that the brain lining may be swelling again. We left the doctor’s with little of new information or direction.

When we got home I tried to get all things in order before heading back to Manitowoc. I could tell Dad was nervous with me leaving. Mom had a lot of medications to manage, including shots for her diabetes. Plus with Mom’s disorientation I was just as anxious to leave. Yet I had to get home. I kissed both my parents good bye and headed to Manitowoc. 

As I drove home I thought about the week and how fortunate I was to have so much vacation time that I could home often to help during this difficult time. When I arrived in Manitowoc it was nice to sleep in my own bed and try to get back to somewhat back to normal. Who knew that my time at home would be so short and my time with Mom would be so limited.  

We are going home.

The team of doctors would always arrive early. Since this was the first morning that I was not waking up by Mom’s side, Dad and I got up early to head over to the hospital. Peoria has this “family house” for families with members in the hospital to stay at. It is a nice building with 30 some hotel rooms. They also have laundry, shower and kitchen facilities. It is only a few blocks from the hospital and $25 a night. It is really a nice place and was a blessing to my family for many nights while we were there.

When they doctors came in they expressed how much better Mom was doing. They wanted to check a few more things, but she would probably go home that day. Excited to hear the news, my parents wanted to do something special for the staff. So Dad and I went to Wal-Mart and got cookies and cupcakes and one of those large Thank You cards. By the time we got back Mom said they had already started to put in the paperwork for her release. Dad and I started to pack things up while Mom started to write her comments in the card. She took time to recognize each nurse for their contribution. As I sat down beside her to help remember all of the nurses, I noticed her struggle with her writing. Yet we were both excited to be going home so we just ignored the obvious and kept going. Once the card was done my family went out to the nurses’ desk to give the tokens of appreciation and to thank each of them. Many of the nurses came and gave us hugs and said we would be missed but were glad we were able to go home. My Dad even made sure that the housekeeping staff got their own desserts and a thank you card. Everyone at the hospital was great. We were definitely glad to be going home, but it was sad. We became very attached to the staff. But you didn’t have to ask us twice. When the release papers were in hand we were out the door.

Before leaving I did get to talk to the physician assistant to just confirm next steps. She showed me the brain scan and said that fortunately the mass was manageable. Getting Mom started on radiation immediately was the critical next step. I asked if there was something we should have done or things we would have noticed. The PA said that many times those surviving breast cancer, the next growth area is the brain. Concerned knowing many other women who survived breast cancer and knowing that insurance is not likely to cover a brain scan we discussed strategies to get that covered. The PA also shared that her mom had breast cancer and then the mass on her brain. She explained how her Mom lived for a few years after the diagnosis of the brain tumor. She encouraged me to enjoy my time with my Mom and to know how lucky we were that the mass was still small and hopefully detected early. With these words of wisdom, I went back to the room to finishing loading things up to leave.

We all piled into the car and the first thing Mom asked is if we could stop and get ice cream. The food at the hospital wasn’t that bad, but it was the same thing over and over. So ice cream was a special treat that hit the spot for all of us. After the ice cream, Mom and I slept the way home. It was a long week.When we got home we had to go get her six different medications. Mom and I then sat there at her chair trying to write in her calendar when and how much of each medication so we could keep it all straight.

That night we were all exhausted. We barely got through the nightly news and we were all in bed. No late night conversations for Mom and I. No words were needed. We had spent the last week in a hospital trying to make sense of this all. We knew that there would be much discussion moving forward as major decisions would have to be made.  Tonight it was a time to just enjoy the fact we were at home and being able to sleep without machines and nurses. Yes, we all slept good that night. 

Fireworks

For whatever reason I have never been a big fan of fireworks. Mom and Dad however love fireworks. No matter where they were for the fourth of July, they would find out where the biggest firework show was at and attended. Fortunately the staff at Saint Francis Peoria hospital helped carry on that tradition.

On July 3^rd there were fireworks being shown down the block from the hospital. When the staff heard how Mom loved fireworks they came in the evening to rearrange the room so Mom could the fireworks outside her window. Unfortunately they were hard to see, but every once in a while you could see a firework or two through the tree branches. As I saw Mom get excited by the few glimpses of fireworks, I started to get teary eye. I realized this could be the last time I watched fireworks with my mom. The nurse Jenny, leaned over and gave me a hug. I wiped the tears from my eyes and went back to helping Mom find the fireworks through the trees. Once the fireworks were done, we moved all the chords and equipment back so Mom could go back to bed and sleep. I didn’t sleep much that night as I thought of all the things I wish I would have done with my mom.

July 4^th was another party in Mom’s room. More family came to visit which we all appreciated. Mom was doing better and she was able to keep up with the conversations. She was definitely healing and it was great to see. July 4^th was the night for the big fireworks over the bridge in Peoria. On the other side of the floor Mom was on provided a great view of the display. Mom, Dad and I went to the other side to watch the fireworks. I have to admit they were quite impressive. Mom would comment about a few of them. Dad and I stood behind Mom holding hands and appreciating the family time together enjoying a simple activity. Life almost seemed back to normal. Because she was doing better that was the first night I did not stay with Mom, but went back to the family house with Dad.

I am still not a big fan of fireworks, but now when I see them I think of Mom and our last time doing something together as a family. I remember how happy she was to see the display and how Dad and I stood by to enjoy the moment together.  

Happy as Can be Anniversary

July 3^rd, the day of my parent’s anniversary. Although last year they had planned to spend it in St. Louis, they celebrated in Peoria at the hospital. This was the fourth day in the hospital and Mom was still struggling with her words and thoughts, but she was definitely getting better. Mom asked me to go get something for Dad out of the gift shop. Candy it was for him. Then dad asked to me to go with him to get her something. Flowers were not allowed on the Intensive Care Unit. So Dad found this animated frog with an umbrella and raincoat stating “Hope you feel better soon.” It would tap its foot, move side to side and sing the song “Singing in the rain.” I mean the whole song. Mom appreciated the gift and showed it and played the song to everyone; family, staff and even the housekeeper. I think it made Dad feel good as it brought some joy to Mom’s face.

That day was good to because many family members came to visit. Rita brought cupcakes for the celebration. We had to get more chairs and the nurses were all invited to come get a cupcake and celebrate. Fortunately Mom’s room was at the end of the hallway, because we were quite loud. It was good to see Mom laughing and enjoying family. This was the Mom I knew. Not only did we have a good time, but I think the staff really enjoyed our family get together as well.

Mom and Dad met at the Octave Restaurant. Mom was a waitress at the time. They married young. They were not rich, but they gave freely. They were opposite in nature, but completed one another. They were not flashy in their relationship, but their love was genuine. They had their struggles, but they stuck through it. They were also faithful to one another. However that day as we were talking about Mom and Dad’s anniversary, Mom started a sentence with, “When I cheated.” We all were like, what? She then continued, “Cheated off the board to know it was July 3^rd and her anniversary.” We all just laughed as we thought maybe this was her moment of confession. During this time she also mentioned that I had only screwed up once in my life. I guess I am glad that she didn’t know or recognize the 500,000 other mistakes I have made.

As Mom was giving me advice for my own marriage, she said it was important to marry my best friend and someone who would make me laugh. Then Mom jokingly said, “I have been married for 35 years and I am just starting to like your Dad.” This was to remind me that there will be the bad and good days.

I have many memories of the good days. Some of the most memorable included the numerous trips we took together. Every year we would go on a family vacation. One year my parents didn’t have a lot of money, but they were still going to have their family vacation. We got into the car and drove as far as we could. We got to Omaha, Nebraska. We had an ice cream cone and then got back in the car and drove back home. I can’t say that the ice cream was special, but the trip left an impression. One year we went to Southern Illinois. Mom and I decided we would walk the two miles to see the “little grand canyon.” When we got there it was of nothing worth seeing. Yet we were determined to make Dad jealous that he did not go with us. We were going to tell him how great it was, but we were laughing so hard it was quite obvious to Dad that it was a big joke. Another time that Mom and I always laughed about was this hotel that we went to. Dad would normally always let Mom and I carry in the luggage and he would already be in the room laying down. This one hotel was different. He was the last in to the room with the luggage. The room had mouse traps in it and I don’t think there were any springs in the bed. The bathroom light sounded like a jet ready to take off. We did not stay long in that room.

Mom and I had our own special trips too. One time she took me and three of my friends to Lake Geneva so we could see Def Leppard. As my Aunt would say how can they know what they are playing if they are deaf. Another year when I was really young, Mom chaperoned a trip to the Chicago Zoo. While having lunch a guy came into the cafeteria screaming and throwing trays. We thought we were going to die. We obviously did not. Mom and I had talked in the last few years to go to Springfield and Door County. We did not make it.

There were many good days between my Mom and Dad and I was fortunate to be part of many of those. This year Mom and Dad would have celebrated 44 years. Today the frog that Dad gave to Mom sits on top of the TV cabinet. The chair that Mom always sat in now sits empty. Pictures of her adorn the living room. Her stuff remains in the drawers and closets. The plants she planted are in full bloom.

As hard as it is for me to lose my Mom, I can only imagine how much more difficult it is to lose your spouse. Dad is doing better than I expected, but obviously struggling as everywhere he turns he is reminded of her. So as much as I write these to bring remembrance and honor to my Mom. Today I want to recognize my Dad and the strength he has shown during this time. It cannot be easy and especially on this day as he spends his first anniversary without the one he loves the most. Please pray for him.

It's Cancer

Because Mom went to St. Francis in Peoria over the weekend we did not get much information of what was wrong with her. When she first was admitted it was under the assumption that she was having a stroke. On Monday we got the answer that it wasn’t a stroke but a mass on her brain and that the lining of her brain was very inflamed. However the doctors wanted to do more tests to get a more accurate picture of all that was going on in her body. This was only one of many tests she would endure. In fact we joked that by the time she was done she probably had utilized every machine that provides some kind of test.

Not fully sure ourselves what the results meant and worried that Mom would be devastated by the news, we decided to wait to tell her everything until we knew the whole diagnosis. This was our first hard decision of many more to come. There was much discussion of whether we should just tell her what the doctors found out or wait until there was a better analysis of the problem. We didn’t want to lie to Mom, but we also didn’t want her to give up and limit her ability to heal. Honestly, I think most of us were just trying to deal with the news ourselves. My Aunt after hearing the news started to cry a little, Mom asked her what was wrong. She responded that she just stubbed her toe. Good cover up. I know for me I was hesitant to say anything, because secretly I was hoping the doctors would come back with better news. Information that would that would include what was wrong but how she could overcome this. So in the beginning we just told her that she was sick and that her brain lining was swollen which was causing her difficulty in speech. 

As the week went on it was confirmed that the cancer had come back and besides the tumor on her brain, they had also found a spot on her chest, liver and spine. Their main focus for now though was the mass in her brain. They did offer hope and said with radiation, it could extend her time. They put her on steroids to help with the swelling and monitored that closely because they would release her once the swelling was down. Then she would be discharged to go seek treatment back home.

One of the nurses, Janet, comforted us by sharing how her mom had a tumor on the brain and cancer on the spine and lived a few more productive years before cancer took her life. I remember praying after that conversation and asked that God would guide us in the way we should go and spare my Mom any pain. That when it was her time to go to let her go peacefully. He definitely answered that prayer just not according to my time table.

The diagnosis received was not the best news but it wasn’t the worst. There was still hope. When we finally told Mom she received the news fairly well. She said she would try to get better as long as she only had to do radiation and not chemo, because she would never do that again.

Mom had already gone through radiation and chemo once. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. Just like this time she was a trooper than. She never complained, still tried to work as much as she could, and trusted with God’s help she would fight this awful disease. She did. That year cancer did not win. In fact in true Carolyn fashion, she made friends wherever she went, encouraged others in their healing and went out of her way to show appreciation to those who helped along the way. My Mom fought hard and arose the victor. Studies say that 7.6 million people die from cancer each year. That year she was not one of those statistics.

During that time of cancer, she wrote a journal which I found while cleaning out her stuff. In that journal she wrote how she was scared but wanted to be strong for everyone else (typical). Her sister and friend who had previously survived breast cancer were a big help as they guided her through the steps. She then shared how she hoped for the best but prepared for the worst. She wrote her obituary, had copies of certificates, and documented logins and passwords for her files. Fortunately she had done that to help in this new crisis. She also wrote in the journal how grateful she was for her friends and family and the support of work and church. She then shared how she had dad start paying bills so he could learn about that process. She felt he would be fine without her because he already knew how to cook, clean and do laundry. The most meaningful piece for me was when she mentioned said she was proud of me and considered me her best friend. That was the best, because I wanted her to be proud of me and I shared in the same sentiment…she is my best friend as well. She also said I would be fine because I had a good husband and a nice home. I am not sure how “fine” Dad and I are doing. Life is definitely different without her, but we are managing.  

After her first stint with cancer, Mom along with my aunt and others, participated in Relay for Life on the team they formed Breast Friends. I am not sure why I was never more active with my family regarding this, but this year I will participate and walk in memory of my mom. In the past I had known many affected by cancer but survived. This year is different. This year I lost three amazing people to cancer and one more family member was diagnosed and overcame. This year I am participating as a member of Team Breast Friends. I will help raise money to support research to help other families defeat the disease and enjoy their loved ones. I will walk in honor of my Aunt Rita and my Uncle Leon. I will walk in memory of two great mentors, Milton Rapp and Gary Cleveland. I will also walk in memory of my best friend and mom, Carolyn Pollard. 

Leaving an Impact.

As my Mom continued to struggle with names, dates and other simple facts, she was still determined to treat everyone with respect. A lesson that she had instilled in me since I was little.

When I worked at Mom’s restaurant as a waitress and had difficult customer’s she taught me to kill them with kindness so only they would have to feel bad about their actions. I had learned that Mom would provide free meals to one of the ladies in the community who was fairly poor. She provided opportunities for the kids in the Special Education classes to work in the cafeteria and be part of the team. She would go out of her way to recognize students for their accomplishments. Plus she would never say anything bad about anyone and always willing to go out of her way to help others, was stated over and over in the sympathy cards sent to us. Yes Mom was a remarkable woman who lived a life of kindness, generosity and respect.

Despite her limitations in speech and illness, she still found ways to make the doctors and nurses feel appreciated. It started with their names. Mom believed in calling people by their first name. She was always better at that than me. That tradition continued as every nurse, doctor, housekeeper or other support staff came in she would ask them their name. Even if they were only there probably for one visit to collect blood or transport her for tests, she wanted to know their first name. When she couldn’t remember she would get frustrated. So I soon realized I would need to know everyone’s name as well to help my Mom when she could not remember, but to also show the same respect to the staff.  

Another way Mom would honor the staff is to get to know their stories. She never wanted to have attention directed on her or her problems and instead focused on everybody else. We learned about Holly who didn’t look 40 at all who was planning her son’s wedding. There was Janine who had a cute little boy Tristen. Jeremy worked for the navy for 8 years. Then there was Dr. George.  Her goal was to get him to laugh which she accomplished. With Dr. Mackey she would comment about his ties. Dr. Ruben she would tell him that he was her favorite, because when he talked to her she knew he was telling her the truth and she was in good hands. The list could go on and on as she had teams of doctors, nurses and other support staff that we knew every single one of their names and many of their life stories. Because of Mom’s care for others, Holly came in to see my Mom on her day off. Janine brought her son in so we could meet him. Nurses who were scheduled for other rooms, would still stop in to see how we were doing. Everyone loved my mom and really, how could you not?

Mom was also always good at finding joy and making the best of the situation. Case in point, when one of the guy nurses came into the room. She asked him his name and then asked if he was single. Looking shocked by her question, Mom quickly explained that she wasn’t asking for herself but thought she would use her time in the hospital to find her niece a boyfriend. This became the joke among all the staff. In fact one time the nurses were looking out the window and told Mom that a single guy was walking by but would not recommend him as dating material. My other single cousin then asked for Aunt Carolyn to start looking for her as well. We even sent a photo of one male nurse, but it didn’t amount to anything.

Both of my parents has also taught me the virtue of gratitude. Thank you goes a long way which we would say all the time when staff would help us. When later discharged, my dad brought treats for the whole staff and personalized messages of appreciation were sent to many of the staff as well.

That time in the hospital Mom reminded me of valuable lessons…get to know people’s name, care about people and their stories, laugh at life, make the best of the moments, and show gratitude. Mom might have had difficulties with her words, but not in her ability to touch people’s lives. Before her time in the hospital, Mom gave all she had to her coworkers, church members, community and family. During her time in the hospital her light continued to shine and reached the hospital staff. Even after her passing her legacy lives on and continues to have an impact on lives, especially mine. Thanks Mom.